Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Apparently it was a very Cheshire sort of year.....
---one group of friends banded together to get me a limited edition Cheshire Cat watch
---Another unrelated friend got me matching Cheshire Cat socks and scarf
what are you people saying.... that an oddly cracked grinning cat makes you think of me?
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Oh, and it should be said.... Kudos to the HR department for being a large portion of the still rockin dance floor as the party closed down last night. My experience with HR folks is that they tend to be stuffy, and very 'rule-oriented'. However, I just might have found a group of people similar to me. Yay.
AND Props to the 4th floor receptionist, who can really shake his tailfeather. I must tease him about this later. *grin*
Seriously folks, I really like my new job.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Can I examine and expose myself
- honestly but not brutally
- without shame
- without pain
(to make me seem cool)
(to make me seem contrite for my sins)
told without attachment....
can I be that honest for you?
Friday, December 09, 2005
When cleaning, you find them at the back of the drawer, tucked under something more fashionable. You think "OMG, these.... i 've missed these," and you climb into them with the joy of rememberance.
They hug around the edges and keep you snuggly soft, and for a moment, you can't help but think "why did i put these away? I love these..."
Then you remember that your ass shows a little, thru the threadbare patch on one cheek. And they scratch, on that one side, where the tag used to be. No matter how great they feel, they are what you wear when you know no one is looking. They are PERFECTION, as long as you weren't planning on looking good, or leaving the house.
In the end, I get off the couch and change into something sexy and dazzling, and hit the local club. I get off the couch, content in the moment I had, and I go back out to the rest of the world.
He looks great... He sounds great. And it was lovely, just a little over an hour catching up on life. I still adore him. I still love him. I still wish him all the best. I suppose I still have a part of me that wishes it could work out... but we are polar opposites . He's happiest, on his own, alone, and he looks forward to becoming a crotchety old man. I, on the other hand, continue in my social butterfly ways, glad to not have clipped my wings and died from the stillness.
I miss what was, but dont' think I'd give up what is in order to have the old.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
For me.... it's a good, and I mean GOOD, Brazilian Bikini Wax.
Shaving is so Plebian, and hairy is .... well, it' s hairy. And while that may be fine on some folks, I just don't like it on me.
I admit that the process of hair removal is not a painless event (although my girl does a DAMN fine job at minimizing the pain). I further confess that being completely waxed has a few negative side effects (It's almost impossible to fart silently. An ugly fact, i know... but nonetheless true.) Still, the joy of being fur-free is one worth all the sacrifice.
Therefore, as a celebration of my upcoming birthday, and a sign of the fact that the bills are almost all caught up (yay for the new job), I have made an appointment for a little slice of masochistic heaven.
9:15am, Friday morning.... I'm takin' a little side trip to Brazil. *grin*
Friday, December 02, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
I often times find myself a little spooked by Mr. Brezney's accuracy! I've bolded my favorite part. Unsettling but fascinating does not always sound inviting.... but it sounds like the kind of life I long to live.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
* A new job- that pays well, that has respectful co-workers, a jovial attitude, and can be left at the office every night.
* Time and ability to see my parents. After a couple of years without them, I was uncertain how the time in FL would go. But it was lovely, and I'm thrilled I went. I look forward to my next visit, whenever it may be.
* A "Private Benjamin" moment- that is to say, the ability to see something and know that whatever your feelings are on the matter, it is not in your best interest, and that is what must be served. Then turning and walking away, proudly, unquestioningly. The pain of the tearing away is experienced. Continued suffering is not.
* Someone honest and authentic, who holds the space for me to cry unashamedly, and rejoices in watching me smile. Someone who faces fear, enjoys learning, and shares constantly..... oh... and he can DANCE! *sigh* *grin*
* Healthy Cats, Paid Bills, A Working Car, & A Sense of Humor
* MOST OF ALL, let me thank you Universe for the best damn friends a girl can have. They keep coming back year after year, even when I KNOW that I'm not always a picnic, and I have more than a few tendancies towards drama. They make me laugh. They speak truths. They rage at the stars when the world isn't working out for any of us. And they smile and squee and hold you when all the world is right. My eternal thanks for Dreamschool, Dirt, LunaMoonSong, Shazam, Amandarin, SonofHarry, and the AZ_Pup
& Thank YOU, Universe, for letting me be your student.
Monday, November 21, 2005
who makes you laugh
and makes it safe for you to cry
they come in all shapes and sizes, honey. But good is to the core.
I love my friends.
I love the way they see me.
I love the space they hold for me.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Saturday, November 12, 2005
DAD: Why does "Mojito" sound familiar to me?
ME: well, a lot of folks are ordering them these days. Much like "cosmopolitans" became popular when Sex & the City came out.
DAD: That doesn’t help me. I don’t watch popular television these days.
MOM: well…. It does sound like someone from Hawaii 5-0.
Yeah…. "Book ‘em Mojito"
Friday, November 11, 2005
We three were in the middle of Chik-fil-a, lunching and loudly discussing the rattiest pair of slippers that needed to be retired.
Now, in trying to explain the difference between sane keeping of stuff and the obsessive need to accumulate, I used what I believed to be a facetious example…. ‘that would be like if grandma died, and someone kept her body in the spare bedroom because they miss her."
To this, my mother began to sputter, to clutch her hands to her face, and make unidentifiable noises… at first I believed it to be laughter, but tears at her eyes had me worried. Her mother passed away some 6 years ago, and it can sometimes be a soft spot.
ME: (to Dad) is she crying?
DAD: I don’t know
MOM: (napkin to her eyes, shaking head no, mumbles thru hysteria) murffle, mrgh… flr ooom.
ME: uh…. Um…. One more time mom.
MOM: (now clearly laughing) My mother’s ashes are in the spare room. (more laughter)
DAD: Ahhh, see…. Your Grandmother has gone from collecting clutter, to becoming clutter.
Yeah…. In ANYONE ELSE’s family… it would have been a facetious example.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
I, on the other hand, lock my old journals away in boxes. Unmarked, and sealed with enough duct tape to hold a bumper on a CRX. I know where in the house they are. They are never very far from me, because i would never want them to fall into the wrong hands.
When I began journalling, as a teen, I thought about my "glamourous life", and how I would capture it all on paper. I imagined the publishing of my memoirs after my too young death, and the scandal they would cause.
I pictured people salivating over well-described steamy scenes of passion. I envisioned lovers weeping as they discovered the un-revealed depths of my feelings. I hoped for fury from those I "double crossed", knowing I'd had the last laugh from beyond the grave.
Instead, what I have amassed is boxes of smarm and unexpressed rage. Hopes for loves that never should have gotten my time. Fully described moments of bold stupidity, fueled by desparation and the desire to be 'enough'. Later, when I thought I had grown to an age that I swore I didn't need approval anymore, I find thru reading that I in fact just transferred that need onto whatever abusive emotionally-distant jackass I chose to fill my life with at that time.
I used to read my journals more often. As if by seeing where I had been, I would know better to not go down that road again. But it became more and more painful....
I don't begrudge that girl her elaborately planned suicide attempts, or her bone-achingly deep desire to be loved. She and all her misadventures have made me what I am today.
However, much as I do when I'm entranced in a tv show (I yell at the screen helpful tips, and get frustrated when they can't hear me), I find myself crying out from my soul, "NO... Don't... Please please stop." And yet she barrels away blindly, smacking face first into the pain.
And the reading... it seems to give life again to those feelings. As if by speaking aloud the words I wrote in blood all those years ago, I cast a spell that calls them into being today. I resurrect them from their forgotten hell and set them free, to wreak havoc upon the world, and upon my soul.
When I was a child, I read the myth of Pandora and her box of horrors. Something about the description made me picture those terrors as tiny headless bats, slightly bigger than a 50cent piece, dripping blood, smelling of death, and screeching unholy fury.
That same image asails me when I think of opening that box of journals. This Pandora has fought many demons, and I daresay will fight more. But I will not give life to past terrors, and let the old ghosts come out.
In this way, Duct Tape will save the world.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
He: (pointing) Slugbug
However, the Pup and I (in what would seem a “stoner’s burst of logic” only we were completely sober at the time) have moved the game into a new, and I must say exciting, realm.
We’re playing “Cop-a-feel Bug”. And yes, it’s absolutely what it sounds like. Oh… it starts off with a twitch or tickle here, but after several hours on the road (we went exploring on our mutual day off) the game takes on a new dimension. We’ve become FAR more competitive about this than we ever were before.
When we passed a series of car dealerships, he told me “If you get near a VW lot, you better just pull the car over before we kill ourselves.” And pull over we nearly did on one small back road that was overpopulated with German engineering. A road we later found to be accurately named “Johnson Road”. LMAO.
Now, I will admit…. There is a ‘law of diminishing returns’ about this game. The more VWs your partner finds, the less you care about looking around. But really… I didn’t mind.
Trust me when I suggest it, folks. Play this one TO LOSE. *grin*
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
As a Pagan, this is the beginning of a new year. Another moment of adventure spreads out before us, and we can jump on the bike and ride, or simply watch it go by.
At my desk, the giant windows fill with panoramas of construction against a hazy backdrop of the Angeles Crest Forest. With such busy eye candy, it is easy to choose to watch.
But watching leaves one life in a general rut, does it not? And ruts, however safe, are not my style of choice.
And so, in a declaration before the Universe, in a ritual to wash away the old year and make room for the new, i gave 30 days to the voices.
30 days that when I want to hit the snooze again, and the little voice says "get up so you can get something done"..... I do.
30 days when the little voice says "Please don't do drive thru again. You have soup at home" and thus i pass the BK and head home to heat up chicken noodle.
30 days when they say "Jump" and with faith in my heart, I do.
It is my intention, that in 30 days, this life will be unrecognizable, dynamic, alive, and I will be at the source of all that is around me.
Sprout wings and fly.
Finding the spirit of adventure in unknown realms, she blurs the line between dreams and waking. As children do, she follows her bliss and leaves behind the “shoulds” and “have tos” of the everyday to climb into the world of belief in magic. -
Friday, October 28, 2005
In 15 min, I will walk across the street to pick up lunch for my team, while wearing my middle eastern dance outfit.
See the sparkling energy in the air.
Hear the children laugh and scream.
The season is upon us. The weekend should be good. There's a party tonight and ritual on Sunday.
and soooooooon, the wheel will turn, and begin again.
Brighest Blessings and Safest Celebrations to you and yours.
and i had this great pair of spandex pants with built in Platform high-heels. I wore those, and took a piece of red spandex materiel (just a piece of material) and with pins and knots, fashioned it into a backless red-halter top.
then i got little devil horns and a pitchfork.
a neighbor asked "Oh... are you a little devil??"
to which I said "NO... i'm Temptation"
Yeppers, i started this sassy shit EARLY. *wink*
Thursday, October 27, 2005
From "Teachings of the Hindu Mystics," © 2001 by Andrew Harvey.
Reprinted by arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Boston, www.shambhala.com.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
At least, that's what I'm guessing..... from the number of times he called out his savior's name at 6am this morning.
"Oh god.. oh god... oh my god... jesus... oh... oh god... oh god..OMyGod.. oh god JEEZUS CHRIST... oh ... oh GOD O. MY. GOD"
Monday, October 24, 2005
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Thursday, October 20, 2005
No Alarm Reset
No Radio adjustment
No button that changes AM to PM
No decrease of the volume
Therefore when, in a sleep-induced haze, one begins to slap blindly and randomly at the top of the wicked noise maker, one can then fall back asleep with the assurance that in 7 -9 minutes, the angry clanging will begin again.
I mean, THAT’S ITS JOB! To wake me, no matter what!
It should NOT give one or two half-hearted attempts and then develop some defeatist attitude.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
General crankiness continues. I'm walking (in that huffy "i've got somewhere to be" way) back thru the parking garage, into the building and up to my desk, post lunch. Handfull of Taco Bell bag. (horrible i know, but i was totally craving!)
All the while, someone walking behind me. I hold the door open, but make no eye contact... sites set on returning to desk and avoiding humanity. Awkward silence for a moment as I stare forward at the blinking numbers. Then I hear...
HIM: "You have the coolest hair colors. Seriously, you have 7 colors going on there. It's great"
ME: "uh.. wha....oh *blush* thank you."
HIM: "You're new. You're on the 4th floor, right. I'm M***. Nice to meet you."
no, M***... Nice to be noticed.
- Real friends take you to your favorite local restaurant and soothe your craptastic week with fun stories, smiles and mojitos.
- Real friends squee in their girly moments, and trust you enough to listen.
- Real friends call because something they read in your blog made them worry.
- Real friends do 'lifechecks' on you when the times are tough.
- Real friends open their hearts and their homes on the holidays.
- Real friends understand and share in your disappointments.
- Real friends will let you embrace your "not-so-highest-self" re: your craptastic week.
To quote the Beatles,
"I get by with a little help from my friends."
Monday, October 17, 2005
The bolts of lightening danced so prettily and the booming rumble of the thunder was like a drum solo of the gods.
I'm sorry I slept thru it.
Damn the Benedryl.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Found this quote on a friend’s LJ and was really amused and moved at the same time.
The sentiment is similar the one I usually express in my pool analogy. Which is to say, some people ease into a cold pool slowly, bit by bit, stair by stair. But I think this takes much longer, and doesn’t really aid the ‘temperature accommodation’ process well.
I am the type that jumps into the deep end for one quick blood-jolting shock, and then treads the water to warm up. Now, take that theory and apply it life, not just swimming.
So many places in my life, I cannonball into the deep end. Some call this courage, some call it stupidity, and I guess it has been both at different times in my life.
There have been times where I’ve jumped in, only to find I’m not dressed for swimming, or that I’ve forgotten how to swim.
There are times I’ve plunged straight to the bottom, and when my head finally breaks the surface, the first thought I find there is “OH shit, I forgot how much I hate water.”
But ultimately, I rejoice in the time I’ve spent in the pool. I mean, as much as I like a good tan, life is not about laying on a lounge chair on the dry and safe patio.
Funny isn’t it? I only vaguely remember taping that there last week, and yet, here I am blogging, and suddenly I SEE it and I READ it, and I get that in the scheme of the Universe, this arrived in my life last week, so that it could support the feeling I’m having right now.
It might as well have said “Get back in the Goddam Pool, Girl!” or “Leap, and the Wings will appear.”
These ideas were also present in the books I read this weekend (home with a migraine, in bed from Saturday morning, until this morning). They were fun filled tales of facing the dark and challenging your fear and allowing yourself to experience all that life offers.
In short, the Universe seems to be working on sending me the same message in as many different ways as she can manage.
Got it, Mom! Time to Jump again.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
In case you were wondering....Yep... he's still beautiful.
I'd like to say the evening was a long thought provoking conversation that lasted until dawn, because we are well overdue for that sort of thing. However, he was running around like a chicken with his head cut off (his words actually), preparing for a trip. His exotic entertainment life is swooping him off to somewhere succulent once again.
Still, we found time to go thru items in his closet, judging what worked with his look and what didn't. I followed him from room to room while he packed and prepped, conversing about what had been occuring in life since last we met.
He asked about my once-again temping status. Silly... but i always wish i had a better answer for him. He asked when I would start my own business. A business in WHAT I couldn't help but think (and ask)...because the truth is, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I know what makes me happy, but i haven't figured out how to parlay that into paying the bills. And he looks at the situation and always has some bold suggestion of what makes sense to him.
I wish I had the ability to see the world the way he does.
I wish I had even an ounce of the suave confidence he exudes.
I wish I had a bottle of oil to rub all over that incredible body. So Hot!
We thank you for your presence here at this blog, and now return you to your regularly scheduled life. Go on... nothing to see here. Move along.
Monday, October 03, 2005
But if last time was foreplay, this time was THE SEXX.
Way too much fun.
Perpetrators included: Amandarin, Adrii, RocketRN, Joshiee, Sexy Ass Man (women who have felt the glory know of what I speak- YUM), The Arizona Pup, and myself.
Our Posse met for pies at HOP. After a round of blissful nosh, the journey to the dancing began. A few wrong turns (by those that shall remain nameless) later, and we all arrived at the club, looking hot and ready to trot….
And trot we did. Right over to the bar to start the night with a round of shots. *wink* you see where this is going, right?
After inebriation commenced, the groove things needed to be shaken a tad. Keith joined our gathering, already in the process of rockin his bod. AZ Pup entertained the girls with his mad dance skillz, and Rocket got her swerve a little bit country style. And Me…well, I was sporting the new babies!! 8 inch, platform, thigh-hi black stiletto boots. In short, we were hella sexy on the dance floor and having a fucking fabulous time.
Bootie-shakin was interspersed with trips to the bomb-ass patio, for drinks, smokes and resting the tootsies. Props to Rocket who gave the Pup a lap dance that rosied his cheeks and ..um… lifted his spirits. Mandarin, Adrii and I all pitched in to be a living drum set for the Nirvana mix, and by the end of the night, our entire grouping dominated the front stage until the closing of the club.
Sadly all nights must come to a close, Cinderella, so there were smooches and groping good-bye and all the sexy bitches went in different directions to rock the house (or bed, or car, or floor) in the ways they do best.
All in all, if you didn’t attend, you MISSED OUT!
(if you’re smart, you’ll start planning right now to redeem yourself. BootieLA is back on Saturday, November 5th!)
Friday, September 30, 2005
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Flames continue to flicker all over Chatsworth and Moorpark. I have a friend whose house is in escrow, and is only a few streets south of where the fires are raging. I called to check on her yesterday and all she could say was "I don't know how to feel.... This just can't happen. It just can't"
See...she's only recently divorced and she and ex are both still living in the house. The decision to sell or not to sell was a very rough one, as both love the house and surrounding wildlife areas. They FINALLY put it on the market, and within 24 hours, had an offer. She saw this as a sign from the gods that the decision had been a good one. Now, only days before Escrow closes, the whole deal may literally go 'up in smoke'. I cannot even begin to comprehend the gamut of emotions she is going thru right now.
As I sit at this desk, 4 stories up in North Hollywood, I have a gorgeous mountain view, unblemished by smoke....
...unless I turn my head to the left a bit... and then the skyline is brown and grey. Thick and impenetrable.
Hurricanes, Tsunami, Fires… around me the world seems to crumble. Ma Nature is going to kick our collective asses and hand them back to us in a baggie….
And yet the microcosm of Los Angeles is a comfortable haven. I continue to follow the industry news. I submit my tapes to TV Shows that seem to want me (*keeping fingers crossed*) and I entertain myself with fascinating conversations, good friends and lots of dancing!
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Here's the skinny:
FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 30
THE ECHO, 1822 Sunset Blvd., Echo Park
9 pm - 2 am
with mash-up DJs:
ADRIAN & the MYSTERIOUS D - http://www.RebelDJs.com
PAUL V. - Dragstrip 66 / Indie 103.1
PARTY BEN - http://www.PartyBen.com
Friday, September 23, 2005
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
i'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
i do what i have to do
but i have the sense
that i don't know how to let you go
i don't know how to let you go
- Sarah McLaughlin
"Do what you have to Do"
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Mother Nature, I do not understand you.
Fourth floor balcony, overlooking the somewhat famous NoHo Arts District. In each direction, the eye can see traffic and construction. At the school down the street, children in matching outfits play what looks to be some form of dodge-ball. Inside, the air-conditioning whirs at tropical storm wind speeds, such that I"m reaching for a sweater in hopes of not getting sick. WHAT fresh hell is that?
Rumor has it, i may have to go to the studio lot for a big company meeting/shindig at 3pm. Wait.. let me try to contain that joy. No really.... *finds very very small box, puts joy inside* oh look... room to spare.
In other news, I remain disappointed in the performance of Jessica Simpson's line of lip gloss. It simply is NOT "deliciously kissable".
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Very rare for these parts. Even more so for this time of year.
Inside the lush hotel, we couldn't really enjoy the deep booming claps of thunder, but outside, back in the car, driving to my next destination, I was pleased to to be a part of the unique weather experience.
This morning, driving a little after 6am, it was glorious to watch the sun attempt his usual rising, obscured by deep gray clouds.
7:30a, I was back in bed, surrounded by kitties and plush flannel sheets, soothed by rainfall.
It was quite a way to start the day, and it breathed life into what has been a difficult couple of weeks.
Now if I were only snuggled there still, I would be divinely happy.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Hoist High the Jolly Roger!
Splice the Mainbrace with ye favorite wench!
And Be sure to Share yer Booty!
Or I'll be givin' ye a taste of the Cat!
For today, I am Cap'n Alena Sharkbait (sharkbait-oooh ha ha), and I'll brook no bilge-sucking lubbers today.
Friday, September 16, 2005
And a limo pulled up, and out jumped someone (sorry, didnt' recognize him), clearly about to attend said hip hop class.
He had his LIMO drop him off at DANCE CLASS.
spell it with me, kids....
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
i don't know why this quote on my teabag string gives me some solace....
perhaps it is the hope that if i can just keep going another 5 damn minutes,something miraculous will happen.
I need that.
Friday, September 02, 2005
Death toll: 275
"This Category 4 storm caused Lake Pontchartrain to overflow its banks, killing 275 people. That scenario is one that hurricane experts don't like to ponder because if the city, surrounded on three sides by water, is hit by a major hurricane, the storm surge might inundate the city. "
ok.... so we KNEW that this could happen for 90 years now.
I study a lot of mysticism. I enjoy reading wisdom from Bhuddism and Hinduism. I read Celtic myths, as well as Greek. I read up on Haitian mysteries and what I can get my hands on about Voudon. I constantly seek out information on how others think and feel and believe. Not because i don't know how to do those things on my own. Not because i need to be pointed in a direction, or am incapable of making a decision like that on my own.... but because i find the more i read, the more i find the same truths in all the writing. as such, i have a cosmology. A belief system on how the Universe works, the existence of a creator(creatrix), and the nature of what it means to be human.
I like to believe in a Universe of abundance, and oneness. I like to believe in a generous and kindly higher power. I want to believe in the inherent goodness of it all.
But then something like Katrina happens.... and I question it all.This is one of those moments, i suppose, where you shake your fist at the sky and ask "why do bad things happen to good people?" (or some equally trite and rhetorical question)
I suppose my answer is that i shouldn't be going on CNN. But I’m so in love with that city, and I feel so helpless and there's this feeling that if i constantly check up on it, perhaps something good will happen.
Then i see a link, where i can click if i want to see video about the corpses piling up, with no ability to deal with them or, in many cases, identify them. I can't imagine wanting to watch that.
The other day in the cafe, i was sitting next to two guys who were reading the paper and chatting. One pointed out the story of the woman who placed her husband's dead body on a makeshift raft and took it with her when she began to swim for rescue.
The other guy responded with "Not to offend.... but clearly, they're stupid. They were told to get out. If they didn't, no wonder they died. Whatever. Can't save stupid people."
*picture yummyteece sitting shocked, mouth open* I'm sorry, asshole... WHAT!??!
If you read closely to that story, you will see that they were a poor family, and the man was on oxygen and too sick to move. Given the resources at their hands, they did what they thought was best. The wife was actually out of the house a short time, looking for extra food, when her husband died.
One can certainly argue that it is a "survival of the fittest" situation, but even with that, the appalling lack of respect for the fact that lives are lost is just... i don't have words to describe.
It does seem to me with the last couple of hurricane seasons, as well as the tsunami and major earthquakes, that Ma Nature is "thinning the herd" a bit here, and I understand the evolutionary need for that sort of thing.
But i look at all the death and destruction, and can't help but think.... "Is there something we are all supposed to learn from this? Is there a great global message? Is this the Earth's way of saying that 'the floggings will continue until the morale improves'??"
I don't know. I don't have answers. I can't even capture what I'm feeling. This is thinking out loud. No great "truths"..... just wonder, and confusion, and a touch of despair
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
New Orleans is one of my favorite towns to visit, and I place I have often thought of moving to. Additionally, I have friends in Louisiana and Mississippi, some of which I have not heard from yet. I remain concerned.
Flooding continues to worsen! Lives continue to be lost. Now is the time to focus good energies on the area, and donate to organizations (perhaps Red Cross) that are providing relief for this troubled area of the country.
There is nothing "Easy" about life in the Big Easy right now.
N'awlins.... our thoughts and prayers remain with you and yours.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
However, he just texted me to say he's in the eye of Hurricane Katrina right now, and I'm sooooo jealous.
i miss hurricane season. The heavy summer downpours, the howling wind. SO Sexy.
3 jobs right now, although one is about to go away, so I'm looking for a new one. I leave my house about 8am, and don't get back till midnight... IF THEN. Today is the first day in .. let's see... 2 weeks that I'll get to just GO HOME after work. I'm very excited. I have about 2 weeks of laundry to catch up on. YIPES.
This weekend, I've actually arranged to have some free time (between bouts of working at the dance studio) and you can bet your sweet butts I'll be outside in some of this glorious weather Southern Cali has been kicking up. I'm longing for a little quality time at the beach, or hiking up in the Malibu Canyons.
Next week, it's ultra busy as well --
Monday night, dance class
Tuesday night, coven meeting
Wednesday, Band Rehearsal followed by the Wednesday Night Dance Party (end o' the month!)
Thursday, dance class again
Friday, Dream School Diary has our last show of the summer season. Be sure to come check us out, as I'll be singing Lead Vox on "Last Time" again (yes, for you Danny Elfman fans, that is a cover from the "So-Lo" album)
I'll no doubt be "tramming" at Uni over the holiday weekend.
Highlights to come for September:
11th - Pagan Pride here in LA
30th- Bootie returns to Los Angeles for some off the hook tunes with the hottest San Fran DJ’s
It was, as they say, "Off the hook" *grin*
The Fabulous Edley and his ever popular (tho sometimes disturbing) Monkey Hat! I'm sorry the Monkey is not more visible in the image. Just trust me on the fact that he's disturbing.
This is my curse you understand. Ever surrounded by sexy people. Two Uni co-workers, getting jiggy with martinis and sleepwear.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
1 yr ago- 2004
an interesting year... coming off the high that was the explosive end of 2003
-Spent first 5 months of 2004 looking for work, and scrambling to pay the bills.
- Get job at Universal Studios as Tour Guide. One of the most difficult acting jobs I've had to land here in LA. Lots of auditions, even more memorization and training.
- First casualty in my 'reduce the drama' program.
- I am blessed to be able to spend a week in ATL with Sigma sister, goddess daughter and a great deal of the Georgia based LJ posse.
- Dobby joins the family! My first kitten in 8 years, Dobby reminds me daily that older cats are GOOD!
- I return to school, studying first aid and biology. Not only do I remember how to be a student, but I find that I REALLY like it.
- Got job from HELL at DCE. Little did i know at that time what a trial by fire that would be. The training ground for "just how shitty will you let your life get before you take action."
- Perform "Under the Big Top" with Golden State Theatre
- Help form my little coven, HWofPS
- Ry & I end 3 1/2 yr relationship. The ramifications of which still hit me fairly regularly.
-Conquer my fear of karaoke
-Make $1500 in 3 voice over jobs.
- Begin singing with Dream School Diary
- Apply for EATM program
The great restructuring has begun.
Time to complete soul-shift..... 3 years and counting. Enlightenment, here I come. *giggle*
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
3 years ago- 2002
i have little to no memory of 2002.
- I was unemployeed, pursuing acting and living on the money my grandmother had left when she passed.
-I had long black and blue micro braids that went to mid back. I loved those things. Shazam and I formed the dance team formerly known as "Booty & Hair Extentions"
- Spring 2002, I joined Golden State Theatre for their production of "The NEW Adventures of Alice in Wonderland". I was spectacular as the Queen of Hearts, and lucky enough to develop new friendships with strong amazing women who work with that group.
- March 29, 2002- Ry & I celebrated our 1st year anniversary. I think we were in Catalina with his parents on the actual day.
- I worked semi-regularly on "Young & Restless" as a local bad girl (glorified extra work, but my reoccurances told a story. My first scene i was being arrested. My next scene i was in jail. I was a problem customer at a local coffee house. A voyeur of a huge fire in town, and lastly picked up a gig as a waitress at the local dive bar. In my personal 'backstory', i had a parole officer with a heart of gold, hoping to reform this young tough deviant)
- I think 2002 is the year that on Dec 24th, i UNWISELY decided to go out drinking with Alaska Bear& friends for Christmas Eve. I was drinking with multiple Alaskans, all of whom were male, and seriously outweighed me... so trying to "keep up" drink for drink was a very bad plan. Especially when we were mixing Guiness and Jagermeister. I would guess i had 4 - 5 shots and 6 or 7 beers within the course of 3 hours. The projectile vomitting began shortly thereafter, and stayed with me for a couple of days. That was my last really serious bout of alcohol poisoning. Hmm... Then again, that might have been Christmas 2001. It is understandably a blurry memory!
Monday, August 22, 2005
5 years ago- 2000
Wow... did shit ever start to spin wildly out of control here. I was 28 for a bulk of the year, and thus DEEPLY within my Saturn Return.
- New Years, stroke of midnight, i was on the streets of New Orleans, kissing the love of my life, AlaskaBear, wrapped in a moment that was a blur of exciting life, drunken strangers, magical city and amazing fireworks.
- Jan 2 to May, quick and steady spiral downhill as Bear can't hold down a job or climb out of the bottle of Jack Daniels in which he perpetually lives. Trying to learn to speak up for myself, i mention that "we" are not working and we should either attempt to fix it, or walk away. Takes him about 3.5 seconds to say good-bye.
- Dejected and crumpled and broken in a way i have not been before or since, i jump into "THE WORK" and begin to do everything i can to process that Saturn so a moment this heartbreaking will not occur again.
- Summer 2000 and the 3 year trip that is "The Bacchae" is finally being put on celluloid. Director and Producer are at each other's throats. Additionally Alaska Bear is also working on this film, so there are moments of "we need to talk" and moments of not talking at all. Moments of drunken confessions, moments of heated passion (read: hot post break up sex). Drama is everywhere. Sometimes I feel empowered, as one of the women on set that others look up to. Most of the time, I find myself slipping around a corner to weep, because Bear is flirting with everyone except me
- July 29- Dreamschool turns "29 on the 29th". It's a randy party weekend for me as well. My predatory need for vengance rises to the surface, and the "Haitian Boat" is born
- Nov 2000- I get my first cell phone. LOL.. it helps me manage the "Boat Boys". *evil grin* God bless technology.
I wasn't going to do this one, only as i read other's responses... it made me think "Good lord, what what going on back then?" So I've decided to take this moment to reflect
10 years Ago- 1995
- living back at my parent's house after my return from England. The Bug and i were 6 months into a relationship that was about to horribly horribly wrong.
- after learning about the first round of infidelities, I realizied that my life was centered around Bug, not around theatre. So I auditioned for one of the biggest jobs of my life- year long apprenticeship at Equity theatre in Southern FL. They did two rounds of auditions, one in FL and one in NYC. With that sort of competition, I never really thought I'd get in. So i auditioned with "nothing to lose". I had a phenomenal audition, and I was one of only 2 that were accepted from the FL screening, the other being a friend of mine from College.
-August 95, I moved to Jupiter, FL, to begin full-time indentured servitude. Living slave, along with my other fellow apprenti. It was truly the best of times & the worst of times. First roomie was psycho who needed to know my every move, therefore I moved out of "girl apprentice" apartments and into the one un-filled bed, in the boy's place, where i literally shared a room with one of my all time favorite gay men.
- The remainder of 95 was full of 8 shows a week of "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers", "Guys & Dolls", & "Evita", as well as 2 childrens shows that went on during the days we weren't doing the larger shows. Additional work included tech assignments, chores around the theatre, and of course, endless hours of rehearsals.
- The Bug was furious that I'd choose my career over our disasterous and abusive relationship, so his infidelities increased. I met that eye for an eye by briefly rekindling with "the first Christian" and starting a short but passionate affair with the Texas Tech.
-ok... just sitting here grinning as I remember my time with Texas. Margaritas by the truckload. And we shared even more laughter than we did margaritas. I remember sleeping out on the patio under the stars, driving in his car late at night, listening to NIN just to keep our sanity, bondage moments at the Halloween party, entertaining Randy with a show in the living room, a crab crossing the highway while we worked on being half dressed, laughing at the distraction... and lastly, my favorite memory.... the stupid mudfight on the beach that started it all.
I miss you Texas.
Friday, August 19, 2005
"Oh.. who?" I ask. They tell me his name, Joe Ranft, and then further qualify "He was the voice of Heimleich in 'Bug's Life'."
Oh god.... i was on the phone with that man like a month ago. I helped arrange tickets to the park for when he was going to be in town with his family. I chatted with him. He was light and funny, and I enjoyed telling him that Heimleich was my favorite character in 'Bug's Life'.
...and he's gone now.
he has a family.
his parents are still alive. How hard must THAT be? To be in your senior years, and suddenly discover you've outlived your son?
I didn't know him.
I wasn't friends or family to any of his.
Still I feel the cold breeze as Death passes by, black tattered cloak fluttering in the airless room.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
She asked "Do you think that the 'great love that got away' can be one sided?"
and I think to Sexy Lexy, and Murph, and the different people who have played different roles in my life. I think of Cowardly Lion, and The Bug, and the roles I played in their lives and i say...
YES.... it can all be one-sided.
Mandarin is in the throes (yes, i spell checked that) of a "Happily Ever After" gone brilliantly and amazingly right. So clearly she speaks not of her current affair. But it brought up thoughts for me.
Lexy.... gone, but not forgotten. Lifetimes of work, lost at the bottom of a bottle. Does he ever think of me and wonder 'what's she doing now?' Would i care if he did? (OH HELL YES I WOULD... ok.. just asking- checking the dysfunctional meter)
Murph, a closed chapter in a book that was read and re-read. Friends with that awkward edge that says "i may never be able to fully grasp how you changed my life. I only know that you can't do it anymore". No one says "look what got away". No one says anything outside of cordial greeting and pleasantries.
The Cowardly Lion will forever praise me as the one who called his spade a spade and walked away. He worships the ground I walk on. Me?... i feel sorry for his wife.
The Bug.... oh lord.. let's not go there, shall we. I finished that long ago. I declare this life and any following to be "bug free". That he has renegged on that agreement is not my doing. If he shows up at my parent's house one more time, one of the following will happen: I will call FL police, report him as trespassing and go about filing a restraining order in that state-- or My father will shoot him, and I will have to go bail my Dad for dealing with out for bad decisions I once made.
Dreamschool- could anyone ask for a better friend with which to walk thru most of life? We discuss our situations, and we talk about our parallel (and sometimes not) paths.... and it all seem off, and yet make perfect sense (unlike this blog, CLEARLY)
Mandarin had a moment's weeping for her potential Hatian Boats, but realized the price is worth the prize (keep that Fig tree alive, girl!!) I on the other hand, look to my lost mentor Christopher Todd, and wonder where is, and how proud he would be to see his protegee's aquired life skills.
We all have our deals with the angels and master teachers. We are in the classes we signed up for. We mourn what we don't have when it is our choices that have led us to the seats in which we currently sit.
Jump in the side car on the motorcycle the gods drive and stop bitching about the wind in your hair. Skydive out of a perfectly good airplane, but dont' you dare complain about the fall.
It's all choices. We are where we are because we want to be there.
Anyone who says anything differently is selling something.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
The tag is to list 5 "cherished idiosyncrasies". I don't know that these are cherished, but hey... they are a little odd.
1. My family taught me long ago not to eat the first or last of anything. I of course have gotten slightly better at this since I live alone, but if I’m with a roommate, I’m telling you, that last Oreo will rot on the vine before I’ll eat it. (come to think of it, a huge amount of food rots in my fridge, because I buy it, but never open it.)
2. I always put my right contact in first in the morning. If for some reason I accidentally put the left on in first… I will still, without thinking, put the second one in the left eye too, leaving myself with both contacts in the same eye. Ouch!
3. I keep the trunk of my car full of shit I don’t need, just to keep the tool-box (which I might need) from sliding around making crashy noises when I make a turn.
4. There are dead things in my freezer. I won’t go into detail.
5. Standard theatre weirdness: I DO NOT say the name of the Scottish play inside a theatre, whether I am backstage or in an audience. I was at a show the other night, and hear an audience member reference the Scottish play by name and I literally shivered and was a bit panicked for an hour or so afterwards. Thankfully nothing wretched happened.
Consider yourself tagged!
After the work debacle of last week, i find myself once again seeking more permanant work. Second interview at Dreamworks today... i think 3:30. Unfortunately, i was in the car driving when they called me about that, so I'm trying to read the post-it i hastily wrote.
Then there's my spiritual group tonight. I'm supposed to host the coven meeting... but i have little to no idea what I"m going to do for tonight's ritual.
additionally, people come by and ask "how's the acting going?" , to which i find myself thinking..."Acting? oh right.. i came to LA to act... HAHAHAHAHA... yeah, like i have any fucking time for that. " I realize.. if i were passionate about it, i would find that time. So what is it that so distracts me from passion? I've noticed a lighter step to me lately. More, if not joy, at least an even keeled flowing of energy.
it's a little scary that the flow of "passion" and "theatre/acting" also seems to run in synchronous step with the "misery" and "dark moods"... while the happy light times in my life are these moments where i'm just so busy putting one foot in front of the either that i have no time worry about the future, i can only find the energy to be in the now. Course that also means i don't have goals and i don't move forward.
Could it be we are happiest when NOT pursuing our dreams? that's not to say we are living in a rut... but just... oh i don't know. This thought is not completely formulated. It's just pouring out thru typing fingertips.
As long as i keep dancing, i have fun.
Acting as hobby feels wonderful. Acting as profession drags me down. Acting and despair seem to go hand in hand.
Dancing is joy to me. Dancing is release. There is defiantely an upswing of my moods since the dancing Wedensday began, and since I got back to SFactor.
Perhaps "following my bliss" means walking away from that thing I always thought i was headed towards.
While for some... "the rest is silence"....
for me, "the rest" has a groovin dance beat.
Monday, August 15, 2005
The Mission: Complete 101 pre-set tasks in a period of 1001 days.
The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. Represent some amount of work on my part). Be not afraid of failure… dream big, aim high… surprise yourself!
Inspiration: The 101/1001 challenge seems to have been passed from blogger to blogger, many of them starting (at least in the circle of folks I know) last November (2004). I personally found this in the brilliant blog of Amandarin
I believe in goal setting, and hope that this experiment will push me ever onward to discover what it is this Universe is offering me.
Start Date: Aug 13, 2005
Finish Date: Saturday, May 10, 2008
Below are my 101 tasks (grouped for easier reading)
April 07 Update: I realize that I gave myself an unattainable amount of travel, as well as setting goals that have changed due to circumstances. Therefore I am removing them, and replacing them with others.
Renew that Passport (working on this. Sent away for notarized copy of birth certificate. Will send that to LA passport office, once i get it)
Visit Rio De Janeiro REMOVED (postponed till after 08) Return to New Orleans for a sultry sensory experience REMOVED: Written before Katrina hit.... I do intend to get to NO again someday, but I'm letting her heal a bit before i go.
Hike Macchu Picchu
Visit Montana for no apparent reason, other than it’s on this list.
Get to NYC to shower all my peeps there with overdue love and attention
Spend at least a week in Hawaii on island other than Oahu
NEW- Visit 2 US states that I've never been to before DONE. I realized after I wrote this that my cross-country road trip with Tag (in October 06) had me spending time in Illinois, Missouri, & Kansas... all of which were new to me. See that GD park in Hong Kong! REMOVED (postponed till after 08) Attend Burning Man REMOVED (I may or maynot go, but it won't be before May 08)
NEW- Take Tag on a roadtrip to Northern Cali
Go back to Temple of Sekhmet in Nevada
Spend a day someplace tranquil. Tuesday, May 2nd at the San Diego Zoo
Health & Fitness
Lose 30 lbs
Keep those 30 lbs off for at least 6 months
Go without drinking alcohol for a month (EEEK!)
Establish some sort of exercise schedule that includes 45 min aerobics 3x a week, and muscle toning 3 times a week (yoga, pilates, dance class all count for this one) I'm doing dance class 3 times a week now, so all I have to add is the aerobic
NEW- Participate in triathlon or another marathon
Tight Toned arms (such that you are never embarrassed to wear tank-tops or other sleeveless accoutrement)
Try Juicing for a month (meaning at least 2 – 3 times a week, replace a meal/supplement my craptastic diet with a multi juice beverage, freshly prepared. )
Take a Martial Arts class
NEW- Take a boxing class
Fast for 10 days.
Keep food & water journal for a least a week DONE, but I'm working on doing this on a more regular basis.
Do the Damn Core Secrets video I bought months ago
Incorporate daily vegetable consumption into diet. (green things, every day, for at least a month)
Regular (at least 1x a month) massage
Regular (at least 1x a month) chiropractics Every other week, since Aug 2006 Get up-to date with all required “well-woman” DONE July 2006 Get dental check up (cleaning etc) Not only DONE, but I had my follow-up "6 month" check up in March 07 Buy new glasses, that have proper prescription and look good DONE
Attend 2 year EATM program, such that all Animal Jobs are possible REMOVED, for now: (even if I apply this year and am accepted, I won't start until August 08. So this will not be done in time. However, I've not walked away from this dream. Therefore, consider this item merely Postponed) Complete Teacher Training at S Factor Slight change here... in teacher training at SoulTree
Teach my first Soultree Class (CLOSE... I shadow taught this weekend, filling in sections in two different classes)
Get Cast in something you’d see on TV (commercial, video or TV Show) Amandarin pointed out that my AbPony infommercial counted for this one.
Get cast in a Theatre show (for adults, with at least 2 week run)
Get VO demo done
Get VO Agent!
Finally reach 1000 hrs at USH REMOVED: Because of job and teacher training, I have left USH Investigate Dee’s class REMOVED: Just not interested in this anymore.
Start saving for retirement YAY! Started my 401K April07 Get a Day Job that doesn’t suck my soul dry, and still pays well Whoo hoo!
Have excess finances such that Travel is possible- working on this
Stop living Paycheck to Paycheck!- working on this
Have Finances available for EATM program (yes, student loans and grants count)
Find money for SoulTree Teacher Training Paying for teacher training by bartering hours at Soul Tree
Get 90K mile check up on Most Honorable Honda-San
pay off the money I owe my parents!- in progress
Finish up loan payments with Auriton- in progress
NEW- Pay off other debts
Begin Energy work to clear blocks (particularly to body image & finances)
Make Meditation a
daily weekly practice
Swim with Dolphins!
Trance Dance at some sort of Festival
Experience lucid dreaming
Allow myself to get REALLY VERY ANGRY. Become OK with anger.
Manifestations of Material Goods
Find living space that feeds the soul but doesn’t rape the bank account Oddly enough, my own apartment is becoming this again. Yay!
Buy a dance pole!
I-pod (or equally fantastic MP3 player) With tax rebate, April 2006 New TV Oct 2005 (a gift from the Hottie) New Cell Phone Sept 2005
Buy DVD player
Get that Jack LaLane super juicer thing that I’ve been coveting on Infomercials for ever. DONE!! Tag and I look forward to christening it soon. Throw out dinosaur currently masquerading as home computer and get NEW one that works (and does what you need it to) DONE. Old computer gone, and I inherited a Mac laptop from Tag (the man of many computers).
Buy one of those GORGEOUS leather corsets I see at Faire each year.
Read all the books on my “borrowed from friends” pile
Find “The Vanishing Room” and give it back to M & B DONE
Rent/Watch “The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra”
Buy “LOTR” trilogy on DVD. DONE See “Sin City” Fall 2005 Write my own song to perform with band REMOVED: Sadly band is no longer around
Find and attend a rave (cause I’m craving one of those!)
Buy “Las Vegas” season 1 on DVD REMOVED: just not interested anymore Visit a Dungeon DONE
Learn to dance the Tango
Get rid of that damn ugly ass loveseat DONE DONE DONE While I’m at it, get rid of that horrible easy chair too DONE
Sort thru the boxes in the Guest Bedroom
NEW- Re-do Guest Room into Tag's office space
NEW- Paint bedroom
Finish and send in volunteer application for Wildlife Waystation!
NEW- Volunteer with Best Friends Sanctuary in Utah
Go back to getting waxed ( I hate shaving so very very much) Rio, baby!
Treat myself to a day at the spa
Get my hair color re-done (roots aren’t pretty) Done
Catch up on your back filing at the house!
Properly garden Although the jasmine didn't make it, the rest of the plants are doing well.
Make a plate of cookies for Christina.
Gather art from all various storage places and put it in all in one spot where I can find it.
Frame Muth doodle
Frame “Haunted Mansion” cat picture
Frame mermaid art
Go thru the kitchen fridge and pantry and throw out all the stuff I am never going to eat (i.e. if it moved to this apartment with me 6 years ago and I haven’t eaten it… it can probably go) Prep for the detox made me toss old bad foods
Prepare “Emergency kit” (with non-perishable foods, change of clothes, food and water for cats)
Develop the rest of the film from my trip to Hawaii (in ’03) DONE
Sell figurines and other such collectibles I no longer want on E-bay.
Sell that old wedding dress that Sonny left on E-bay.
Learn to hang up on Jackasses I'm getting SO MUCH BETTER at this
Finish knitting my (I’m a super geek) Ravenclaw house scarf!
Write 5 more poems.
Submit at least one of those poems to a poetry contest
Call or email Dino and see how he is doing. DONE Send card to Brandy, check in on her. DONE, and I hope to visit her Fall of this year Send a card to my Grandparents Thankfully got this done before my Grandmother passed.
Put together and box up all old journals (in date order)
Finish writing this Damn List THANK YOU! completed Aug 15, 2005
NEW- Finish DOING this Damn List
Friday, August 12, 2005
"The weather is averaging around 85 degrees these days out here in Los Angeles. It's Hot. No way around that one. not much you can do to get away from it.... if you can't beat the heat, surrender to it.
Turn yourself into a lioness basking in the Serengeti heat.... Lay on your screened-in porch in the nude. Of course, it's best to do this when no one else is around. God forbid the mailman sashays by and happens to glimpse the naked lioness in you.
The heat of a life, the heat of love, the heat of living ...in this day and age.
We all have our own 'heat'. Whether you're fifteen or fifty, whether you're large or small, black or white, pink or yello, you have heat and hot and life in your body and soul...Finding your kind of 'hot' is all about what turns you on about you. What makes you feel the 'it' of you.
Write 5 things that you're 'hot' about."
1. The hard afternoon rains of Hurricane Season in the middle of a Southern Summer, and that earthy smell of wet hot grass that lingers afterwards
2. Dancing- all types, all musics, all weathers!
3. That strut I get when I feel unbeatable and incredible
4. The curve of the back of my thigh
5. The feeling of TOTALLY rocking a performance
Thursday, August 11, 2005
That’s what she said I ought to have. “The Universe has had your back a lot lately. Perhaps you oughta just go with that and trust it.”
She said the universe hadn't let me fall lately. I pointed out that in fact, it had let me fall. But was always on the sidelines with Bactine & Band-aids. Chuckling. It is a parent with a sense of humor
She’s also the sage who pointed out the my angels are not just on the job, and good at what they do... “You’re angels are BUFF, dude.” LOL
So I’m sitting here, unsure as once again a rug has been pulled out from underneath me, handing the reigns of this runaway coach over to the Buff Angel Squad, trusting that it all works out in the end.
I’ve said it before. I lead a charmed life.
Monday, August 08, 2005
Now, in my telling of the story, I feel I’ve come a long way. I handled the phone call with penache and style. Letting Jackass #312 have his say, but not letting it rile me or cause me strife. This is very different from how it would have affected me this same time last year.
But Shaz listened with the patience of a saint and then said something to the affect of (which is to say, I’m paraphrasing, because I don’t remember the actual words, but I want to convey what I felt I heard) “I want to hear this story when it finally goes like this…. Jackass starts talking, and Teece goes * mimes hanging up the phone. * No listening, no putting up with it.. just hang up. That’s the happy ending I want. You know, like in my story, the happy ending would be the Girl gets the Guy…. Well in your happy ending, you just hang the fuck up on that fucker.”
(right now, let me just say…. This was an awesome conversation with Shaz, and in the end, this is going to be a strong empowered post. So don’t ANYONE read this with ANY thought that Shaz offended me, or that I was annoyed at her comment. Cause I wasn’t!)
I heard in her words strength and concern and a great deal of love and respect for me. But for a moment I had this thought.
“THAT’s MY happy ending?!?!? You get the guy.. everyone else lives happily ever after… and I just get to be righteously mad and hang up?”
I let the moment pass, because again, I knew the healthy place that she was talking from and I get exactly why that ending is happy for the likes of me. But later, it crossed my mind again.
The happy ending at the end of my movie… is me. Just Me.
And I thought, “what kind a fucking movie is that? Who would want to see that shit?”
and then I remembered…
One of my favorite movies.
A movie I watch over and over because I LOVE the last scene… it makes me cry, it makes me laugh, it makes me want to jump up and cheer FUCK YEAH!
Yep… anyone else remember? She’s at her own wedding, about to marry a man who, while passionate, has treated her like shit. And on their wedding day, he’s late to the service because he’s (in bed) consoling his ex-girlfriend. And She gets mad about it. And she has a right to. But he belittles her. He treats her as if she should expect no better. He admits to fucking the maid and pretty much anyone else who crosses his path, but adds that when he met her, she was naught but a bimbo, pretty piece of ass who’d leap into bed with whatever took her fancy. He implies that she should consider herself lucky to be able to wed someone like him. And he calls her stupid.
And she takes that moment… that glorious moment… where she doesn’t worry about all the guests who have traveled for the wedding… or the cost of the gown… or the time she’s spent with the man. She takes that glorious moment of realizing that this is that turning point… where you stand up for yourself, or you sell yourself down the river. And she decks him!!
and she walks out the front door. She tears off the her bridal vail as her long red hair blows in the breeze… and she marches triumphantly down a tree lined street to some of the best closing credit music I have ever heard.
And you watch her walk away.
And you know she’s going to be alright.
Shaz… thank you! That’s the best goddam ending EVER.
Friday, August 05, 2005
I've noticed the last several mornings, that when i spray the tomato plants, a host of small winged insects are disturbed and go flying around. However, this morning, i saw somethign even more interesting...off the shed roof very near by, three industrious spiders have set up shop.
Now normally I am a serious arachniphobe, but this morning, i was stunned, honored even, to see the predators at work. As soon as the water hit, and the bugs began to swarm, the movement in the webs caught my eye.
All 3 spiders moved from what seemed to be a reclining position, to an "at the ready" stance. And as the panicked insects unwisely blundered into sticky web strings, the 8-legged would dance with the grace of a ballerina, over to the squirming form, and immediately begin to wrap them in silk. It was incredibly fast, incredibly deadly, and one of the most gorgeous things i've seen in a very long while.
I found myself not afraid, but just watching... stunned into a reverie. I even found myself spraying the tomatos some more, hoping to stir up another swarm, and watch the slaughter again. But alas, the spiders were not putting on some Vegas show. They were simply packing lunch and dinner, and once their coffers were full, they did not greedily go out for more. They sat by their tiny silk-wrapped sack lunches, waiting for the prey to die.
Mystical, and a little daunting. I finally tore myself away, with an increased respect for my arachnid foe.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Busy- ness prevails right now, between 3 jobs and dance class and band rehersal and the fact that i know a TON of Leos, and thus have many birthday gatherings to attend to. Add into that other social occasions, conversations with friends, lunches with co-workers (or lunches with co-workers who are friends and thus filled with aformentioned conversation). Tonight is wine club with the DW's, Sunday the band has a show. All the while i shuttle back and forth between my house and the one in Van Nuys, caring for 5 kitties and a buttload of plants.
but beyond all that, there are moments of sitting, and smiling, and life being very good.
oh sure, i have my moments of painful interactions, miscommunications. They hurt and bother me, but they don't win out. I still have the sound of Amandarin's laughter in my ears as she told me about her fabulous birthday dinner with her reconciled honey. I can see Dreamschool's grin as she listened to live music played at her behest last Friday. I remember the peace of listening to crickets in the backyard full of plants under my care. I look forward to CamShazam's smile tonight at Wine Club. And kitty nuzzles... lots of kitty nuzzles, no matter what house i'm at. (bad grammar, don't care)
Top that with the fact that in the last 36 hours i have had sushi and sake at my favorite Sushi restuarant, Ravioli and mojitos at my favorite local resturant, and a delish gyros for lunch at the perfect "fast Greek food" place near work. I am full and sastfied, in tummy and in soul.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Friday, my dearest and oldest friend aged one more time. (by oldest friend, I do mean the one who has slogged the longest amount of time in my company). She had a celebrational shindig at her abode, which I attended (after leaving work in Glendale, going to my house, feeding my cats, then driving to Van Nuys, where I am house-sitting, feeding those cats, starting a load of laundry, checking on the plants, and then driving back to Glendale). There was live music and a fantastic spread of nosh. I brought her two bottles of red for b-day gifts, and brought a bottle of champagne for myself. I wandered outside to the courtyard, to listen to the music and chat amongst mutual friends. The mutual husband of the Utah family showed up, and there was much long lost hugging.
There aren’t many words for a night full of friends and festivities, except to say that by the time the champagne bottle was finished, my stomach hurt from my laughter, my shoulders were much looser, my mouths was grinning and my soul was at peace. Hell of a way to end a Friday. I went home, curled up with my own kitties, and passed out.
Saturday- up, shower, feed cats, love on cats, drive to Van Nuys, feed and love on cats there, as well as spend 40 min watering all the plants in the house (Yep.. there’s THAT many plants). Drive to Universal City, to log in another day as a fun filled, overly perky, tour guide. Bit of a slow start to the day, but the last two tours were LITERALLY back to back (that means getting paid a ‘break penalty’). (not to mention I lunched with the ever charming MJP) Then back to wardrobe, change, drive to Van Nuys to feed and care for cats and plants. Call the fabulous Amandarin to let her know that I’m running behind for our rendezvous for Bootie L.A.
We set up a time frame to meet at my house. I finish my Valley duties and return home to quickly dress and ready for a night that was an exciting unknown waiting to be discovered. The DJ’s are off the hook, and visiting from San Fran. The crowd promises to be as mixed as the Mash-up music being played. Could be very very good. Could be “eh”.
Results: VERY VERY GOOD! OMG, the mash-up CD hasn’t left my CD player yet. My personal favorite is Gwen Stefani vs Front 242… brilliant. http://www.rebeldjs.com/A+D_HollabackHeadhunter.mp3
Dancing, drinks with Amandarin & Keith, some of the best music I’ve heard in LA, and the fantastic moment caught in these special words, “She’s doing the robot, the Tranny’s doing the Robot!” We didn’t leave till they kicked us out, and even then there was a bonus moment or two … *grin* home…. Sleep… *headpillow* lol
Sunday- Love and feed cats, drive to Van Nuys… realize half way there that keys to Van Nuys house are still on dining room table. Drive back to house, get keys, drive all the way to Van Nuys this time, feed and love on cats, take care of plants, drive to Uni already late for day 7 in my working week.
First tour was laugh out loud riot. (and made a $5 Tip!) Second tour a little slower. Lunch. Back for 3rd tour. End of day, run into and start wonderful conversation with MacDaddy. End of day comes, MD & I chatting still about life, dance and the prosperity of a universe filled with Providence. Drive back to Van Nuys to care for kitties and pass the hell out. *headfuton* ( I know.. I’m a dork)
Monday.. get up… do all again at the Mouse House. I long for a day off…. I don’t see one coming anytime soon.
Monday, August 01, 2005
It started off as a typo... but i liked it so much, i'm keeping it. And i think you should all try to fit in into conversation
Pimpersonation- when you're impersonating someone way cooler than you in an attempt to impress a member of the opposite sex.
go forth my people, and utilize it!
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Or like you are an otherworldly creature, exploring a Labyrith of excitement and joy.
Photo 1- CK and The TC Cat, as a leafy sea-dragon and an "AmyBrown-esque" faerie (a little goth i know... but somehow, that's how it always turns out.)
Question of the evening: Who is capturing who around here? (In truth, i didn't much speak to the good Captain Hook, but spent a lot of time with his good friend Captain Jack Sparrow. Can you Blame me??)
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Watching it, i began to see how much it had influenced me at my young impressionable age, when i used to watch it religiously! Have to wonder, is it that movie that started me on my fascination with the Muses?
As it began, i found myself sad that the muse painting isn't still somewhere to be found in Venice Beach. And then, as one muse stepped out of the painting and began to dance to life, i looked and said "Damn, is that Sandal Bergman??" And of course it is... I LOVE that woman. She's had such a terrific career. I saw her live on stage in the national tour of "Chicago". She was Valareya in "Conan The Barbarian" (making her one of my all time FAVORITE ass-kicking females)...and now i discover she was a Muse in the roller-skating rock opera that is my childhood. *sigh*
Then, with Olivia Newton-John's character, I wondered why they went with "modern" names, and which muse she actually was. Later she says, "My real name is Terp...." (she's cut off). Anyway, clearly, she was going to say Terpsichore, goddess of dance... which i think is odd, as her character does far more singing than dancing, and that would technically make her a candidate for Polyhemnia, not Terpischore... but for some reason, of the Muses... Terp gets the most press, I think. She's certianly one of my favorites.
As I watched the film, i also was amazed at how really TERRIBLE the clothing is, and yet, how much that terrible clothing resembles some of the ensembles i put together still today. LOL. No wonder my father calls my fashion tastes "deplorably boho". (who talks like that?!?!)
Also, some may remember there is a scene where two fantasies collide: one being a 1940's bandstand, the other being an 80's punk band. Well, as i watched this scene, i was looking at the lead singer of the "Devo"-esque punk singer and thinking "I know him... why does he look familiar... oh dear god, is that Fee??" (Fee Waybill, lead singer of the Tubes, and an associate of mine). Sure enough, when i checked the credits at the end, there he was " John 'Fee' Waybill". hahahahahahaha... that's some funny shit when you start seeing your friends/past-coworkers in 80's movies. I just cheorographed him in a show a couple of months ago, and then i see that he was a part of my childhood. Strange huh?
So all this really stirred up my Muse juices, makes me feel i'm not doing my Musely job, ya know.... and therefore, I went to go hang with the Hottie (somehow, no matter what is going on in my life, there is always at least one writer, in the middle of a project, whose bouncing ideas off me. I love that part of my job... it makes me very happy)
Life is Good! And sometimes you just end up in fabulous conversations.
Met the Hollywood Hottie about 11pm last night, for chat and some very very late night Thai food (which was INCREDIBLY good). I wish i could capture our conversations in journal entries, but i never can. Largely because they are so speculative and cerebral... sometiems because I'm so tired I can't 'recreate' the conversation in the morning, but i still bring with me the feeling.
I suppose the best way i could describe talking with him is this-
Picture you are a seed, and it's dark and cold in your seed pod. Not uncomfortable, just familiar and cozy and a little boring. And the idea of sprouting is a bit daunting.... but in your boredom, you begin to shift and push, only to find that your seed has fallen into a crack in the sidewalk. Oh no... you can't grow here. You're stopped, you begin to panic. You could waste away here. You could wither and die here, without ever finding a soil-laden footing to help you. You rage at the sky, and weep over your fate, and all around you a tickling sensation grows, like you HAVE to burst out of your skin or .... i don't know what the 'or' is... there's not an 'or'... you just HAVE to burst. And i don't know where or how the magic happens, but you being to sprout out of that pod, and suddenly you find the smallest bit of dirt in this crack, just enough to feed you and anchor you. YOu sink one root, cause that's all that fits, into that tiny bit of dirt and you suck it up like a straw, and pop, like Popeye after a can of spinach, and you stretch, and you ache and you writhe and you fuss, and then suddenly, the tiniest bit of your green self breaks the surface of the concrete, just as the sun is rising in the sky... and there's this crazy sense of relief, like you made it. Only you haven't made it completely.. you still have so much growing to do. But the sun's there, and you arent' trapped in the crack anymore, and you settle back down for a moment, take a rest, admist all your angst and activity. You can wait... a little bit. The hardest part is over... the courage to break free. What once was inhospitable is now home, and you sigh contented. It's not where you would have 'chosen' to grow... but it's where you are, and you get that growing there will make all the difference.
that's the way i sometimes feel after a night of conversation with him. I'm not saying he's the sun that feeds that little sprout, or the concrete or the tiny bit of dirt... i don't really know that this can work as any sort of "analogy'.... i'm just saying, in the morning, after a night of talking to him.... i'm both exhausted and exhilerated.... a stranger in a strange land, and perfectly ok with that.
huh... thinking now... i wonder...
am i his muse? or is he mine?