Ghost Whispering

The weather warms up and I catch a cold. Ah Spring, how I love the smell of your irony.

But seriously folks, we're going on day 5 of my not having a voice, and it's just not fun anymore. The first day, when you get that gravelly low sound (which my sound engineer friend calls my "Demi Moore" voice) it can be a bit sexy and fun. But once that short lived stage passes and you are sentenced to silence (or in my case a nagging, hacking cough) the sexiness has passed and it's just a crapshoot of lousy-ness.

One can only drink so much juice and herbal tea. The extreme tenacity of the coughing fits leads the convulsing bladder to want to leak a little bit, and that uncomfortable feeling is not helped by being overly-hydrated. But not taking in a constant flow of fluids leaves the throat dry and scratchy and adds to the hacking... so there's really an element of Catch-22 here.

Add that to the fact that my dear friend Dreamschool just had to put down her beloved companion of 14 years (Farewell Ione, till we see you at the Rainbow Bridge) and it has just not been a stellar week here at the house of Teece. (True, it's been an even worse one at the house of Dreamschool)

I've had so many thoughts for blogs lately, so many of them have to do with letting go. Saying the things that need to be said and released. You know the sort of thing... well, I don't know. Does this happen to anyone else but me? Example: I'm driving, and the road is full of traffic, or maybe it's wide open, but basically my mind, my conscious thought, has seemingly shut down and I am in the Zen of just operating the car when BAM, my face blushes and I find myself speaking out loud, "But see.. I didn't mean THAT." I come to and look around and realize that it's just me in the car, and no one else has relived that embarrassment from my past except me. But in that quiet moment, it was a real and vivid as the day it first occurred. I have a ton of those. Moments when the past sneaks up and I find myself flushed or furious, saddened or humiliated. I wish they'd quit haunting me, and I've been toying with the thought that perhaps typing them up and setting them free is the cure for such ghosts.

They say that coughing, and laryngitis are manifestations of when the body needs to express something, but for one reason or another, it has been silenced. It is a very intimate thing and I'm struggling with the idea of just putting my dirty laundry out there. Perhaps I am not as ready to release as I thought. Or perhaps, this is just a part of the process, and soon a series of posts will begin

Intentional Drowning

"Your body is drowning."

"What?" I asked, somewhat startled.

The soft Asian face tilted up towards me, her look pensive as she sought for the words to explain. "Your body...it is... drowning. Too much fluid. Is holding.... um, retaining."

Oh, yes... that. I'm retaining water. I'm bloated. Twas a combo of PMS, stress, and bizarre temperatures. And apparently, unknown to me, a great deal of extra mucus in my lungs and sinuses. Through the miracles of acupuncture and herbal teas, I've been draining profusely ever since. Breathing is easier, but my nose is still recovering from the repeated blowings and tissue wipes.

But it is her words that still stay with me. Drowning. I am drowning. Never has a diagnosis felt so right on the money.

Working two jobs can be overwhelming. And the teaching, although it is wonderful to experience, is growing in hours and demanding on the voice and body. I often feel that my most fierce doggie-paddle just barely keeps my head above the surface.

More than that, as of late, dreams and signs are filled with underwater images and icons. My long time love for mermaids has grown into a nearly obsessive fascination. I hear the sirens call me towards the rocks anytime I see their images (and I'm currently reading a fascinating book on the subject as well.) Octopi (octopuses?) are everywhere. Painted graffiti on the street, Discovery shows that happen to be on when I turn on the TV, books and fliers that chance to come across my desk. Even my dearest love (& subject of my first 6th grade research paper) Nessie has returned to my consciousness, lurking in the corners of my mind and popping up in unrelated conversations.

Until lately, I'd complained about feeling frozen or numb. My coven sister speculates that this new drowning sensation is merely the effects of the ice thaw.

Could that be it? Could it be that I'm coming through the winter of this endlessly long transition? Something in me broke in 2005, and I've not felt whole since. The experience has been 2 years of highs and lows and general angst without resolution, and I'd love to think that phase is finally wrapping-up. But drowning is an odd sensation. Not one of relief, but neither is it one of suffocation or panic. We breathed and lived in liquid within the womb. Is it possible to find that skill again, amidst a sea of uncertainty?

Water is essential

Water is affected by thought & intention

Water is in all life, all things

Water is the connection

I am mostly water

My world is mostly water

Can I sink into that, and find the way to live?

If pictures are worth 1,000 words

...then this link to my flikr should help make up for the fact that I haven't had time to chat.

Aug 10 & 11, in a much needed escape, I drove myself up the coast of California. I want to be alone with my thoughts, away the stress, and back in touch with simple beauty.

a quote from my journal along the way:


At the edge of the Earth, thar may be dragons....
but thar's no cell phone reception!


and I like it that way.

Hope you enjoy the photos. I promise to write more once my big Mouse Project has passed.