Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Thinking Out Loud

Today is a day of "i'm supposed to be where, when??" , an endless game of catch-up.

After the work debacle of last week, i find myself once again seeking more permanant work. Second interview at Dreamworks today... i think 3:30. Unfortunately, i was in the car driving when they called me about that, so I'm trying to read the post-it i hastily wrote.

Then there's my spiritual group tonight. I'm supposed to host the coven meeting... but i have little to no idea what I"m going to do for tonight's ritual.

additionally, people come by and ask "how's the acting going?" , to which i find myself thinking..."Acting? oh right.. i came to LA to act... HAHAHAHAHA... yeah, like i have any fucking time for that. " I realize.. if i were passionate about it, i would find that time. So what is it that so distracts me from passion? I've noticed a lighter step to me lately. More, if not joy, at least an even keeled flowing of energy.

it's a little scary that the flow of "passion" and "theatre/acting" also seems to run in synchronous step with the "misery" and "dark moods"... while the happy light times in my life are these moments where i'm just so busy putting one foot in front of the either that i have no time worry about the future, i can only find the energy to be in the now. Course that also means i don't have goals and i don't move forward.

Could it be we are happiest when NOT pursuing our dreams? that's not to say we are living in a rut... but just... oh i don't know. This thought is not completely formulated. It's just pouring out thru typing fingertips.

As long as i keep dancing, i have fun.

Acting as hobby feels wonderful. Acting as profession drags me down. Acting and despair seem to go hand in hand.

Dancing is joy to me. Dancing is release. There is defiantely an upswing of my moods since the dancing Wedensday began, and since I got back to SFactor.

Perhaps "following my bliss" means walking away from that thing I always thought i was headed towards.

While for some... "the rest is silence"....

for me, "the rest" has a groovin dance beat.

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