Thursday, July 20, 2006

Permission to feel Joy now Granted

In a little under 12 hours, I go to meet my love at the airport. In 24 hours, we will be on our way to an island getaway. Butterflies in my stomach, bounce in my step, the tremendous urge to close my eyes and dream.

The practical side of my brain screams that the house is a mess; dishes not done, trash in the cans. My hair is not the color I was hoping for. My eldest cat seems to have gotten ear mites. The weather is still unbearably hot.

Despite a million little pinpricks in the balloon, I cannot be deflated though. I continue to glide and twirl and spin- a combination ballroom tango dancer and giddy 4-yr old girl.

And even as I type this, a voice inside says “Oh… *scoff* that’s just silly.”

And another cries out “Hush up! It’s OK to feel this way!!! ”

I don’t want to stay on task today. I want to eat cupcakes and giggle. I want to dress up girlie.

I want to brush my hair 100 times until it shines, and then put on my favorite lip gloss. Paint my nails pink, and spin till my skirt flies out like a tutu.

If the me from a year ago ran into the me today, she’d simultaneously mock me and envy me. OH how far have we come!

And yet, as happy as I am, I have to keep reminding myself…. “it’s OK to feel this way!!” strange huh? How our brains will fight against joy. What is that, and where does it come from?

Do you ever have days where you’re scared to be excited? Do you ever stop the free flowing stream of bliss, because you’re not sure it’s yours? And if so…. How do you stop that? How do you open your heart and allow…. no… “Permit”… give permission to yourself to feel amazing?

Apparently… I blog. And having done this, I’m now going release anything attempting to block my happiness. I’m going to open my arms wide and embrace this bouncy glowing feeling, just as I will embrace my dearest tonight at the airport. *grin*


Anonymous said...

Oh, I am so excited for you! I feel like I've missed something, though...some details would be greatly appreciated. :)

But yay! Your joy and excitement are infectous.

Josephine said...

This is wonderful news! I hope you do enjoy your time. And I don't think you have to really worry. Love comes no matter what you think or want. It's a powerful force!

Adri said...

Wowz! Have an awesome time. I'm jealous. ;)

Josephine said...

Looking very forward to hear how it all went!! I hope you're having a lovely island getaway!

Jennifer (she said) said...

Yes, I remember very clearly a time in my life when I thought nothing was possible, standing in front of the bathroom mirror before a night with someone I loved deeply, crying and smiling at the same time before our date, hugging myself because I was afraid, and saying over and over, "It's OKAY to feel this way. You deserve this."

I LOVE reading about your joy, your swirly happiness. I feel so very happy for you. I hope you have been having the best possible time. oxoxox

Tag said...


i love you...

Cal said...

Beautiful post! Your writing is absolutely infectious- I had to struggle not to dance around like a giddy child!