Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Back from the Brink

Ladies & Gentlemen, please pardon my absence... but when they tell you that this years flu is a bitch, I suggest you believe them!

Actually, it wasn't the flu in my case, but an over-achieving sinus infection, which got into my ears (causing pain there) and dripped down my throat (causing bronchial issues). After running a fever of 102 - 103 for THREE days straight, I finally made it to the doctor to see if anything could be done. I'm on horsepill antibiotics and even those took several days to get rid of the fever. IN short, I didn't really show up for my last week of work... and I'm just now starting to act and feel like a human again.

I did make a point of arriving at my desk for 3 hours on my last day of employment. I sat, bundled to the 9's, feverish and coughing, finishing up the expense reports and items that I promised would be done before I left. And in the end, when i had that last "wrap up" conversation with the Big Dog, he still made a point of saying how my inability to accept change in the personnel of the department caused my frustrations. NO JACKASS, it was YOU!! YOU caused my frustration, with your lack of spine and your double-talk. With your inability to understand human nature or communicate with any sort of clarity, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. Now Fuck off! I am done with you.

Wow... does THAT feel good to type! Healing comes in many ways, I'm discovering.

I'm also discovering that life without rules is challenging for a work-a-holic like myself. I don't let myself sleep in terribly much, because I know that leads to depression for me. Amandarin suggested finding an early morning yoga class to go to, and I think that's a stellar idea. IN the meantime, I'm researching jobs online, and waiting to hear if I've been accepted to the LA Zoo Volunteer training class. (I interviewed on Saturday.) I sent in my application for school, and am doing reading and research on various job options out there. Trying to find my bliss, as it were.

It's a beautiful day outside. No rain. The wind smells fresh and the sun looks warm. I believe I'll head out for a day of errands and figure out the rest as I go.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Screw Wine!

Today, I am choosing to age like a fine whiskey.

If you look at whiskey, aging of whiskey smoothes out rawness and greenness, it adds depth and complexity and smoothness, it adds flavors, it concentrates what's desirable. At the same time, there is the evaporation of what's less consequential and I think it's fairly easy to see analogies in human life with that process.

- Andrew Weil, M.D.

P.S. and on a completely UNRELATED note... if you have a moment, go read this! I haven't laughed that hard in a while. Thanks Dooce!!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008


One's philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes. In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And, the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.-- Eleanor Roosevelt

The prospect of being unemployed is not one that fills me with a great deal of comfort. However, the actions of others around me (here at the office) have confirmed that my resignation was ABSOLUTELY the best choice for me to make. Alice in Wonderland once said, "I do not want to go amongst mad people," and believe me, I could not echo her sentiments more resolutely.

As the news of my departure leaks its way through the department, and then the company, many have approached to ask where my path is heading. I can give no answer other than, "I don't know... but sure as hell not here." An overwhelming abundance of choices are spread before me and I could pick any and do well.

However, some choices are not made with the mind, but with the heart, or the soul, or the very essence that drives you. I tell others that I don't know where I'm headed, but that's not entirely true. I know that my future must contain working with animals, and preferably working outside. Too long have I sat 10 - 12 hours at a time, in front of a computer, ignoring the fact that the sun rises and sets and I don't have a moment to get outdoors. Too long have I smiled and played "nice" within the snake pit of office politics. And for what? As Amandarin pointed out not long ago, "No one is ever going to reach their deathbed and find themselves wishing they'd spent more time at work." I'm pursing returning to school. I'm looking at nearby possibilities. And of course, I'm still reaching for my heart's mission.

One night, I was scouring the web, researching opportunities and I found myself weeping for all the lost years. I turned to Tag and said, "How did I get to be 36 without even KNOWING these jobs were out there?" To which he responded, "The good news is... you're only 36, and you know now."

Eleanor is right. This process takes an entire lifetime, and I'm not done yet. If I am truly in charge of shaping my life, then let me grab the sculptor's tools and create a reality I'm proud to call my own. Let me choose to be happy and fulfilled. Let me make the choices that make a difference.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Joining the Ranks

Life does so like to throw curve balls at the best laid plans. For example, blogging. If you take too long in the crafting of your statement, you may rapidly find that what you wished to say is no longer relevant.

Case in point, I was working on a blog post called “The Death in Deadlines.” Long have I bemoaned the corporate world, chained to a desk and other’s rules. I have been doing two different jobs, acting as both Exec Assistant and Special Events Coordinator. The first is my job on paper (which grows daily). The second, I’ve stepped up to because it is desperately needed (and far more entertaining than the first.) The pace has become unmanageable and the office drama has grown more emotionally draining by the month. Add to that the fact that I left my heart in Kanab, Utah, and what was once uncomfortable becomes unbearable. Thus over a month ago,“Operation Departure” was set in motion.

I notified my friends in IT that I would need to move my iTunes library off my work computer. This did require my buying a laptop of my very own, on which to relocate my tunage. Tag began budgeting, to find out how we might be able to live on a single income (in the interim, not as a full time solution.) I set up time with the President of the company, to establish why they needed a full time Events Coordinator, and also to name the candidate I thought best to fill that position. Lastly, I declared to those closest to me that I would not see February 1st in my current situation.

I am prone to staying in very bad situations for way too long. My inner codependent screams, “I can fix this,” and I repeatedly attempt to make silk from the sow’s ear. Therefore, by declaration, I enlisted my friends to be my reality check and my reinforced backbone. If, for some reason I did not give notice, they were all permitted to question my sanity and … harass me until I stood up for myself and left.

This week, each day, they would IM me encouraging words and a great deal of support. And each day this week, I considered backing out of my plan. Not because the work situation was getting any better, but because my masochistic self felt irrepressibly guilty for leaving a job for no better reason than my mental health.

“Death in Deadlines” was to speak to the fact that my friends were (rightly so) calling for me to honor my commitment, and to admit my fear and hesitation to honor myself. However, today (the day before I was to give notice) events came to pass that required my announcement to come one day early. It was time to just take a deep breath and speak up for myself. I did so, and while I kept it diplomatic, a small spark inside me ignited and I felt … I don’t know how to describe it. Hopeful, perhaps. Free, maybe.

Whatever the feeling, the point is… with a great deal of planning, but no clear idea of where I’m headed, I let go of what was, and jumped both feet into the ranks of the unemployed.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

101 in 1001- The '08 Update

It's been quite a while since I updated my 1001 list (which comes to a close this May, EEEEK!). Thought it might be best to check in and find out how I'm doing.

48 Completed

Several others in Progress

5 months to get my ass moving on the others. EEEP!

The Mission: Complete 101 pre-set tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. Represent some amount of work on my part).

Start Date: Aug 13, 2005

Finish Date: Saturday, May 10, 2008

Below are my 101 tasks (grouped for easier reading)

April 07 Update: I realize that I gave myself an unattainable amount of travel, as well as setting goals that have changed due to circumstances. Therefore I am removing them, and replacing them with others.


Renew that Passport (working on this. Sent away for notarized copy of birth certificate. Will send that to LA passport office, once i get it)

Visit Rio De Janeiro REMOVED (postponed till after 08)

Return to New Orleans for a sultry sensory experience REMOVED: Written before Katrina hit.... I do intend to get to NO again someday, but I'm letting her heal a bit before i go.

Hike Macchu Picchu

Visit Montana for no apparent reason, other than it’s on this list.

Get to NYC to shower all my peeps there with overdue love and attention

Spend at least a week in Hawaii on island other than OahuDONE. Oct 10- 15, 2007 on Big Island

NEW- Visit 2 US states that I've never been to before DONE. I realized after I wrote this that my cross-country road trip with Tag (in October 06) had me spending time in Illinois, Missouri, & Kansas... all of which were new to me.

See that GD park in Hong Kong! REMOVED (postponed till after 08)

Attend Burning Man REMOVED (I may or maynot go, but it won't be before May 08)

NEW- Take Tag on a roadtrip to Northern Cali

Go back to Temple of Sekhmet in Nevada

Spend a day someplace tranquil. Tuesday, May 2, 2006 at the San Diego Zoo

Health & Fitness

Lose 30 lbs

Keep those 30 lbs off for at least 6 months

Go without drinking alcohol for a month (EEEK!) DONE. The Detox required this, and it was acutally easier to do than I ever thought it might be

Establish some sort of exercise schedule that includes 45 min aerobics 3x a week,and muscle toning 3 times a week (yoga, pilates, dance class all count for this one) I'm doing dance class 3 times a week now, so all I have to add is the aerobic

NEW- Participate in triathlon or another marathon

Tight Toned arms (such that you are never embarrassed to wear tank-tops or other sleeveless accoutrement)

Try Juicing for a month (meaning at least 2 – 3 times a week, replace a meal/supplement my craptastic diet with a multi juice beverage, freshly prepared.)DONE. Detox to the rescue again

Take a Martial Arts class

NEW- Take a boxing class

Fast for 10 days.

Keep food & water journal for a least a week DONE, but I'm working on doing this on a more regular basis.

Do the Damn Core Secrets video I bought months ago

Incorporate daily vegetable consumption into diet. (green things, every day, for at least a month)DONE during Detox

Regular (at least 1x a month) massageDONE, now that best friend is CMT, and she needed someone to practice on during school.

Regular (at least 1x a month) chiropractics Every other week, since Aug 2006

Get up-to date with all required “well-woman” DONE July 2006

Get dental check up (cleaning etc) Not only DONE, but I had my follow-up "6 month" check up in March 07

Buy new glasses,that have proper prescription and look good DONE


Attend 2 year EATM program, such that all Animal Jobs are possible REMOVED, for now: (even if I apply this year and am accepted, I won't start until August 08. So this will not be done in time. However, I've not walked away from this dream. Therefore, consider this item merely Postponed)

Complete Teacher Training at S Factor Slight change here... Teacher training at Soultree

Teach my first SoultreeClassDone! Been teaching about 8 months now.

Reprint Headshots!!

Get Cast in something you’d see on TV (commercial, video or TV Show) Amandarin pointed out that my AbPony infommercial counted for this one.

Get cast in a Theatre show (for adults, with at least 2 week run)

Get VO demo done

Get VO Agent!

Finally reach 1000 hrs at USH REMOVED: Because of job and teacher training, I have left USH

Investigate Dee’s class REMOVED: Just not interested in this anymore.


Start saving for retirement YAY! Started my 401K April07

Get a Day Job that doesn’t suck my soul dry, and still pays well Whoo hoo!

Have excess finances such that Travel is possible- working on this

Stop living Paycheck to Paycheck!- working on this

Have Finances available for EATM program (yes, student loans and grants count)

Find money for SoulTree Teacher Training Paying for teacher training by bartering hours at Soul Tree

Get 90K mile check up on Most Honorable Honda-San

Pay off the money I owe my parents!- in progress

Finish up loan payments with Auriton- in progress

NEW- Pay off other debts


Begin Energy work to clear blocks (particularly to body image & finances) I'm working with a healer on this now.

Make Meditation a daily weekly practice

Swim with Dolphins! DONE! *sigh* have I mentioned how much I looooooooove Hawaii??

Trance Dance at some sort of Festival

Experience lucid dreaming

Allow myself to get REALLY VERY ANGRY. Become OK with anger. Eek,I've been working on this one. It's a little scary

Manifestations of Material Goods

Find living space that feeds the soul but doesn’t rape the bank account Oddly enough, my own apartment is becoming this again. Yay!

Buy a dance pole!

I-pod (or equally fantastic MP3 player) With tax rebate, April 2006

New TV Oct 2005 (a gift from the Hottie)

New Cell Phone Sept 2005

Buy DVD player

Get that Jack LaLane super juicer thing that I’ve been coveting on Infomercials for ever. DONE!! Tag and I look forward to christening it soon.

Throw out dinosaur currently masquerading as home computer and get NEW one that works (and does what you need it to) DONE. Old computer gone, and I bought my first laptop just after Christmas 07.

Buy one of those GORGEOUS leather corsets I see at Faire each year.


Read all the books on my “borrowed from friends” pile

Find “The Vanishing Room” and give it back to M & B DONE

Rent/Watch “The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra”

Buy “LOTR” trilogy on DVD. DONE

See “Sin City” Fall 2005

Write my own song to perform with band REMOVED: Sadly band is no longer around

Find and attend a rave (cause I’m craving one of those!)

Buy “Las Vegas” season 1 on DVD REMOVED: just not interested anymore

Visit a Dungeon DONE

Learn to dance the Tango


Get rid of that damn ugly ass loveseat DONE DONE DONE

While I’m at it, get rid of that horrible easy chair too DONE

Sort thru the boxes in the Guest Bedroom In Progress- Tag and I spent our holidays working on this

NEW- Re-do Guest Room into Tag's office space. We worked on this all holiday long, and it's coming along nicely

NEW- Paint bedroom

Finish and send in volunteer application for Wildlife Waystation!

NEW- Volunteer with Best Friends Sanctuary in Utah Done, and it was life changing.

Go back to getting waxed (I hate shaving so very very much) Rio, Baby!!

Treat myself to a day at the spa Done, June 07- Palm Springs

Get my hair color re-done (roots aren’t pretty) Done

Catch up on your back filing at the house!

Properly garden An ongoing process, but the plants are doing well.

Make a plate of cookies for Christina. I brought her flowers instead

Gather art from all various storage places and put it in all in one spot where I can find it.

Frame Muth doodle

Frame “Haunted Mansion” cat picture

Frame mermaid art Many of these pieces are now up (another Holiday project)

Go thru the kitchen fridge and pantry and throw out all the stuff I am never going to eat (i.e. if it moved to this apartment with me 6 years ago and I haven’t eaten it… it can probably go) Prep for the detox made me toss old bad foods

Prepare “Emergency kit” (with non-perishable foods, change of clothes, food and water for cats)

Develop the rest of the film from my trip to Hawaii (in ’03)DONE


Sell figurines and other such collectibles I no longer want on E-bay.

Sell that old wedding dress that Sonny left on E-bay. OK, we didn't sell it, but we got it out of the damn house.

Learn to hang up on Jackasses Better yet, design my life so i just don't hang out with them anymore. :)

Finish knitting my (I’m a super geek) Ravenclaw house scarf!

Write 5 more poems. 4 done so far. Our Love is like a Dead Squirrel , Me Carve Pretty Someday, Haiku for Tag as well as Still life in Yellow & Black

Submit at least one of those poems to a poetry contest

Call or email Dino and see how he is doing. DONE

Send card to Brandy, check in on her. DONE, and I hope to visit her soon

Send a card to my Grandparents Thankfully got this done before my Grandmother passed.

Put together and box up all old journals (in date order)

Finish writing this Damn List THANK YOU! completed Aug 15, 2005

NEW- Finish DOING this Damn List