Thursday, February 09, 2006

A Thought, Some Truth & a Thank You

Traipsing around the internet, one can find a number of sites to amuse, entertain, and inspire. I’ll be honest and say that I hope that at some point, I’ve fallen into each of those categories for some cyber-space explorer.

But this week, I’ve been remiss in much posting, because I am the one seeking.

February is not usually kind to me, for a number of reasons. I fight my own memories and demons and usually come out black & blue from the battle. So amid the noise and haste, I’m trying to find some daily bit of ‘uumph’ that continues to propel me forward.

Superhero started me down a path of thought with her inquiries regarding “the path of least resistance”. It’s a difficult concept for me to contemplate, because in my mind it equates with the idea that if you are on the ‘right path’ then doors glide open the moment you approach them, like some celestial grocery store, ripe for the pickings. And if you meet with constant and sometimes insurmountable resistance, it is a sign that God, like some judgmental parent, is offering up stumbling blocks as a way of telling you that he is patiently waiting for you to “outgrow this silly dream of being an artist” and settle down to a “reasonable” life.

The path of least resistance often leads me to the ergonomically-designed chair behind a desk, organizing schedules, arranging conference calls, and fixing the perfect cup of coffee for someone else.

Not to bad-mouth the life of an assistant. Truly we are the cogs that make the machine go forward, confidants to some of the greatest secrets of history… but nothing about this 40+ hour a week endeavor feeds my soul, and for some silly reason, I believe that a life well lived should include that.

I understand that however enlightened one may be, not every day will be sunshine and bunny rabbits. I’m not asking that it is. As much as I try to operate from a place of possibility and believe in the good of the Universe, I myself have days of petty anger and heart-wrenching disappointments that come from unfulfilled expectations. While I try to conduct myself as open and honest and honorable, I don’t always manage it, and I’ll be the first to tell you that. As I told an ex, “Some days I’m not going to be my highest self. I’m not going to want to be calm and think through it rationally. I’m going to be sad and angry and jealous and vengeful, and … fuck the fuck off if you can’t handle that.” (and clearly, he did).

Moments like that then cause me to pause and wonder if I’m doing this thing right at all. Perhaps it is about being a little less honest. Perhaps it is about being filtered and watered-down, such that you fit into the daily appearance of it all. Perhaps it is about being a leaf in the river, and just going where the path of no resistance takes you.

Then a voice in my brain (or maybe it’s my soul) cries out “That’s not what she said. That’s not what they are asking of you, and further more THAT’S NOT WHO YOU ARE.”

ME: Ok Little Soul Voice, then you answer it… Who are we?
LSV: Um… don’t know… Still working on it. But not that, we’re pretty sure.
ME: Pretty sure? PRETTY SURE? This is my life we screwing with. Can we please get something more than “Pretty Sure”?
LSV: I told you. We’re working on it. Now calm down and go read the internet.

And thus I did. Because Sulky Moody me can be passive aggressive, but can also be pretty good at taking suggestions. And I believe that sometimes we hear things at just the right time, in just the right way to make a miracle happen. Serendipity is a glorious thing.

And in my search for a muse, I came across Self Taught Girl, and this glorious quote:

“I am the first to say that refusing to settle and dealing with the pain that goes along with it is the hardest thing in the world, but I wish—WISH—there were some way to hold the hands of those who haven’t yet stepped off the precipice, and help them to believe that it can be done and it’s worth it.”

And when I stopped sniffling into the tissues that were muffling my tears from the office, I looked for some way to respond, to comment back “YES YES YES & Thank you, thank you, thank you.” For while I have stepped off the precipice in the past, I repeatedly find myself at the edge once again… wondering if I should stop the leaps of faith and just sit content (and bored) on the current ledge where I stand. And in one simple paragraph she said “Nah… that’s not who you are.”

So I thank SelfTaughtGirl & SuperHero, and the host of other muses today, who were examples of courage & honesty, love & integrity. For when one is cliff diving, and gravity is the path of least resistance, it’s very nice to not feel alone.


Anonymous said...

Never let someone else's lack of faith in you define who you are. Good riddance to the ex, you need people around you who will let you be you. I’m still trying to convince myself of this too. Hang in there!

Jennifer said...

Off the top of my head or maybe from the center of my highest self (from one spirit in human form to another spirit in human form) - you are not alone in this, not one bit. Each time I know another person is saying, that's not who I am, it helps me say it too. Some days I feel as if I'm some old old soul and some days I feel like I'm a baby and other days I feel like I'm standing at the edge of something I am just beginning to fully understand. Something good. Mostly I feel like that.

I'm reading a book you might find useful. It's called Bringing Yoga To Life. I'm reading it because, as you know, I'm trying yoga, but mainly because it's a book that I respond to in a spiritual/soul-ish way. I'll post a piece at my site.

Mardougrrl said...

Yes, you did manage to inspire someone today, because it's always good to see someone with many of the same questions I have (down to feeling like you are being pulled into admin work against your will forever!).

Amy The Writer said...

I know I'm late to the party on this one, but there's not a lot I could add that you haven't already thought up yourself, so I will say this: yes, you are a super duper assistant, but if you don't have the passion for it, that's not all you're meant to be, so don't think that's all God has in mind for ya.

One of the biggest breakthoughs I ever had is that whatever you have a passion and a talent for is something that God put in you, so He wants you to pursue it. God wants us to be happy? Are you NUTS!? But it's true. The journey is not 24/7 easy, but the journey is the thing, not the destination, and you have to hold close the times when it does feel easy like Sunday morning to sustain you through the times that it doesn't.

But I'm pretty sure you already knew that. :)