On the longest day of the year of 2013, our intrepid adventurer set forth on a cross country trek. Her Penske was packed with memories, regrets and 9 cats. Her heart, heavy; her soul, saddle sore. With a Solstice moon and a concerned mother to lead her, she spent 5 long days putting miles between her latest failure and her heart-sick self. Meaning that one year ago TODAY, she arrived in North Carolina to begin her "new life."
* * * *
I'd love to tell you that every day since then has been positive, that I'm healed and happy. But I like to keep this blog an actual representation of my life, not a flowery illusion of what I'd like my life to look like. And recovery takes time... three steps forward, two steps back. Behavioral tendencies that have lasted a lifetime don't get suddenly retrained in a month. Back-slides happen, patterns repeat. Auto-pilot is a dangerous way to drive through life, but it's damn easy to slip into.
Then again, I've always been my toughest critic... so let me take a moment to focus on the positive. I AM DOING IT. Every morning I get up, whether I write in a journal, take a long hike in the mountains, show up at my job, or pay off a little more debt, I am taking a step on this new path. Building a new foundation takes an irritatingly long time, especially when you start deeply in a hole (emotionally and financially) as I did. But the key is showing up, and I'm still doing that.
I'm learning to listen to and trust my intuition again. I'm still not great about taking action in accordance with the little voice in my head, but at least I've stopped dismissing it. My faith in my gods is shaken and distant, but I still have an altar. After weeks of feeling stuck, yesterday I took the time to change out all the candles and incense, switching from woodsy dusky scents to bright florals and fruits, and WHAM suddenly I could smell the arrival of Summer in my home. For a moment, my heat and passion were re-ignited along with candle wicks, and I went to bed with a sense of hope instead of with a body weary from dread and resignation.
Today, I'm working a half-day, so I have the morning to drink a hot cup of tea, snuggle with the kitties, center myself and reflect. I can hear the wind outside shaking the multitude of vibrant green leaves in my front yard. I will fold the clean laundry, and sort out which bills can be paid out of the paycheck that comes tomorrow. I will try to put together a list of the ways in which my life is better than it was a year ago.
I cry less. That's a start.
I'm surrounded by kindness. That's good too.
I can breathe in moist, clean air, juicy with the smells of raw nature. That always make me smile.
Los Angeles is like that friend we all have.... the one talks a little too loud, who takes a little too much energy. The one who always makes the conversation about her, but then leaves you to pick up the lunch tab. And yet, now that she is missing from my life, I find she has left a hole there is no filler for.
The High Country however, is a wall flower. Prettier than she realizes, she sits quietly along the sidelines of the gym dance and waits for you to initiate contact. She's hard to get to know, but if you can get her talking in a one-on-one conversation, you can watch her eyes light up, be seduced by her soft giggle, and realize there's a lot more there than seems at first glance.
Re-reading those descriptions, I realize that I'm a lot more LA than I ever will be North Carolina. I'm pretty sure this is only a temporary destination for me, a rest stop on the highway where I refuel and recover, but while I'm here, I'm striving to make friends with the shy girl, learn what I can from her secrets, heal the wounds I acquired living in the flashy big city. There's a gentleness here that allows time for recovery, and if I can just drop into that slow, Southern rhythm, I just might be able to be compassionate and patient with my own learning curve.
One year later, I'm not where I wanted to be. I'm not where I thought I would be. But I'm not dead... not even overwhelmed right now. Just moving slowly forward. It's a quiet anniversary, but it is not a sad one.
Showing posts with label life happens. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life happens. Show all posts
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Sunday, February 09, 2014
Time Marches- a general FYI update
Been missing my blog, and so I popped on to re-read and was horrified to see when I last wrote. How have this many months gotten away from me?
Since last I dipped into these pages, life has incurred the inevitable ups and downs. I will try to briefly sum up.
Ups: I found a job working at a vet's office in a little college town in the "high country". Was able to move out of my parents' basement and into an adorable little place of my own. It's two bedroom/2 bath, built into the hillside of a mountain in a beautiful but tiny resort town that is only a few miles away from where I work. This is all just right off the Blue Ridge Parkway, where the hiking is stunning. I am currently experiencing my first Winter ever of living in a land where it snows... often. The cats have coped well with the move, and enjoy being able to watch deer and bunnies feeding in the yard. There is light in my windows, fire in the fireplace, and gorgeous scenery outside.
Downs: The vet's office job is not really highlighting my skills, teaching me anything new or completely paying all my bills (I still have so much debt from my life in LA that I'm trying to pay off, on top of all the new costs of living.) Additionally, the office has a lot of politics and is getting to be pretty uncomfortable. I'm still strapped for cash most of the time and were it not for my incredible parents' generosity, I'd be starving most weeks. Snow, while beautiful to look at when it falls, is not always fun to drive in, and when it begins to get slushy and muddy, it's just plain nasty to deal with. Plus, a large part of my job is walking dogs during the course of my day... which means being outside, in temps that have gotten as low as -45 ("real feel" temp with wind chill factor. The actual temp that day was only -12, if I remember correctly.)
I have made one real friend here. She too has a love for marine mammals, has an interest in educational outreach, is terribly over-degreed for the job we share (she's got a Masters in Marine Bio) and has spent time living in Hawaii. Not to mention that she has a wonderfully dry sense of humor, and a fondness for paranormal romance novels, wine and margaritas. We keep each other sane at the office.
After 6 months of celibacy hiding out in my mountain retreat, I also figured it was time to stop avoiding all men and put myself back out in the scene. I began attempting dating again. I really was just trolling online for my usual cougar fodder, but ended up meeting someone quite unique. He was raised in So Cal, shares my intense passion for the ocean, and he's *gasp* older than me. That's all I'm willing to say on the matter at this time. Given my history, I'm playing this hand closer to the chest... but I will say that I'm smiling more, and enjoying being wooed.
In short, I am in all ways, back in the game. Moving forward. Seeking strength in self and the energies of the dark winter forest that surrounds me. May 2014 be a year of positive changes and re-imagined dreams for us all.
Since last I dipped into these pages, life has incurred the inevitable ups and downs. I will try to briefly sum up.
Ups: I found a job working at a vet's office in a little college town in the "high country". Was able to move out of my parents' basement and into an adorable little place of my own. It's two bedroom/2 bath, built into the hillside of a mountain in a beautiful but tiny resort town that is only a few miles away from where I work. This is all just right off the Blue Ridge Parkway, where the hiking is stunning. I am currently experiencing my first Winter ever of living in a land where it snows... often. The cats have coped well with the move, and enjoy being able to watch deer and bunnies feeding in the yard. There is light in my windows, fire in the fireplace, and gorgeous scenery outside.
Downs: The vet's office job is not really highlighting my skills, teaching me anything new or completely paying all my bills (I still have so much debt from my life in LA that I'm trying to pay off, on top of all the new costs of living.) Additionally, the office has a lot of politics and is getting to be pretty uncomfortable. I'm still strapped for cash most of the time and were it not for my incredible parents' generosity, I'd be starving most weeks. Snow, while beautiful to look at when it falls, is not always fun to drive in, and when it begins to get slushy and muddy, it's just plain nasty to deal with. Plus, a large part of my job is walking dogs during the course of my day... which means being outside, in temps that have gotten as low as -45 ("real feel" temp with wind chill factor. The actual temp that day was only -12, if I remember correctly.)
I have made one real friend here. She too has a love for marine mammals, has an interest in educational outreach, is terribly over-degreed for the job we share (she's got a Masters in Marine Bio) and has spent time living in Hawaii. Not to mention that she has a wonderfully dry sense of humor, and a fondness for paranormal romance novels, wine and margaritas. We keep each other sane at the office.
After 6 months of celibacy hiding out in my mountain retreat, I also figured it was time to stop avoiding all men and put myself back out in the scene. I began attempting dating again. I really was just trolling online for my usual cougar fodder, but ended up meeting someone quite unique. He was raised in So Cal, shares my intense passion for the ocean, and he's *gasp* older than me. That's all I'm willing to say on the matter at this time. Given my history, I'm playing this hand closer to the chest... but I will say that I'm smiling more, and enjoying being wooed.
In short, I am in all ways, back in the game. Moving forward. Seeking strength in self and the energies of the dark winter forest that surrounds me. May 2014 be a year of positive changes and re-imagined dreams for us all.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Brief Reflection
The 5 year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina has just passed, and that made me want to reflect on my thoughts and blogs from that incredibly painful time.
However, I was delighted to find that in addition to those introspective moments of pain and suffering and hope for a brighter future... I also had a lot of funny, entertaining tidbits of life that I quipped upon. I had a fiery and brief love affair that was documented as it grew, and I was actually enjoying my day job (which later became insufferable.)
If you've got a few moments, perhaps you too would enjoy trolling around in my 2005 posts. The link to the archives is just over there to the right (no.. not there... down a little bit. Yep, there.)
Enjoy.
However, I was delighted to find that in addition to those introspective moments of pain and suffering and hope for a brighter future... I also had a lot of funny, entertaining tidbits of life that I quipped upon. I had a fiery and brief love affair that was documented as it grew, and I was actually enjoying my day job (which later became insufferable.)
If you've got a few moments, perhaps you too would enjoy trolling around in my 2005 posts. The link to the archives is just over there to the right (no.. not there... down a little bit. Yep, there.)
Enjoy.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Long Time, No Hear
Back again, returning to the blog after losing the last 22 months of my life to the Exotic Animal Training and Management program. Ok... I didn't "lose" my life. I gained unbelievable experiences and knowledge. But now, here, on the other side of graduation, I feel lost. For 22 months, I knew where I had to be when. I knew generally what each day would look like. And now...
*sigh*
It's Saturday night, and I'm sitting in a Coffee Bean using their free wi-fi because we lost connection at the house. On facebook, classmates talk about how they went out last night, or are going out tonight... or about how their new jobs are amazing, or about how their lives are amazing. I understand that some of them are making it sound more glorious than it is. I understand that many of them are younger than me, and therefore what they find "AMAZING" would not likely occur the same for me. Still, it makes me feel small and a teensy bit pathetic.
I'm trying to take on challenges in my life. I'm running headlong into old patterns of behavior and trying to turn over a new leaf. Take the opportunity that disappearing for 22 months has provided me to cut old ties and bad baggage and try to begin again with a clear road. It's not easy. It's not fun. Change, improvement, rarely is. I'm trying to keep the things that worked for me. Like writing in journals and blogs. Like thinking out loud. And so, I find myself here. Dropping a few words onto the cyber page, akin to dipping a toe in the pool, the first day it opens in the spring. It's daunting. But sitting here immobilized with fear and sadness is infinitely worse.
A few quick notes: (1) Just saw "Sex & the City 2" Wow... I wasn't expecting much but high-fashion and a brief glimpse of Aiden. However, I have to say that I feel the brand has lost the thing for which I most enjoyed it. It used to be a call to arms for single women to feel fun, empowered, and less alone. But now, it's a backslide for women with self-esteem that seems to cry out "It's not ok to grow old," "It's not ok to feel frazzled when you've spread yourself too thin" and worst "If you feel uncertain in your relationship... be sure he gets you a nice piece of jewelry." I used to feel that I could relate to the SitC ladies, but now, if I were an American travelling in the Middle East and I saw them out, I would embarrassedly apologize to those around me that not every American woman is that rude or that desperately in need of attention and validation. Ugh. (2) I've managed to spill HONEY (of all things) on my keyboard, causing my "z" key to stick. ARGH! I'd do much better if I found a cyber cafe that served alcoholic drinks instead of coffees, teas and overly sticky cinnamon buns.
*sigh*
It's Saturday night, and I'm sitting in a Coffee Bean using their free wi-fi because we lost connection at the house. On facebook, classmates talk about how they went out last night, or are going out tonight... or about how their new jobs are amazing, or about how their lives are amazing. I understand that some of them are making it sound more glorious than it is. I understand that many of them are younger than me, and therefore what they find "AMAZING" would not likely occur the same for me. Still, it makes me feel small and a teensy bit pathetic.
I'm trying to take on challenges in my life. I'm running headlong into old patterns of behavior and trying to turn over a new leaf. Take the opportunity that disappearing for 22 months has provided me to cut old ties and bad baggage and try to begin again with a clear road. It's not easy. It's not fun. Change, improvement, rarely is. I'm trying to keep the things that worked for me. Like writing in journals and blogs. Like thinking out loud. And so, I find myself here. Dropping a few words onto the cyber page, akin to dipping a toe in the pool, the first day it opens in the spring. It's daunting. But sitting here immobilized with fear and sadness is infinitely worse.
A few quick notes: (1) Just saw "Sex & the City 2" Wow... I wasn't expecting much but high-fashion and a brief glimpse of Aiden. However, I have to say that I feel the brand has lost the thing for which I most enjoyed it. It used to be a call to arms for single women to feel fun, empowered, and less alone. But now, it's a backslide for women with self-esteem that seems to cry out "It's not ok to grow old," "It's not ok to feel frazzled when you've spread yourself too thin" and worst "If you feel uncertain in your relationship... be sure he gets you a nice piece of jewelry." I used to feel that I could relate to the SitC ladies, but now, if I were an American travelling in the Middle East and I saw them out, I would embarrassedly apologize to those around me that not every American woman is that rude or that desperately in need of attention and validation. Ugh. (2) I've managed to spill HONEY (of all things) on my keyboard, causing my "z" key to stick. ARGH! I'd do much better if I found a cyber cafe that served alcoholic drinks instead of coffees, teas and overly sticky cinnamon buns.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
A Moment of Calm
Is it the cold? The damp? The holiday? Or just the odd free moment in my hectic zoo schedule? I don't know for sure, but I'm feeling sublime and nostalgic.
As I walk across this campus, hood up in a weak fabric attempt to keep myself dry against the light Autumn rain, I can't help but think back to my early college days. As I was pass the Music building, I remember a 17 year old me, listening at practice room doors for my roomie, playing her clarinet scales and cursing loudly at mistakes. I remember nestling into the covers of my tiny twin bed, with a warm cup of cocoa, overflowing with mini marshmallows, listening to the Florida rainfall compete with loud hissing and clunks coming from an antique radiator. I remember the wet stillness that falls across Murphry Green when all the students are hidden away in rooms, or gathering in hallways.
I remember feeling so young, still stunned to already be in college... and yet feeling so old, mature and jaded to be out of high school. Laughably, that same conflicted arrogance is what can vex me so in my younger classmates. There are moments where I cannot tolerate it, and others where I jealously remember being so blissfully self-involved.
Course... here I am, blathering on about my life and my memories in my blog... as if anyone in the world could really possibly care. LOL. Self-involved is apparently a stage I haven't quite grown out of, if anyone really can.
In the library today, there is a warm silence that smells lightly of moist mulch and growing things. The rainy season in Southern California is also the time of growth, and I enjoy watching plants bud, or grass turning vibrantly green. The media/learning lab area is alive with keyboard clicks and IM pings. Laughter behind me as young women mock Myspace fotos and post with friends. Whereas only moments ago, I felt as if I were back at FSU, these new noises now make me feel as if MUCH has changed since I was in college. It was another decade... hell, another century. Wow... I'm crazy old.
I came to the library to work on my final project for Wildlife Education, while staying dry and warm. B.E. Projects were turned in today, and Diversity finals start next week (well, the first of 3 will be on Tuesday.) However, despite those pending assignments and anxieties, I sit fairly calm and composed, reflecting on college and the rain. It is a good day.
When I do find these moments to post, I have half an urge to ramble on about school: its woes, its dramas, and of course, the animals. Big rubber dairy boots and a shovel full of poop seems to all fade into the background with a 300+lb lioness watching you work. Her amber eyes entrance me and all manual labor seems easier when she's nearby. The coyote seems to trust me more than most others, and although I cannot work with her yet, I think about her often. This week, my assigned area of cleaning is Parrot Gardens. I'm admittedly not much of a bird person, but when a kookaburra breaks out into that long exotic call, even jaded ancient me can be impressed.
In short, school is school.... with all the good and bad that every college experience brings with it. But on rainy days full of memories, it is pleasant and playful and lovely to enjoy.
Wishing you all a great grey Wednesday, and may your Thanksgiving, however you experience it, be full of good friends and good food.
As I walk across this campus, hood up in a weak fabric attempt to keep myself dry against the light Autumn rain, I can't help but think back to my early college days. As I was pass the Music building, I remember a 17 year old me, listening at practice room doors for my roomie, playing her clarinet scales and cursing loudly at mistakes. I remember nestling into the covers of my tiny twin bed, with a warm cup of cocoa, overflowing with mini marshmallows, listening to the Florida rainfall compete with loud hissing and clunks coming from an antique radiator. I remember the wet stillness that falls across Murphry Green when all the students are hidden away in rooms, or gathering in hallways.
I remember feeling so young, still stunned to already be in college... and yet feeling so old, mature and jaded to be out of high school. Laughably, that same conflicted arrogance is what can vex me so in my younger classmates. There are moments where I cannot tolerate it, and others where I jealously remember being so blissfully self-involved.
Course... here I am, blathering on about my life and my memories in my blog... as if anyone in the world could really possibly care. LOL. Self-involved is apparently a stage I haven't quite grown out of, if anyone really can.
In the library today, there is a warm silence that smells lightly of moist mulch and growing things. The rainy season in Southern California is also the time of growth, and I enjoy watching plants bud, or grass turning vibrantly green. The media/learning lab area is alive with keyboard clicks and IM pings. Laughter behind me as young women mock Myspace fotos and post with friends. Whereas only moments ago, I felt as if I were back at FSU, these new noises now make me feel as if MUCH has changed since I was in college. It was another decade... hell, another century. Wow... I'm crazy old.
I came to the library to work on my final project for Wildlife Education, while staying dry and warm. B.E. Projects were turned in today, and Diversity finals start next week (well, the first of 3 will be on Tuesday.) However, despite those pending assignments and anxieties, I sit fairly calm and composed, reflecting on college and the rain. It is a good day.
When I do find these moments to post, I have half an urge to ramble on about school: its woes, its dramas, and of course, the animals. Big rubber dairy boots and a shovel full of poop seems to all fade into the background with a 300+lb lioness watching you work. Her amber eyes entrance me and all manual labor seems easier when she's nearby. The coyote seems to trust me more than most others, and although I cannot work with her yet, I think about her often. This week, my assigned area of cleaning is Parrot Gardens. I'm admittedly not much of a bird person, but when a kookaburra breaks out into that long exotic call, even jaded ancient me can be impressed.
In short, school is school.... with all the good and bad that every college experience brings with it. But on rainy days full of memories, it is pleasant and playful and lovely to enjoy.
Wishing you all a great grey Wednesday, and may your Thanksgiving, however you experience it, be full of good friends and good food.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
The Sky is Falling
I'm sitting at home, trying to list off my to-do's and get some computer/paperwork done for the dance studio. For many people, just another Tuesday. However, on this shiny day, I'm working to the dulcet tones of piles of crumbling roof top, collapsing onto my ceiling. Far overdue, our landlord has decided to re-roof the apartment building. Good thing too, as the last rainy season made a guest appearance in our spare bedroom.
Whoa! HEY! as I type, a bit of roof has fallen onto the kitchen stove (we have a vent in the ceiling for smoke and cooking heat to escape to... however, it's currently being used as an entrance for old tar and bird poop.) Yay. Scuze me, while I handle this...
*brief interlude*
OK, back now. Waxed paper duct taped onto the ceiling. Stove saved. However, the poor cats and herbivores are still bouncing around, alert and one step closer to cardiac arrest.
Speaking of herbivores... we have a new addition to the family. He's a teeny little ball of fur, a young male guinea pig colored deep cocoa brown and soft latte cream. His name is Bean, and he's decided that he's very much in love with Truffles. Purrs flirtatiously whenever Truffles comes over and cleans his ears. It's terribly cute.
Happy Late Independence Day. The 4th passed with little fanfare for us. We did use the opportunity for a brief road trip. Bless my 10 year old Honda, which still gets excellent gas mileage. We debated driving up the coast to the Monteray Aquarium, which Tag has never seen. However, the Big Sur fires have the coastal road closed, so that wasn't going to happen. Therefore we drove north only as far as Ragged Point, where we enjoyed a gorgeous sunset. The Point is one of my favorite places on the coast and I have long wanted to stay there. However, it's usually packed to the gills and very expensive. However, the fires have been negatively affecting their business, so we were able to get a greatly reduced price on one of the best rooms. King bed next to a fireplace, with a balcony that was right on the cliff's edge, with an outstanding view. We scored some fabulous local wine and slept to the sound of crashing surf. On the way home the next day, we lounged with the locals, tried to tour Hearst Castle (they were sold out), and generally enjoyed the sun and sea along the beautiful California coast.
Now I'm back at the desk (or dining room table, such as it is), trying to be productive, but like a little kid anxiously waiting for Christmas, I'm counting the days until school begins. The summer heat intensifies the angsty dread of anticipation, which can only be ended by that thrill of the first day. I haven't been this eager for August since grade school.
And still, the roof falls. *sigh* I didn't think anything could make this day seem longer, but counting the hours of loud crumbling noise lengthens each mundane moment.
Hope your July 8th is more productive.
Whoa! HEY! as I type, a bit of roof has fallen onto the kitchen stove (we have a vent in the ceiling for smoke and cooking heat to escape to... however, it's currently being used as an entrance for old tar and bird poop.) Yay. Scuze me, while I handle this...
*brief interlude*
OK, back now. Waxed paper duct taped onto the ceiling. Stove saved. However, the poor cats and herbivores are still bouncing around, alert and one step closer to cardiac arrest.
Speaking of herbivores... we have a new addition to the family. He's a teeny little ball of fur, a young male guinea pig colored deep cocoa brown and soft latte cream. His name is Bean, and he's decided that he's very much in love with Truffles. Purrs flirtatiously whenever Truffles comes over and cleans his ears. It's terribly cute.
Happy Late Independence Day. The 4th passed with little fanfare for us. We did use the opportunity for a brief road trip. Bless my 10 year old Honda, which still gets excellent gas mileage. We debated driving up the coast to the Monteray Aquarium, which Tag has never seen. However, the Big Sur fires have the coastal road closed, so that wasn't going to happen. Therefore we drove north only as far as Ragged Point, where we enjoyed a gorgeous sunset. The Point is one of my favorite places on the coast and I have long wanted to stay there. However, it's usually packed to the gills and very expensive. However, the fires have been negatively affecting their business, so we were able to get a greatly reduced price on one of the best rooms. King bed next to a fireplace, with a balcony that was right on the cliff's edge, with an outstanding view. We scored some fabulous local wine and slept to the sound of crashing surf. On the way home the next day, we lounged with the locals, tried to tour Hearst Castle (they were sold out), and generally enjoyed the sun and sea along the beautiful California coast.
Now I'm back at the desk (or dining room table, such as it is), trying to be productive, but like a little kid anxiously waiting for Christmas, I'm counting the days until school begins. The summer heat intensifies the angsty dread of anticipation, which can only be ended by that thrill of the first day. I haven't been this eager for August since grade school.
And still, the roof falls. *sigh* I didn't think anything could make this day seem longer, but counting the hours of loud crumbling noise lengthens each mundane moment.
Hope your July 8th is more productive.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Finally June
OH May... please don't take it personally when I say that I am so very glad you have passed. You were a long month, full to the brim of monotony and pain. With an endless list of "to-dos", you packed each moment, leaving me emotionally spent, mentally drained, & physically exhausted.
To Sum Up:
To Sum Up:
- The Foster Kittens grow increasingly adorable with each day. They also grow increasingly demanding and require constant cleaning up. 3 out of 4 are pre-adopted (thank heavens) and I believe the 4th will have a promised home after this week, so it's only a matter of time before they all leave our happy nest. I will likely get teary and will definitely miss their endless pitter-patter. However, the Senior Cats are counting the days until their mid-day nap can go uninterrupted.
- The Seals & Sea Lions flipper their way deeper into my heart. Some graduate forward, to bigger pools and bottom feedings, eventually winning their release back to the ocean. Others sadly deteriorate in ways we can't stop, finally leaving this plane. Just last week, I was present at the demise of a small, soft harbor seal pup. His fur was plush and he seemed a child's toy, except for the fact that his body grew cold & unmoving under my touch. Until that moment, I wasn't sure how I would handle losing an animal. But in the moment, he was suffering so, I was relieved for him when that finally ended.
- Still no word on school. The endless anticipation of that "alternate/wait list" call continues to drag on.
- May 2008 marked the end of my 1001 days. The final update of my list of 101 things will be along shortly.
- Lastly, Bonus Points to you, dear May... for the rousing bout of tendinitis. Several days this month, the searing pain has rendered my right arm nearly useless. Which makes typing a blog, teaching pole work, & restraining 100lb animals more than a little challenging.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Trying to Reason with the Hurricane Season*
I couldn't sleep this morning, because my brain was buzzing with things to say and urges to express. Yet, when I got up and put myself at the computer, a dam went up in my brain and I began only to check email and read blogs.
I'm avoiding myself again.
I'm in a time of transition. I have been for several years now. Usually, when I think of transition, I think of relatively short bursts of energy, pushing me forward, like a snake shedding its skin. However, this transition has been slower and more laborious. Like pregnancy, it creeps forward, seeming sometimes endless. And like pregnancy, one major transition is then followed by another, for after giving birth, it isn't' like Mom gets to go right back to her childless life... no, now a new phase of change and adaptation begins as she surrenders her life to the whims and needs of her spawn.
By the way, I am (for the record) NOT PREGNANT. I'm just using that as an example.
What I am is... confused. Heading down a path I've not yet labeled or recognized completely. I feel a little lost in this body, in this life. I still don't make money in anything related to animal work. I still don't have an answer on school (well, I sort of do. I'm on the wait/alternate list. I'm number 5 on this list, and that's good... but it's not a definite yes or no yet, and the limbo is making me nutz!)
NO... it is more than just school or work. It is my body. It is aging. Goddess Spirituality talks about the triad of Goddess: Maiden, Mother, Crone. For so long, I was an embodiment of Maiden energy. Sometimes Dark Maiden, with over-indulgences and self-destructive behaviors, but always there was a youthfulness to my step. Although my body was that of a mature woman, my spirit felt young, and beautiful.
Growing up, I was not the standard beauty. It long plagued me that I was awkward and brunette and more curvy than statuesque. So I worked like a bastard to make up for it, with a ton of personality and an overt sensuality/sexuality. As I grew up, and did more inner work, I began to actually look in the mirror and say, "That girl there, she's .... well she's attractive, and that's not bad." I felt that I was beginning to accept myself. More so, I was very nearly able to love myself, how I looked.
But then things began to change. Was it all the emotional butchering of 2005? Was it the physical traumas caused by the IUD in 2006? Was it all the health problems and chronic pain I've had lately? Was it settling into a real long term relationship, sharing my space, my every mood and bodily function with another human being? Dealing with intimacy in a way I'd never known before and finding that I wasn't as good at it as I'd hoped? Or was it the Chinese water torture of year after year of office politics and useless corporate posturing that just sucked the joy out of me? I don't know what the tipping point was, but the last 2 - 3 years have aged me. I look into the mirror and the Maiden is gone. My eyes just don't sparkle. I notice more wrinkles. I can pinch way more than an inch, pretty much everywhere.
Somewhere inside, there is a very startled little girl looking out my eyes and saying to my reflection, "What happened to you? You Got OLD!" And in this town, Old = Unattractive. Old = Invisible. Old = Done. And I don't want to be done... I'm 36 years old. I refuse to be done.
The 1/4 sleeve tattoo on my right arm is a reminder to me that I am not finished with my journey. Clearly, the head shaving is also an attempt to redefine, reconfigure.... reimagine what "grown up" looks like. Like adolescence, I find myself trying to compensate for not being "pretty". Like a youthful rebellion, I am acting out, refusing to conform (because deep down inside, I know that if I tried to conform, I still wouldn't fit. I still wouldn't be "good enough" for the standard.)
To go back to my earlier analogy, I believe that I have completed the birthing portion of this transformation. But I'm still struggling with the surrender concept: the idea that I must willing let go of the rope to which I cling, that previous image of self, and give myself completely to a fresh, reimagined fledgling spawn of the woman I am to become.
Dude... it has to be said. Sometimes this growing-up shit sucks eggs!
* I know this post has nothing to do with hurricanes. The Jimmy Buffett quote is just my way of saying that sometimes we try to make sense of things that are beyond our control. We wish to understand cosmic nature and all her destructive forces, and sometimes, that just doesn't do a damn bit of good. What is, just IS. Grab your beer, hold on to your trailer, and try to enjoy the ride.
I'm avoiding myself again.
I'm in a time of transition. I have been for several years now. Usually, when I think of transition, I think of relatively short bursts of energy, pushing me forward, like a snake shedding its skin. However, this transition has been slower and more laborious. Like pregnancy, it creeps forward, seeming sometimes endless. And like pregnancy, one major transition is then followed by another, for after giving birth, it isn't' like Mom gets to go right back to her childless life... no, now a new phase of change and adaptation begins as she surrenders her life to the whims and needs of her spawn.
By the way, I am (for the record) NOT PREGNANT. I'm just using that as an example.
What I am is... confused. Heading down a path I've not yet labeled or recognized completely. I feel a little lost in this body, in this life. I still don't make money in anything related to animal work. I still don't have an answer on school (well, I sort of do. I'm on the wait/alternate list. I'm number 5 on this list, and that's good... but it's not a definite yes or no yet, and the limbo is making me nutz!)
NO... it is more than just school or work. It is my body. It is aging. Goddess Spirituality talks about the triad of Goddess: Maiden, Mother, Crone. For so long, I was an embodiment of Maiden energy. Sometimes Dark Maiden, with over-indulgences and self-destructive behaviors, but always there was a youthfulness to my step. Although my body was that of a mature woman, my spirit felt young, and beautiful.
Growing up, I was not the standard beauty. It long plagued me that I was awkward and brunette and more curvy than statuesque. So I worked like a bastard to make up for it, with a ton of personality and an overt sensuality/sexuality. As I grew up, and did more inner work, I began to actually look in the mirror and say, "That girl there, she's .... well she's attractive, and that's not bad." I felt that I was beginning to accept myself. More so, I was very nearly able to love myself, how I looked.
But then things began to change. Was it all the emotional butchering of 2005? Was it the physical traumas caused by the IUD in 2006? Was it all the health problems and chronic pain I've had lately? Was it settling into a real long term relationship, sharing my space, my every mood and bodily function with another human being? Dealing with intimacy in a way I'd never known before and finding that I wasn't as good at it as I'd hoped? Or was it the Chinese water torture of year after year of office politics and useless corporate posturing that just sucked the joy out of me? I don't know what the tipping point was, but the last 2 - 3 years have aged me. I look into the mirror and the Maiden is gone. My eyes just don't sparkle. I notice more wrinkles. I can pinch way more than an inch, pretty much everywhere.
Somewhere inside, there is a very startled little girl looking out my eyes and saying to my reflection, "What happened to you? You Got OLD!" And in this town, Old = Unattractive. Old = Invisible. Old = Done. And I don't want to be done... I'm 36 years old. I refuse to be done.
The 1/4 sleeve tattoo on my right arm is a reminder to me that I am not finished with my journey. Clearly, the head shaving is also an attempt to redefine, reconfigure.... reimagine what "grown up" looks like. Like adolescence, I find myself trying to compensate for not being "pretty". Like a youthful rebellion, I am acting out, refusing to conform (because deep down inside, I know that if I tried to conform, I still wouldn't fit. I still wouldn't be "good enough" for the standard.)
To go back to my earlier analogy, I believe that I have completed the birthing portion of this transformation. But I'm still struggling with the surrender concept: the idea that I must willing let go of the rope to which I cling, that previous image of self, and give myself completely to a fresh, reimagined fledgling spawn of the woman I am to become.
Dude... it has to be said. Sometimes this growing-up shit sucks eggs!
* I know this post has nothing to do with hurricanes. The Jimmy Buffett quote is just my way of saying that sometimes we try to make sense of things that are beyond our control. We wish to understand cosmic nature and all her destructive forces, and sometimes, that just doesn't do a damn bit of good. What is, just IS. Grab your beer, hold on to your trailer, and try to enjoy the ride.
Monday, April 21, 2008
April Showers of Random Info
OH my, hello there little neglected blog. So much to say but April has sneaked by on fleeting tip-toe and I can hardly keep track. Hate to be so abrupt, but that seems to be a theme in my life lately... stripping it down. Getting to basics. Moving forward erratically at break-neck speed. Therefore, I must sum up in bullet points:
- Finally got taxes done, April 14th. That is SO LATE for me. However, after going through business deductions and volunteer work, I do have a small amount coming to me from our friends at the Federal offices. Thank the gods, because we could use a little cash.
- Marine Mammals aplenty!! My hours at the center continue to accrue, and I've gotten pretty damn quick at being able to handle the elley seal pups as needed. However, I still stay away from sea lions, as they are quick and nasty tempered.
- Zoo Gnus! I've been working with Enrichment, creating required toys and tools for the animals health and enjoyment. In May, I've volunteered for Bear Medical team for the Bearnstine Bears event. Um... not to worry, those bears are stuffed. I'll be wearing scrubs, but I'll only be mending fabric and faux fur.
- Kitten Season! Helping out Milo's Sanctuary, I'm currently fostering 4 4-week old kittens. My every waking hour seems focused on preparing food, feeding, wiping bottoms, doing poopy laundry and washing bottles and dishes. I'm WORN OUT! I don't know how you Moms of human children do this for more than a few weeks. YIKES!
- Lastly- NEW HAIR... or the lack thereof. Yep, I did it... went bald. Now I just need to work out constantly and never eat again if I want to look like Demi in G. I. Jane.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Hoping for a Breeze
She lives. She returns. She posts.
I wish that after a 3- 4 week absence I could say something wildly insightful and deliciously moving... but alas, I find that the old adage is true. The hardest part of each endeavor is the beginning, and I have spent the last month feeling a bit overwhelmed with the whole "change my life" plan.
I am working with Walking in the World, the sequal to The Artist's Way. As such, I get up each morning and handwrite pages in my journal. I'm still working on the "weekly walk" part. I find that one of the arts that is really coming up for me right now is photography. I've always loved experimenting with it, but it has been years since I had a really good camera to play with. I'm trying to let myself explore colors and images... but one of my favorite joys is to take the camera to the zoo and see if I can capture a good shot of the animals.
I was accepted as a volunteer at the LA Zoo. Have gone through my training and can begin acquiring hours as soon as I get back a negative TB test result and have my fingerprints done. Additionally, I was included as part of a behind the scenes tour of the Long Beach Aquarium. Got to go above the tanks and feed the fish. But more excitedly, spoke with a gentleman who is charge of volunteer coordination, and will be in further touch with him in order to begin volunteering in the Animal Husbandry department down there. Next Monday, I'm going to an Orientation at the San Pedro Marine Mammal Care center. I still need to fill out my application paperwork in order to volunteer for Best Friend's local adoptions.
On Tuesdays, I spend my day at the Soultree Motion corporate offices, helping Dirt organize and update the "new direction" for the dance studio. Tuesday nights, I still teach my class. These activities are the only ones that bring in money, so far. The financial situation is survivable, but definately challenging and a wee bit stressful.
I heard back from school... My application materials were recieved and I have cleared the "5 pre-req" hurdle. YAY! I am now officially "in the running" for the 2008 class. There's informational meetings in March, and the list of those accepted will be released in May. Until then, I'm on pins and needles, and trying to get as many animal hours in with my various volunteering spots.
The ever-changing Southern California weather is driving my sinuses batty. The cats seem happier with someone home more of the time. Truffles is enjoying the nip in the air, and throws his jingling bunny-ball around in a one-man volleyball game most mornings around 7am. In short, life is continuing to move forward, although sometimes it is a maddeningly-slow pace.
I dream of sitting in the jungle, observing the great apes. I long to own a Nikon D-80, so that I might capture wild untamed life, abundant on savannah plains in Africa. I want to get SCUBA certified, so that I can dive at the aquarium.
So many plans, hopes, and dreams. It is hard to focus in all directions at once, pushing each a little bit. Like running with several kites behind me, waiting for the Universe to blow a swift wind under the "right" one.
I wish that after a 3- 4 week absence I could say something wildly insightful and deliciously moving... but alas, I find that the old adage is true. The hardest part of each endeavor is the beginning, and I have spent the last month feeling a bit overwhelmed with the whole "change my life" plan.
I am working with Walking in the World, the sequal to The Artist's Way. As such, I get up each morning and handwrite pages in my journal. I'm still working on the "weekly walk" part. I find that one of the arts that is really coming up for me right now is photography. I've always loved experimenting with it, but it has been years since I had a really good camera to play with. I'm trying to let myself explore colors and images... but one of my favorite joys is to take the camera to the zoo and see if I can capture a good shot of the animals.
I was accepted as a volunteer at the LA Zoo. Have gone through my training and can begin acquiring hours as soon as I get back a negative TB test result and have my fingerprints done. Additionally, I was included as part of a behind the scenes tour of the Long Beach Aquarium. Got to go above the tanks and feed the fish. But more excitedly, spoke with a gentleman who is charge of volunteer coordination, and will be in further touch with him in order to begin volunteering in the Animal Husbandry department down there. Next Monday, I'm going to an Orientation at the San Pedro Marine Mammal Care center. I still need to fill out my application paperwork in order to volunteer for Best Friend's local adoptions.
On Tuesdays, I spend my day at the Soultree Motion corporate offices, helping Dirt organize and update the "new direction" for the dance studio. Tuesday nights, I still teach my class. These activities are the only ones that bring in money, so far. The financial situation is survivable, but definately challenging and a wee bit stressful.
I heard back from school... My application materials were recieved and I have cleared the "5 pre-req" hurdle. YAY! I am now officially "in the running" for the 2008 class. There's informational meetings in March, and the list of those accepted will be released in May. Until then, I'm on pins and needles, and trying to get as many animal hours in with my various volunteering spots.
The ever-changing Southern California weather is driving my sinuses batty. The cats seem happier with someone home more of the time. Truffles is enjoying the nip in the air, and throws his jingling bunny-ball around in a one-man volleyball game most mornings around 7am. In short, life is continuing to move forward, although sometimes it is a maddeningly-slow pace.
I dream of sitting in the jungle, observing the great apes. I long to own a Nikon D-80, so that I might capture wild untamed life, abundant on savannah plains in Africa. I want to get SCUBA certified, so that I can dive at the aquarium.
So many plans, hopes, and dreams. It is hard to focus in all directions at once, pushing each a little bit. Like running with several kites behind me, waiting for the Universe to blow a swift wind under the "right" one.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Back from the Brink
Ladies & Gentlemen, please pardon my absence... but when they tell you that this years flu is a bitch, I suggest you believe them!
Actually, it wasn't the flu in my case, but an over-achieving sinus infection, which got into my ears (causing pain there) and dripped down my throat (causing bronchial issues). After running a fever of 102 - 103 for THREE days straight, I finally made it to the doctor to see if anything could be done. I'm on horsepill antibiotics and even those took several days to get rid of the fever. IN short, I didn't really show up for my last week of work... and I'm just now starting to act and feel like a human again.
I did make a point of arriving at my desk for 3 hours on my last day of employment. I sat, bundled to the 9's, feverish and coughing, finishing up the expense reports and items that I promised would be done before I left. And in the end, when i had that last "wrap up" conversation with the Big Dog, he still made a point of saying how my inability to accept change in the personnel of the department caused my frustrations. NO JACKASS, it was YOU!! YOU caused my frustration, with your lack of spine and your double-talk. With your inability to understand human nature or communicate with any sort of clarity, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. Now Fuck off! I am done with you.
Wow... does THAT feel good to type! Healing comes in many ways, I'm discovering.
I'm also discovering that life without rules is challenging for a work-a-holic like myself. I don't let myself sleep in terribly much, because I know that leads to depression for me. Amandarin suggested finding an early morning yoga class to go to, and I think that's a stellar idea. IN the meantime, I'm researching jobs online, and waiting to hear if I've been accepted to the LA Zoo Volunteer training class. (I interviewed on Saturday.) I sent in my application for school, and am doing reading and research on various job options out there. Trying to find my bliss, as it were.
It's a beautiful day outside. No rain. The wind smells fresh and the sun looks warm. I believe I'll head out for a day of errands and figure out the rest as I go.
Actually, it wasn't the flu in my case, but an over-achieving sinus infection, which got into my ears (causing pain there) and dripped down my throat (causing bronchial issues). After running a fever of 102 - 103 for THREE days straight, I finally made it to the doctor to see if anything could be done. I'm on horsepill antibiotics and even those took several days to get rid of the fever. IN short, I didn't really show up for my last week of work... and I'm just now starting to act and feel like a human again.
I did make a point of arriving at my desk for 3 hours on my last day of employment. I sat, bundled to the 9's, feverish and coughing, finishing up the expense reports and items that I promised would be done before I left. And in the end, when i had that last "wrap up" conversation with the Big Dog, he still made a point of saying how my inability to accept change in the personnel of the department caused my frustrations. NO JACKASS, it was YOU!! YOU caused my frustration, with your lack of spine and your double-talk. With your inability to understand human nature or communicate with any sort of clarity, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. Now Fuck off! I am done with you.
Wow... does THAT feel good to type! Healing comes in many ways, I'm discovering.
I'm also discovering that life without rules is challenging for a work-a-holic like myself. I don't let myself sleep in terribly much, because I know that leads to depression for me. Amandarin suggested finding an early morning yoga class to go to, and I think that's a stellar idea. IN the meantime, I'm researching jobs online, and waiting to hear if I've been accepted to the LA Zoo Volunteer training class. (I interviewed on Saturday.) I sent in my application for school, and am doing reading and research on various job options out there. Trying to find my bliss, as it were.
It's a beautiful day outside. No rain. The wind smells fresh and the sun looks warm. I believe I'll head out for a day of errands and figure out the rest as I go.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Choices
One's philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes. In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And, the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.-- Eleanor Roosevelt
The prospect of being unemployed is not one that fills me with a great deal of comfort. However, the actions of others around me (here at the office) have confirmed that my resignation was ABSOLUTELY the best choice for me to make. Alice in Wonderland once said, "I do not want to go amongst mad people," and believe me, I could not echo her sentiments more resolutely.
As the news of my departure leaks its way through the department, and then the company, many have approached to ask where my path is heading. I can give no answer other than, "I don't know... but sure as hell not here." An overwhelming abundance of choices are spread before me and I could pick any and do well.
However, some choices are not made with the mind, but with the heart, or the soul, or the very essence that drives you. I tell others that I don't know where I'm headed, but that's not entirely true. I know that my future must contain working with animals, and preferably working outside. Too long have I sat 10 - 12 hours at a time, in front of a computer, ignoring the fact that the sun rises and sets and I don't have a moment to get outdoors. Too long have I smiled and played "nice" within the snake pit of office politics. And for what? As Amandarin pointed out not long ago, "No one is ever going to reach their deathbed and find themselves wishing they'd spent more time at work." I'm pursing returning to school. I'm looking at nearby possibilities. And of course, I'm still reaching for my heart's mission.
One night, I was scouring the web, researching opportunities and I found myself weeping for all the lost years. I turned to Tag and said, "How did I get to be 36 without even KNOWING these jobs were out there?" To which he responded, "The good news is... you're only 36, and you know now."
Eleanor is right. This process takes an entire lifetime, and I'm not done yet. If I am truly in charge of shaping my life, then let me grab the sculptor's tools and create a reality I'm proud to call my own. Let me choose to be happy and fulfilled. Let me make the choices that make a difference.
The prospect of being unemployed is not one that fills me with a great deal of comfort. However, the actions of others around me (here at the office) have confirmed that my resignation was ABSOLUTELY the best choice for me to make. Alice in Wonderland once said, "I do not want to go amongst mad people," and believe me, I could not echo her sentiments more resolutely.
As the news of my departure leaks its way through the department, and then the company, many have approached to ask where my path is heading. I can give no answer other than, "I don't know... but sure as hell not here." An overwhelming abundance of choices are spread before me and I could pick any and do well.
However, some choices are not made with the mind, but with the heart, or the soul, or the very essence that drives you. I tell others that I don't know where I'm headed, but that's not entirely true. I know that my future must contain working with animals, and preferably working outside. Too long have I sat 10 - 12 hours at a time, in front of a computer, ignoring the fact that the sun rises and sets and I don't have a moment to get outdoors. Too long have I smiled and played "nice" within the snake pit of office politics. And for what? As Amandarin pointed out not long ago, "No one is ever going to reach their deathbed and find themselves wishing they'd spent more time at work." I'm pursing returning to school. I'm looking at nearby possibilities. And of course, I'm still reaching for my heart's mission.
One night, I was scouring the web, researching opportunities and I found myself weeping for all the lost years. I turned to Tag and said, "How did I get to be 36 without even KNOWING these jobs were out there?" To which he responded, "The good news is... you're only 36, and you know now."
Eleanor is right. This process takes an entire lifetime, and I'm not done yet. If I am truly in charge of shaping my life, then let me grab the sculptor's tools and create a reality I'm proud to call my own. Let me choose to be happy and fulfilled. Let me make the choices that make a difference.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Joining the Ranks
Life does so like to throw curve balls at the best laid plans. For example, blogging. If you take too long in the crafting of your statement, you may rapidly find that what you wished to say is no longer relevant.
Case in point, I was working on a blog post called “The Death in Deadlines.” Long have I bemoaned the corporate world, chained to a desk and other’s rules. I have been doing two different jobs, acting as both Exec Assistant and Special Events Coordinator. The first is my job on paper (which grows daily). The second, I’ve stepped up to because it is desperately needed (and far more entertaining than the first.) The pace has become unmanageable and the office drama has grown more emotionally draining by the month. Add to that the fact that I left my heart in Kanab, Utah, and what was once uncomfortable becomes unbearable. Thus over a month ago,“Operation Departure” was set in motion.
I notified my friends in IT that I would need to move my iTunes library off my work computer. This did require my buying a laptop of my very own, on which to relocate my tunage. Tag began budgeting, to find out how we might be able to live on a single income (in the interim, not as a full time solution.) I set up time with the President of the company, to establish why they needed a full time Events Coordinator, and also to name the candidate I thought best to fill that position. Lastly, I declared to those closest to me that I would not see February 1st in my current situation.
I am prone to staying in very bad situations for way too long. My inner codependent screams, “I can fix this,” and I repeatedly attempt to make silk from the sow’s ear. Therefore, by declaration, I enlisted my friends to be my reality check and my reinforced backbone. If, for some reason I did not give notice, they were all permitted to question my sanity and … harass me until I stood up for myself and left.
This week, each day, they would IM me encouraging words and a great deal of support. And each day this week, I considered backing out of my plan. Not because the work situation was getting any better, but because my masochistic self felt irrepressibly guilty for leaving a job for no better reason than my mental health.
“Death in Deadlines” was to speak to the fact that my friends were (rightly so) calling for me to honor my commitment, and to admit my fear and hesitation to honor myself. However, today (the day before I was to give notice) events came to pass that required my announcement to come one day early. It was time to just take a deep breath and speak up for myself. I did so, and while I kept it diplomatic, a small spark inside me ignited and I felt … I don’t know how to describe it. Hopeful, perhaps. Free, maybe.
Whatever the feeling, the point is… with a great deal of planning, but no clear idea of where I’m headed, I let go of what was, and jumped both feet into the ranks of the unemployed.
Case in point, I was working on a blog post called “The Death in Deadlines.” Long have I bemoaned the corporate world, chained to a desk and other’s rules. I have been doing two different jobs, acting as both Exec Assistant and Special Events Coordinator. The first is my job on paper (which grows daily). The second, I’ve stepped up to because it is desperately needed (and far more entertaining than the first.) The pace has become unmanageable and the office drama has grown more emotionally draining by the month. Add to that the fact that I left my heart in Kanab, Utah, and what was once uncomfortable becomes unbearable. Thus over a month ago,“Operation Departure” was set in motion.
I notified my friends in IT that I would need to move my iTunes library off my work computer. This did require my buying a laptop of my very own, on which to relocate my tunage. Tag began budgeting, to find out how we might be able to live on a single income (in the interim, not as a full time solution.) I set up time with the President of the company, to establish why they needed a full time Events Coordinator, and also to name the candidate I thought best to fill that position. Lastly, I declared to those closest to me that I would not see February 1st in my current situation.
I am prone to staying in very bad situations for way too long. My inner codependent screams, “I can fix this,” and I repeatedly attempt to make silk from the sow’s ear. Therefore, by declaration, I enlisted my friends to be my reality check and my reinforced backbone. If, for some reason I did not give notice, they were all permitted to question my sanity and … harass me until I stood up for myself and left.
This week, each day, they would IM me encouraging words and a great deal of support. And each day this week, I considered backing out of my plan. Not because the work situation was getting any better, but because my masochistic self felt irrepressibly guilty for leaving a job for no better reason than my mental health.
“Death in Deadlines” was to speak to the fact that my friends were (rightly so) calling for me to honor my commitment, and to admit my fear and hesitation to honor myself. However, today (the day before I was to give notice) events came to pass that required my announcement to come one day early. It was time to just take a deep breath and speak up for myself. I did so, and while I kept it diplomatic, a small spark inside me ignited and I felt … I don’t know how to describe it. Hopeful, perhaps. Free, maybe.
Whatever the feeling, the point is… with a great deal of planning, but no clear idea of where I’m headed, I let go of what was, and jumped both feet into the ranks of the unemployed.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Toodles to Two-oh-oh-Seven
Amandarin has a yearly tradition of "the year in review" utilizing the following 40 questions. I like them and thus will gak them here, as a way to "wrap up" 2007 and send it on its way.
1) Was 2007 a good year for you?
It wasn’t all the ZIP, BAM, WOW that I was hoping for, but it had some great moments, and I think it laid some really good groundwork for 2008.
2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
There are many: Swimming with Sea Turtles in Honaunau; Watching the Pu’u O’o vent erupting against the night sky; Surrounding myself with the cats of the “Kitty Motel” at Best Friends.
3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Anxiety attacks; one of my BFF’s moving far away with hubby and baby; leaving Spuds at Best Friends that last cold morning.
4) Where were you when 2007 began?
Slack’s living room, trying to hold an inebriated Tag upright!
5) Who were you with?
Some of the coolest peeps in Hollywood blogdom.
6) Where will you be when 2007 ends?
Plans are to be at Slack & BetheBoy’s. I’ll probably be supporting Tag again too… if his plane lands as expected. *frets*
7) Who will you be with when 2007 ends?
See 5
8) Did you keep your New Year's resolution of 2007?
I don’t follow all the rules of “resolution”… but I do think that I followed through on plans and moved forward in several areas of my life.
9) Do you have a New Year's resolution for 2008?
FIND & FOLLOW MY BLISS
10) Did you fall in love in 2007?
Just a little bit more everyday
11) If yes, with whom?
Him (oh… and him)
12) If yes, do they know?
Yes
13) Are you still in love with them?
Madly
14) Do you regret it?
Nope
15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2007?
Not that I can think… but I will be ending one crappy relationship soon.
16) Did you make any new friends in 2007?
LOTS
17) Who are your favorite new friends?
Dancer, Charlotte, Mouse, Scooter, HoneyBear & all the beautiful souls at the Kitty Motel
18) What was your favorite month of 2007?
It's all one big blur
19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2007?
*sigh* nope
20) How many different states did you travel to in 2007?
5 (if you count my CA travels to Palm Springs and Monteray)
21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2007?
No, I was blessed once again
22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Yes, several people who for one reason or another have left my life.
23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2007?
We really enjoyed “Surf’s Up” LOL! I also liked “Music & Lyrics”, “Pride”, “Eastern Promises” & “Ratatouille”. I have not seen, but am totally looking forward to “Sweeney Todd” and “The Water Horse”
24) What was your favorite song from 2007?
um... I’m so bad at this sort of thing. This year, I fell in love with the song “Daughter” by Vienna Tang. (however, she released it in 2002)
25) What was your favorite record from 2007?
*draws a blank*
26) Did you see any concerts this year?
Um… I don’t think so. I’m not much of a concert girl. However, Tag may have dragged me to something (then again, that might have been 2006)
27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2007?
see above
28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2007?
LOL… it would seem that way, since I can’t remember a damn thing!
29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007?
They all come in bottles with prescriptions on the front.
30) Did you hope for something you didn't get in 2007?
yes, but I’m still moving forward in pursuit of that goal
31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Not all my moments were shiny and glorious, but I don’t think I’m ashamed of anything.
32) What was the biggest lie you told in 2007?
“No, I really enjoy working with you. Really”
33) What was the worst lie someone told you?
“I feel great. I’ve done all my work and I’m ready to move forward. There is definately going to be some changes around here."
34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?
I don’t think so, and certainly hope not.
35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?
Yes, and they will be sorry in about 3 weeks.
36) How much money did you spend in 2007?
BUNCHES. I was paying off a LOT of my debts.
37) What was your proudest moment of 2007?
I pulled off a lot of difficult feats at the office. Looking back, I’m proud of what I contributed to the special events at work.
38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007?
Crying like a 4 yr old having a tantrum, as I sat on the ice on the bunny hill, during my first ever day of snowboarding.
39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2007 and change something, what would it be?
Can I please just be brilliant at snowboarding on the first try? That would be cool
40) What are your plans for 2008?
Big Changes. New Communications. Follow the bliss and get the f’k out of LA.
1) Was 2007 a good year for you?
It wasn’t all the ZIP, BAM, WOW that I was hoping for, but it had some great moments, and I think it laid some really good groundwork for 2008.
2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
There are many: Swimming with Sea Turtles in Honaunau; Watching the Pu’u O’o vent erupting against the night sky; Surrounding myself with the cats of the “Kitty Motel” at Best Friends.
3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Anxiety attacks; one of my BFF’s moving far away with hubby and baby; leaving Spuds at Best Friends that last cold morning.
4) Where were you when 2007 began?
Slack’s living room, trying to hold an inebriated Tag upright!
5) Who were you with?
Some of the coolest peeps in Hollywood blogdom.
6) Where will you be when 2007 ends?
Plans are to be at Slack & BetheBoy’s. I’ll probably be supporting Tag again too… if his plane lands as expected. *frets*
7) Who will you be with when 2007 ends?
See 5
8) Did you keep your New Year's resolution of 2007?
I don’t follow all the rules of “resolution”… but I do think that I followed through on plans and moved forward in several areas of my life.
9) Do you have a New Year's resolution for 2008?
FIND & FOLLOW MY BLISS
10) Did you fall in love in 2007?
Just a little bit more everyday
11) If yes, with whom?
Him (oh… and him)
12) If yes, do they know?
Yes
13) Are you still in love with them?
Madly
14) Do you regret it?
Nope
15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2007?
Not that I can think… but I will be ending one crappy relationship soon.
16) Did you make any new friends in 2007?
LOTS
17) Who are your favorite new friends?
Dancer, Charlotte, Mouse, Scooter, HoneyBear & all the beautiful souls at the Kitty Motel
18) What was your favorite month of 2007?
It's all one big blur
19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2007?
*sigh* nope
20) How many different states did you travel to in 2007?
5 (if you count my CA travels to Palm Springs and Monteray)
21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2007?
No, I was blessed once again
22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Yes, several people who for one reason or another have left my life.
23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2007?
We really enjoyed “Surf’s Up” LOL! I also liked “Music & Lyrics”, “Pride”, “Eastern Promises” & “Ratatouille”. I have not seen, but am totally looking forward to “Sweeney Todd” and “The Water Horse”
24) What was your favorite song from 2007?
um... I’m so bad at this sort of thing. This year, I fell in love with the song “Daughter” by Vienna Tang. (however, she released it in 2002)
25) What was your favorite record from 2007?
*draws a blank*
26) Did you see any concerts this year?
Um… I don’t think so. I’m not much of a concert girl. However, Tag may have dragged me to something (then again, that might have been 2006)
27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2007?
see above
28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2007?
LOL… it would seem that way, since I can’t remember a damn thing!
29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007?
They all come in bottles with prescriptions on the front.
30) Did you hope for something you didn't get in 2007?
yes, but I’m still moving forward in pursuit of that goal
31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Not all my moments were shiny and glorious, but I don’t think I’m ashamed of anything.
32) What was the biggest lie you told in 2007?
“No, I really enjoy working with you. Really”
33) What was the worst lie someone told you?
“I feel great. I’ve done all my work and I’m ready to move forward. There is definately going to be some changes around here."
34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?
I don’t think so, and certainly hope not.
35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?
Yes, and they will be sorry in about 3 weeks.
36) How much money did you spend in 2007?
BUNCHES. I was paying off a LOT of my debts.
37) What was your proudest moment of 2007?
I pulled off a lot of difficult feats at the office. Looking back, I’m proud of what I contributed to the special events at work.
38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007?
Crying like a 4 yr old having a tantrum, as I sat on the ice on the bunny hill, during my first ever day of snowboarding.
39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2007 and change something, what would it be?
Can I please just be brilliant at snowboarding on the first try? That would be cool
40) What are your plans for 2008?
Big Changes. New Communications. Follow the bliss and get the f’k out of LA.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
OH so much to tell
My dears, how I've missed you... but oh the adventures I've been on.
* Travelling cross country with my love.
* Visiting the vibrating metropolis of Chicago.
* Seeing the colors changing as the seasons roll one from the next.
* Drinking deeply the lush tones and tastes of Missouri's wine country (which I had NO IDEA existed!)
* Reconnecting with Friends, nesting in the hills of Evergreen, Colorado.
* Traversing the Rockies in all their majestic glory.
* Hiking Utah's awe-inspiring parks.
and finally coming home, to the furry-purries who missed me!!
Pictures and elaborations to come.
* Travelling cross country with my love.
* Visiting the vibrating metropolis of Chicago.
* Seeing the colors changing as the seasons roll one from the next.
* Drinking deeply the lush tones and tastes of Missouri's wine country (which I had NO IDEA existed!)
* Reconnecting with Friends, nesting in the hills of Evergreen, Colorado.
* Traversing the Rockies in all their majestic glory.
* Hiking Utah's awe-inspiring parks.
and finally coming home, to the furry-purries who missed me!!
Pictures and elaborations to come.
*grin*
Monday, July 10, 2006
Challenged
Ever have those days when you're especially clumsy, particularly incapable, or just down right ragingly dumb??
Like today....
I spent my morning amidst a comedy of errors that left me with a coffee cup full of something vaguely resembling a blend of grits and scrambled eggs (disguised as a warm breakfast beverage), a wet & tea-stained white t-shirt, and a mild burn down one forearm.
How does one top a morning like that?
Well apparently, one attempts to electrocute oneself. Just now… I put a live wire in my mouth. Oh, not intentionally (in that "Jackass" sort of way), but completely by not paying attention (more in the "I AM a jackass" sort of way).
I was crawling around under my desk trying to adjust some plug-ins, and I found that I needed a third hand to hold something... so, not thinking about the fact that it was still plugged in, I put a connective AC output wire in my mouth. Of course the moment it shocked my tongue (much like putting it to the tip of a 9 volt battery) I opened my mouth and spat it out. And then sat there overwhelmed by my stupidity.
I guess I should also thank my extremely buff squad of gaurdian angels that it didn’t connect to the METAL PIERCING in my damn tongue.
*headdesk*
You may mock me now.
Like today....
I spent my morning amidst a comedy of errors that left me with a coffee cup full of something vaguely resembling a blend of grits and scrambled eggs (disguised as a warm breakfast beverage), a wet & tea-stained white t-shirt, and a mild burn down one forearm.
How does one top a morning like that?
Well apparently, one attempts to electrocute oneself. Just now… I put a live wire in my mouth. Oh, not intentionally (in that "Jackass" sort of way), but completely by not paying attention (more in the "I AM a jackass" sort of way).
I was crawling around under my desk trying to adjust some plug-ins, and I found that I needed a third hand to hold something... so, not thinking about the fact that it was still plugged in, I put a connective AC output wire in my mouth. Of course the moment it shocked my tongue (much like putting it to the tip of a 9 volt battery) I opened my mouth and spat it out. And then sat there overwhelmed by my stupidity.
I guess I should also thank my extremely buff squad of gaurdian angels that it didn’t connect to the METAL PIERCING in my damn tongue.
*headdesk*
You may mock me now.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Running Ragged
"Where does the time go?
Simply too few hours in the day.
Oh, a Diva's work is never done."
~ Carlotta's song, "Phantom"
(that's the Yeston & Kopit version folks! Far Superior, IMHO, that the Andrew Lloyd Webber one)
Seriously, I haven't seemed to catch up lately. The good news is that it's largely been all positive.
Simply too few hours in the day.
Oh, a Diva's work is never done."
~ Carlotta's song, "Phantom"
(that's the Yeston & Kopit version folks! Far Superior, IMHO, that the Andrew Lloyd Webber one)
Seriously, I haven't seemed to catch up lately. The good news is that it's largely been all positive.
- The day job took a brief header into unhappy land, and it continues to be insanely busy... but the morale is improving, and the long awaited employee "Bash" that I had to organize is finally coming together nicely. It occurs this Friday, and after that, I should be less crazed.
- The Dance Studio continues to be a source of joy and challenge in my life. Class + Training + Front Desk Duties = additional job with heck of a commute. And my body is in a rebellious phase, where it just doesn't want to release into the music. The feeling is that of being a shaken bottle of soda... just waiting for the cap to twist.
- Got cast in 2 (count em.... 2!) Voice Over jobs with a major video game company. Have recorded one already, and just scheduled studio time for the second. Sadly, I can give you no further details as they are both top secret projects.
- Also cast in Infomercial for upcoming fitness product. You know the type... just "5 min a day" (small print at bottom says "... when used as a part of a regular workout routine and balanced eating plan"). Well, the product is fairly simple ... it's the regular workout and eating plan that summarily kicking my ass. Particularly the part where I get up at 5am M, W, & F mornings so I can make it to the gym to meet the group with the trainer. UGH!
- I inherited a short-term emergency roomie. She's a genteel and sweet thing whose luck has not been the greatest as of late, so I'm offering her safe space and hopefully some entertaining conversation. She brings with her 2 kitties, who are characters in their own rights... and so the household inhabitants number is (counting all the fur babies) up to 7. We are grossly outnumbered by the carnivores, but as long as they don't have thumbs, we will continue our reign of matriarchal tyranny.
- Lastly, but certainly not least in my life.... Tag & I continue to be deliriously happy, despite the distance difficulties. Late July, we are scheduled for a long weekend on an island, and that is the touchstone that keeps me plugging ever forward.
That, my dears, is all the news fit to print. I'd love to be wittier .... but I'm just too damn tired.
Monday, June 05, 2006
The Truth to the Skip in my Step
This blog is named “CNR” in direct reference to my dating life. However, as of late, it is the one topic that I’ve shied away from discussing.
I’m loathe to make it seem that there’s a revolving door on my heart, but in the time since separating from The Comfy PJs, there has been a series of unfortunate events.
Some were only passing fancies, better in theory than in reality. Others so fleeting that recording the who and wherefore would require more time and commitment than the affair itself. A couple have exploded with damaging results to all those involved. A few were embarrassing attempts to settle for what was there, instead of manifesting what I wanted. Many were just damn bad ideas!
And then fate dropped him on my plate. We’ve been in communication for over a year now, exchanging ideas and discussing passions. Friends and conversationalists with a dash of flirtation. That was until May… when Fate designed a moment in which we would both end up in the same place at the same time. 17 hours later, we’d both been hit by a truck. A pleasant but stunning drive-by, after which we each returned to our corners of the world unsure of what it meant, what happened, and where (if anywhere) this might go.
Struck as we were, we upped our level of correspondence and began to communicate on a nearly daily basis. Shortly thereafter, talk of plans for our next rendezvous had begun. But distance being the deterrent it can sometimes be, we were forced (much against our natures) to move slowly and to live entirely in the realm of words.
Our written missives are poetry (sometimes literally). Our phone calls long and diverse. From politics to passion; from geek moments to god concepts, we cover the gamut of interesting topics for hours on end. The brightest moments of my days were imbued with some essence of him. We finally declared it officially “a relationship” and began to focus on when we might live in the same geographic time zone.
*picture wavy ‘time passing’ cross-fade here*
Progress ahead a few weeks…
Perhaps my dearest friends were tired of hearing me whine about my long-distance boyfriend. Perhaps (and more likely) they are ecstatic and eager to encourage time spent with a man who is open, giving, communicative and clearly as high-energied and bouncy as myself. Whatever the motivation, unbeknownst to me, they began to Plot an unexpected reunion.
I add that link because I could not tell the tale nearly as well as its ingenious designer, the brilliant and lovely Amandarin. I can only tell you about how it feels to be on the receiving end of such a generous and amazing gift. 3 better friends a girl could not ask for, and a more luscious present simply doesn’t exist. I’m still walking on clouds of air, in that deliriously happy place that exists at the beginnings of new-found love.
So to my benefactors who created my own “Fantasy Island”, a million heart-felt thank yous. To my dearest Tag, although the miles separate us, the feel of your arms is still around me. And to my reading populace… Hope you don’t mind if I step away from my usual dry bitter humor and revel in the glorious discovery of sharing my heart again.
And to my father, in case he’s reading this blog right now... Try not to barf from the Cute, ok? *grin*
I’m loathe to make it seem that there’s a revolving door on my heart, but in the time since separating from The Comfy PJs, there has been a series of unfortunate events.
Some were only passing fancies, better in theory than in reality. Others so fleeting that recording the who and wherefore would require more time and commitment than the affair itself. A couple have exploded with damaging results to all those involved. A few were embarrassing attempts to settle for what was there, instead of manifesting what I wanted. Many were just damn bad ideas!
And then fate dropped him on my plate. We’ve been in communication for over a year now, exchanging ideas and discussing passions. Friends and conversationalists with a dash of flirtation. That was until May… when Fate designed a moment in which we would both end up in the same place at the same time. 17 hours later, we’d both been hit by a truck. A pleasant but stunning drive-by, after which we each returned to our corners of the world unsure of what it meant, what happened, and where (if anywhere) this might go.
Struck as we were, we upped our level of correspondence and began to communicate on a nearly daily basis. Shortly thereafter, talk of plans for our next rendezvous had begun. But distance being the deterrent it can sometimes be, we were forced (much against our natures) to move slowly and to live entirely in the realm of words.
Our written missives are poetry (sometimes literally). Our phone calls long and diverse. From politics to passion; from geek moments to god concepts, we cover the gamut of interesting topics for hours on end. The brightest moments of my days were imbued with some essence of him. We finally declared it officially “a relationship” and began to focus on when we might live in the same geographic time zone.
*picture wavy ‘time passing’ cross-fade here*
Progress ahead a few weeks…
Perhaps my dearest friends were tired of hearing me whine about my long-distance boyfriend. Perhaps (and more likely) they are ecstatic and eager to encourage time spent with a man who is open, giving, communicative and clearly as high-energied and bouncy as myself. Whatever the motivation, unbeknownst to me, they began to Plot an unexpected reunion.
I add that link because I could not tell the tale nearly as well as its ingenious designer, the brilliant and lovely Amandarin. I can only tell you about how it feels to be on the receiving end of such a generous and amazing gift. 3 better friends a girl could not ask for, and a more luscious present simply doesn’t exist. I’m still walking on clouds of air, in that deliriously happy place that exists at the beginnings of new-found love.
So to my benefactors who created my own “Fantasy Island”, a million heart-felt thank yous. To my dearest Tag, although the miles separate us, the feel of your arms is still around me. And to my reading populace… Hope you don’t mind if I step away from my usual dry bitter humor and revel in the glorious discovery of sharing my heart again.
And to my father, in case he’s reading this blog right now... Try not to barf from the Cute, ok? *grin*
Monday, February 20, 2006
Hardly "R & R"
Sure, it was supposed to be a three day weekend.... but during the last 72 hours, I've:
- Gotten into a screaming fight in a roadway, trying to get the drunk angry man to calm down and get back in the car
- Tried to break up violent fight between drunk angry man and his equally angry brother (they are dealing with a family tragedy and both have a lot of emotions to process. I say that not to excuse their behavior, just to say that their rage is understandable.)
- Worked at least 5 hours, each day, at the dance studio
- Finally purchased some MUCH NEEDED new shoes (Goddess bless "BOGO"- 6 pairs for $60)
- Spent several phone calls comforting friends with a myriad of emotional breakdowns
- Hiked for a couple of hours in Griffith Park (hooray for outdoors! & hooray for a friend who listed with fascination at the tales of my life these last 3 months)
- 3 loads of laundry! (Hip Hip Hooray for clean jeans and undies!)
- And my FAVORITE- Got pulled over by LAPD. It's one of those times where as soon as you see the car, your intuition says "beware". I was on my best behavior, but within one block, they indicated I should pull over. What for? A crack in my windshield, and light tinting on my side windows.... both of which have been there for approximately 5 years since the car came here from FL (and both of which my LAPD next door neighbor has not commented on in the last 5 years of parking next to me in our shared garage.) Officer also threatened to write me up for speeding, but admitted that he couldn't prove it... he was just "willing to bet" I was going over the speed limit because he "felt" that I noticably slowed down when I noticed his car. Considering this was 2 blocks from my house, and he basically saw me shortly after pulling off my residental street, I have serious doubts that I'd had enough time to get my 98Honda up to 40 mph. Still, my good Southen upbringing taught me to be nothing but polite when dealing with law officers, so I nodded and smiled. While he wrote up my fix it ticket, his partner stood beside my car on the passenger side, one hand resting on the gun at his hip. Now, again I remind you that 2 30+ caucasian women are sitting in an older Honda, being perfectly polite while recieving a ticket in an upscale neighborhood. Officer #2's behavior seems, OH SLIGHTLY a bit dramatic. Particularly when he startled and looked as if he'd go for said gun when my passenger reached for her purse to slowly remove... her chapstick. I drove off with a warning and a "fix-it" for ALL the windows in my car. Ahhh, yes, what a way to celebrate the weekend.
And so here it is, late Monday night, and I'm at the computer at the studio, working on attendance and retail sales (and this blog), trying to make sure that all the I's have been dotted and the T's crossed, because in addition to holding down the office while Bossman is out of town on business for the next 2 days, I will also be seeking out car repairs.
On an up note, my cats continue to be a source of joy in my life, cuddling me en masse during these suddenly cold evenings.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Swirly-gig of life, energy and the pursuit of good food
Life is a roller coaster, is it not?
Busy- ness prevails right now, between 3 jobs and dance class and band rehersal and the fact that i know a TON of Leos, and thus have many birthday gatherings to attend to. Add into that other social occasions, conversations with friends, lunches with co-workers (or lunches with co-workers who are friends and thus filled with aformentioned conversation). Tonight is wine club with the DW's, Sunday the band has a show. All the while i shuttle back and forth between my house and the one in Van Nuys, caring for 5 kitties and a buttload of plants.
but beyond all that, there are moments of sitting, and smiling, and life being very good.
oh sure, i have my moments of painful interactions, miscommunications. They hurt and bother me, but they don't win out. I still have the sound of Amandarin's laughter in my ears as she told me about her fabulous birthday dinner with her reconciled honey. I can see Dreamschool's grin as she listened to live music played at her behest last Friday. I remember the peace of listening to crickets in the backyard full of plants under my care. I look forward to CamShazam's smile tonight at Wine Club. And kitty nuzzles... lots of kitty nuzzles, no matter what house i'm at. (bad grammar, don't care)
Top that with the fact that in the last 36 hours i have had sushi and sake at my favorite Sushi restuarant, Ravioli and mojitos at my favorite local resturant, and a delish gyros for lunch at the perfect "fast Greek food" place near work. I am full and sastfied, in tummy and in soul.
Busy- ness prevails right now, between 3 jobs and dance class and band rehersal and the fact that i know a TON of Leos, and thus have many birthday gatherings to attend to. Add into that other social occasions, conversations with friends, lunches with co-workers (or lunches with co-workers who are friends and thus filled with aformentioned conversation). Tonight is wine club with the DW's, Sunday the band has a show. All the while i shuttle back and forth between my house and the one in Van Nuys, caring for 5 kitties and a buttload of plants.
but beyond all that, there are moments of sitting, and smiling, and life being very good.
oh sure, i have my moments of painful interactions, miscommunications. They hurt and bother me, but they don't win out. I still have the sound of Amandarin's laughter in my ears as she told me about her fabulous birthday dinner with her reconciled honey. I can see Dreamschool's grin as she listened to live music played at her behest last Friday. I remember the peace of listening to crickets in the backyard full of plants under my care. I look forward to CamShazam's smile tonight at Wine Club. And kitty nuzzles... lots of kitty nuzzles, no matter what house i'm at. (bad grammar, don't care)
Top that with the fact that in the last 36 hours i have had sushi and sake at my favorite Sushi restuarant, Ravioli and mojitos at my favorite local resturant, and a delish gyros for lunch at the perfect "fast Greek food" place near work. I am full and sastfied, in tummy and in soul.
Nil illigitimi non carborundum
(or more accurately Noli nothis permittere te terere.)
Either way, the point is
they do not get to win.
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