Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Actually, it wasn't the flu in my case, but an over-achieving sinus infection, which got into my ears (causing pain there) and dripped down my throat (causing bronchial issues). After running a fever of 102 - 103 for THREE days straight, I finally made it to the doctor to see if anything could be done. I'm on horsepill antibiotics and even those took several days to get rid of the fever. IN short, I didn't really show up for my last week of work... and I'm just now starting to act and feel like a human again.
I did make a point of arriving at my desk for 3 hours on my last day of employment. I sat, bundled to the 9's, feverish and coughing, finishing up the expense reports and items that I promised would be done before I left. And in the end, when i had that last "wrap up" conversation with the Big Dog, he still made a point of saying how my inability to accept change in the personnel of the department caused my frustrations. NO JACKASS, it was YOU!! YOU caused my frustration, with your lack of spine and your double-talk. With your inability to understand human nature or communicate with any sort of clarity, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. Now Fuck off! I am done with you.
Wow... does THAT feel good to type! Healing comes in many ways, I'm discovering.
I'm also discovering that life without rules is challenging for a work-a-holic like myself. I don't let myself sleep in terribly much, because I know that leads to depression for me. Amandarin suggested finding an early morning yoga class to go to, and I think that's a stellar idea. IN the meantime, I'm researching jobs online, and waiting to hear if I've been accepted to the LA Zoo Volunteer training class. (I interviewed on Saturday.) I sent in my application for school, and am doing reading and research on various job options out there. Trying to find my bliss, as it were.
It's a beautiful day outside. No rain. The wind smells fresh and the sun looks warm. I believe I'll head out for a day of errands and figure out the rest as I go.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
If you look at whiskey, aging of whiskey smoothes out rawness and greenness, it adds depth and complexity and smoothness, it adds flavors, it concentrates what's desirable. At the same time, there is the evaporation of what's less consequential and I think it's fairly easy to see analogies in human life with that process.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
The prospect of being unemployed is not one that fills me with a great deal of comfort. However, the actions of others around me (here at the office) have confirmed that my resignation was ABSOLUTELY the best choice for me to make. Alice in Wonderland once said, "I do not want to go amongst mad people," and believe me, I could not echo her sentiments more resolutely.
As the news of my departure leaks its way through the department, and then the company, many have approached to ask where my path is heading. I can give no answer other than, "I don't know... but sure as hell not here." An overwhelming abundance of choices are spread before me and I could pick any and do well.
However, some choices are not made with the mind, but with the heart, or the soul, or the very essence that drives you. I tell others that I don't know where I'm headed, but that's not entirely true. I know that my future must contain working with animals, and preferably working outside. Too long have I sat 10 - 12 hours at a time, in front of a computer, ignoring the fact that the sun rises and sets and I don't have a moment to get outdoors. Too long have I smiled and played "nice" within the snake pit of office politics. And for what? As Amandarin pointed out not long ago, "No one is ever going to reach their deathbed and find themselves wishing they'd spent more time at work." I'm pursing returning to school. I'm looking at nearby possibilities. And of course, I'm still reaching for my heart's mission.
One night, I was scouring the web, researching opportunities and I found myself weeping for all the lost years. I turned to Tag and said, "How did I get to be 36 without even KNOWING these jobs were out there?" To which he responded, "The good news is... you're only 36, and you know now."
Eleanor is right. This process takes an entire lifetime, and I'm not done yet. If I am truly in charge of shaping my life, then let me grab the sculptor's tools and create a reality I'm proud to call my own. Let me choose to be happy and fulfilled. Let me make the choices that make a difference.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Case in point, I was working on a blog post called “The Death in Deadlines.” Long have I bemoaned the corporate world, chained to a desk and other’s rules. I have been doing two different jobs, acting as both Exec Assistant and Special Events Coordinator. The first is my job on paper (which grows daily). The second, I’ve stepped up to because it is desperately needed (and far more entertaining than the first.) The pace has become unmanageable and the office drama has grown more emotionally draining by the month. Add to that the fact that I left my heart in Kanab, Utah, and what was once uncomfortable becomes unbearable. Thus over a month ago,“Operation Departure” was set in motion.
I notified my friends in IT that I would need to move my iTunes library off my work computer. This did require my buying a laptop of my very own, on which to relocate my tunage. Tag began budgeting, to find out how we might be able to live on a single income (in the interim, not as a full time solution.) I set up time with the President of the company, to establish why they needed a full time Events Coordinator, and also to name the candidate I thought best to fill that position. Lastly, I declared to those closest to me that I would not see February 1st in my current situation.
I am prone to staying in very bad situations for way too long. My inner codependent screams, “I can fix this,” and I repeatedly attempt to make silk from the sow’s ear. Therefore, by declaration, I enlisted my friends to be my reality check and my reinforced backbone. If, for some reason I did not give notice, they were all permitted to question my sanity and … harass me until I stood up for myself and left.
This week, each day, they would IM me encouraging words and a great deal of support. And each day this week, I considered backing out of my plan. Not because the work situation was getting any better, but because my masochistic self felt irrepressibly guilty for leaving a job for no better reason than my mental health.
“Death in Deadlines” was to speak to the fact that my friends were (rightly so) calling for me to honor my commitment, and to admit my fear and hesitation to honor myself. However, today (the day before I was to give notice) events came to pass that required my announcement to come one day early. It was time to just take a deep breath and speak up for myself. I did so, and while I kept it diplomatic, a small spark inside me ignited and I felt … I don’t know how to describe it. Hopeful, perhaps. Free, maybe.
Whatever the feeling, the point is… with a great deal of planning, but no clear idea of where I’m headed, I let go of what was, and jumped both feet into the ranks of the unemployed.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
It's been quite a while since I updated my 1001 list (which comes to a close this May, EEEEK!). Thought it might be best to check in and find out how I'm doing.
Several others in Progress
5 months to get my ass moving on the others. EEEP!
The Mission: Complete 101 pre-set tasks in a period of 1001 days.
The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. Represent some amount of work on my part).
Start Date: Aug 13, 2005
Finish Date: Saturday, May 10, 2008
Below are my 101 tasks (grouped for easier reading)
April 07 Update: I realize that I gave myself an unattainable amount of travel, as well as setting goals that have changed due to circumstances. Therefore I am removing them, and replacing them with others.
Renew that Passport (working on this. Sent away for notarized copy of birth certificate. Will send that to LA passport office, once i get it)
Visit Rio De Janeiro REMOVED (postponed till after 08) Return to New Orleans for a sultry sensory experience REMOVED: Written before Katrina hit.... I do intend to get to NO again someday, but I'm letting her heal a bit before i go.
Hike Macchu Picchu
Visit Montana for no apparent reason, other than it’s on this list.
Get to NYC to shower all my peeps there with overdue love and attention
Spend at least a week in Hawaii on island other than OahuDONE. Oct 10- 15, 2007 on Big Island NEW- Visit 2 US states that I've never been to before DONE. I realized after I wrote this that my cross-country road trip with Tag (in October 06) had me spending time in Illinois, Missouri, & Kansas... all of which were new to me. See that GD park in Hong Kong! REMOVED (postponed till after 08) Attend Burning Man REMOVED (I may or maynot go, but it won't be before May 08)
NEW- Take Tag on a roadtrip to Northern Cali
Go back to Temple of Sekhmet in Nevada
Spend a day someplace tranquil. Tuesday, May 2, 2006 at the San Diego Zoo
Health & Fitness
Lose 30 lbs
Keep those 30 lbs off for at least 6 months
Go without drinking alcohol for a month (EEEK!) DONE. The Detox required this, and it was acutally easier to do than I ever thought it might be
Establish some sort of exercise schedule that includes 45 min aerobics 3x a week,and muscle toning 3 times a week (yoga, pilates, dance class all count for this one) I'm doing dance class 3 times a week now, so all I have to add is the aerobic
NEW- Participate in triathlon or another marathon
Tight Toned arms (such that you are never embarrassed to wear tank-tops or other sleeveless accoutrement)
Try Juicing for a month (meaning at least 2 – 3 times a week, replace a meal/supplement my craptastic diet with a multi juice beverage, freshly prepared.)DONE. Detox to the rescue again
Take a Martial Arts class
NEW- Take a boxing class
Fast for 10 days.
Keep food & water journal for a least a week DONE, but I'm working on doing this on a more regular basis.
Do the Damn Core Secrets video I bought months ago
Incorporate daily vegetable consumption into diet. (green things, every day, for at least a month)DONE during Detox Regular (at least 1x a month) massageDONE, now that best friend is CMT, and she needed someone to practice on during school. Regular (at least 1x a month) chiropractics Every other week, since Aug 2006 Get up-to date with all required “well-woman” DONE July 2006 Get dental check up (cleaning etc) Not only DONE, but I had my follow-up "6 month" check up in March 07 Buy new glasses,that have proper prescription and look good DONE
Attend 2 year EATM program, such that all Animal Jobs are possible REMOVED, for now: (even if I apply this year and am accepted, I won't start until August 08. So this will not be done in time. However, I've not walked away from this dream. Therefore, consider this item merely Postponed) Complete Teacher Training at S Factor Slight change here... Teacher training at Soultree Teach my first SoultreeClassDone! Been teaching about 8 months now.
Get cast in a Theatre show (for adults, with at least 2 week run)
Get VO demo done
Get VO Agent!
Finally reach 1000 hrs at USH REMOVED: Because of job and teacher training, I have left USH Investigate Dee’s class REMOVED: Just not interested in this anymore.
Start saving for retirement YAY! Started my 401K April07 Get a Day Job that doesn’t suck my soul dry, and still pays well Whoo hoo!
Have excess finances such that Travel is possible- working on this
Stop living Paycheck to Paycheck!- working on this
Have Finances available for EATM program (yes, student loans and grants count)
Find money for SoulTree Teacher Training Paying for teacher training by bartering hours at Soul Tree
Get 90K mile check up on Most Honorable Honda-San
Pay off the money I owe my parents!- in progress
Finish up loan payments with Auriton- in progress
NEW- Pay off other debts
Begin Energy work to clear blocks (particularly to body image & finances) I'm working with a healer on this now.
Make Meditation a
daily weekly practice Swim with Dolphins! DONE! *sigh* have I mentioned how much I looooooooove Hawaii??
Trance Dance at some sort of Festival
Experience lucid dreaming
Allow myself to get REALLY VERY ANGRY. Become OK with anger. Eek,I've been working on this one. It's a little scary
Manifestations of Material Goods
Find living space that feeds the soul but doesn’t rape the bank account Oddly enough, my own apartment is becoming this again. Yay!
Buy a dance pole!
I-pod (or equally fantastic MP3 player) With tax rebate, April 2006 New TV Oct 2005 (a gift from the Hottie) New Cell Phone Sept 2005
Buy DVD player
Get that Jack LaLane super juicer thing that I’ve been coveting on Infomercials for ever. DONE!! Tag and I look forward to christening it soon. Throw out dinosaur currently masquerading as home computer and get NEW one that works (and does what you need it to) DONE. Old computer gone, and I bought my first laptop just after Christmas 07.
Buy one of those GORGEOUS leather corsets I see at Faire each year.
Read all the books on my “borrowed from friends” pile
Find “The Vanishing Room” and give it back to M & B DONE
Rent/Watch “The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra”
Buy “LOTR” trilogy on DVD. DONE See “Sin City” Fall 2005 Write my own song to perform with band REMOVED: Sadly band is no longer around
Find and attend a rave (cause I’m craving one of those!)
Buy “Las Vegas” season 1 on DVD REMOVED: just not interested anymore Visit a Dungeon DONE
Learn to dance the Tango
Get rid of that damn ugly ass loveseat DONE DONE DONE While I’m at it, get rid of that horrible easy chair too DONE
Sort thru the boxes in the Guest Bedroom In Progress- Tag and I spent our holidays working on this
NEW- Re-do Guest Room into Tag's office space. We worked on this all holiday long, and it's coming along nicely
NEW- Paint bedroom
Finish and send in volunteer application for Wildlife Waystation!
NEW- Volunteer with Best Friends Sanctuary in Utah Done, and it was life changing. Go back to getting waxed (I hate shaving so very very much) Rio, Baby!! Treat myself to a day at the spa Done, June 07- Palm Springs Get my hair color re-done (roots aren’t pretty) Done
Catch up on your back filing at the house!
Properly garden An ongoing process, but the plants are doing well. Make a plate of cookies for Christina. I brought her flowers instead
Gather art from all various storage places and put it in all in one spot where I can find it.
Frame Muth doodle
Frame “Haunted Mansion” cat picture
Frame mermaid art Many of these pieces are now up (another Holiday project) Go thru the kitchen fridge and pantry and throw out all the stuff I am never going to eat (i.e. if it moved to this apartment with me 6 years ago and I haven’t eaten it… it can probably go) Prep for the detox made me toss old bad foods
Prepare “Emergency kit” (with non-perishable foods, change of clothes, food and water for cats)
Develop the rest of the film from my trip to Hawaii (in ’03)DONE
Sell figurines and other such collectibles I no longer want on E-bay.
Sell that old wedding dress that Sonny left on E-bay. OK, we didn't sell it, but we got it out of the damn house. Learn to hang up on Jackasses Better yet, design my life so i just don't hang out with them anymore. :)
Finish knitting my (I’m a super geek) Ravenclaw house scarf!
Submit at least one of those poems to a poetry contest
Call or email Dino and see how he is doing. DONE Send card to Brandy, check in on her. DONE, and I hope to visit her soon Send a card to my Grandparents Thankfully got this done before my Grandmother passed.
Put together and box up all old journals (in date order)
Finish writing this Damn List THANK YOU! completed Aug 15, 2005
NEW- Finish DOING this Damn List