a·lone: adj Separated, apart or isolated from others
lone·ly adj Affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.
Alone is a state of being. Lonely, a state of mind. They should be easy to differentiate between. They should be two separate things. But sitting here, on the ending side of a 6+ year relationship, I cannot always find a way to separate the two.
This time last year, I had completed the Spartan Sprint in Malibu, and felt empowered and invigorated. This Saturday and Sunday, that race once again took place, but I could not participate. I needed to work and make money, but to be very honest, it is more the fact that I cannot yet run it without him, and I'm certainly not in the place to run it with him (even though he participated both days and invited me along.)
I lost a lot of myself over these last years. I feel like a shell of the vibrant girl I once was. Reading some of this blog's archives, I hear her sweet laughter and confidence bubble forth through her tales, but she seems a stranger to me now. Where once, I dreamed of being unattached, proud of my independence, now I sit in a dark quiet room with cats and a computer for company and I dread the empty silence.
I do have moments. Crystalline insights and moments of connection where I feel that vibrancy start to cut through the clouds. This morning, I was feeling exhilarated and alive as I drove to work, promising myself that the worst of the darkness was passing and that I was well on my way to survival. But somewhere, in the dreary smallness of my day, amidst forced holiday retail cheer and a million commercials about kissing and "forever love", the bubble burst and the tears and confusion settled in like the storm outside.
I used to be ok being "alone", but I have not yet conquered the deamons that accompany "lonely."
So here I am, trying to connect with my age old touchstone, writing. Perhaps this blog and I will once again be on regular conversational terms. Perhaps I will return to my keyboard and let my fingers express the snippets of thoughts as they pass through my cluttered brain, purging feelings and fears, hopes and heartbreaks, leaving what is no longer needed here on the page. Perhaps bit by bit, I'll uncover that courageous girl with the sparkling giggle and a glint of hope in her eyes. And with her for company, how can anyone feel lonely?
