Saturday, May 29, 2010

Long Time, No Hear

Back again, returning to the blog after losing the last 22 months of my life to the Exotic Animal Training and Management program. Ok... I didn't "lose" my life. I gained unbelievable experiences and knowledge. But now, here, on the other side of graduation, I feel lost. For 22 months, I knew where I had to be when. I knew generally what each day would look like. And now...


It's Saturday night, and I'm sitting in a Coffee Bean using their free wi-fi because we lost connection at the house. On facebook, classmates talk about how they went out last night, or are going out tonight... or about how their new jobs are amazing, or about how their lives are amazing. I understand that some of them are making it sound more glorious than it is. I understand that many of them are younger than me, and therefore what they find "AMAZING" would not likely occur the same for me. Still, it makes me feel small and a teensy bit pathetic.

I'm trying to take on challenges in my life. I'm running headlong into old patterns of behavior and trying to turn over a new leaf. Take the opportunity that disappearing for 22 months has provided me to cut old ties and bad baggage and try to begin again with a clear road. It's not easy. It's not fun. Change, improvement, rarely is. I'm trying to keep the things that worked for me. Like writing in journals and blogs. Like thinking out loud. And so, I find myself here. Dropping a few words onto the cyber page, akin to dipping a toe in the pool, the first day it opens in the spring. It's daunting. But sitting here immobilized with fear and sadness is infinitely worse.

A few quick notes: (1) Just saw "Sex & the City 2" Wow... I wasn't expecting much but high-fashion and a brief glimpse of Aiden. However, I have to say that I feel the brand has lost the thing for which I most enjoyed it. It used to be a call to arms for single women to feel fun, empowered, and less alone. But now, it's a backslide for women with self-esteem that seems to cry out "It's not ok to grow old," "It's not ok to feel frazzled when you've spread yourself too thin" and worst "If you feel uncertain in your relationship... be sure he gets you a nice piece of jewelry." I used to feel that I could relate to the SitC ladies, but now, if I were an American travelling in the Middle East and I saw them out, I would embarrassedly apologize to those around me that not every American woman is that rude or that desperately in need of attention and validation. Ugh. (2) I've managed to spill HONEY (of all things) on my keyboard, causing my "z" key to stick. ARGH! I'd do much better if I found a cyber cafe that served alcoholic drinks instead of coffees, teas and overly sticky cinnamon buns.