There’s a monster that lives in my head.
Gruff voiced, he tells me that being lost all the time is to be expected; nobody gets to have a job that makes them happy. He tells me that I need to buck up little camper, and not whine to everyone.
He says fuck off to people I care about, and right now, he’s just telling me to curl up in a dark corner of my room, with a bottle of anything that will make it all fuzzy.
There’s a monster that lives in my head… And he hates you all. He hates me too. He says it doesn’t get any better, and he says not to bother trying.
He’s a grouchy old bastard, that monster in my head. And today, sadly… he’s been winning.
I guess that's why I'm writing this.... so he knows that although I hear him, I don't want to listen. So he knows that I'm stronger than I used to be, and I don't cave so quickly. It's my little way of saying "thank you for your contribution... now shut the fuck up!"
Monday, August 28, 2006
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Sunday Scribblings: Who else Might I have been?
A thousand times, I've looked at the events of my life, the good, the bad and the VERY VERY ugly, and wondered what I would have become without them.
The Evil Arachnid.... *snort*... bastard of an ex-fiance that haunted me for many years. What a long and painful saga that was. His fury and domination, his brilliantly-mechanized manipulations, his stupidly blatant lies.... There are many who think my life would have been better had I never involved myself with him. But I can't agree...
*trembling*
Can I really do this? Can I really discuss all that happened there? Perhaps I don't need to. This isn't "Rehash your crapiest memories"... It's "Who else might I have been"
His lies taught me to always seek truth.... and to always offer it.
His betrayals showed me HOW painfully a heart can be torn and abused, without completely breaking. It was a slow death, that I allowed, because inside, there was a feeling of deserving punishment.
Why did I accept the ring, even after years of pain and lies? Well for one, I had some fear for my physical being if I said No (He was not fond of rejection). But more than that, I had been "caught" in some less than stellar behavior and lies of my own.... and I could not have the failure be my fault. Ah co-dependence, at the height of my addiction.
At the end, it was a near-religious theatre experience that pulled me from my years of pain and self-despair, and helped me rise to a moment where I discovered that there are beliefs that we can hold sacred long after they serve us. And it only by the painful sacrifice of these tenets, that we free ourselves of self-imposed chains, leaving ourselves naked and vulnerable in a new land, full of possibilities.
From the fall of 1994 til June 13 1999, the education was enormous.... as was the gut-wrenching pain. Still, on the other end of it, I'm so much more. Who might I have been? I might have been a liar. I might have been a victim. I might have been afraid of being alone. I might have been broken. I might have been beaten down. I might have been forever ashamed. I might have been a ghost, a grey and vacuous shell of all what I could be.
X-tina said it best:
After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
The Evil Arachnid.... *snort*... bastard of an ex-fiance that haunted me for many years. What a long and painful saga that was. His fury and domination, his brilliantly-mechanized manipulations, his stupidly blatant lies.... There are many who think my life would have been better had I never involved myself with him. But I can't agree...
*trembling*
Can I really do this? Can I really discuss all that happened there? Perhaps I don't need to. This isn't "Rehash your crapiest memories"... It's "Who else might I have been"
His lies taught me to always seek truth.... and to always offer it.
His betrayals showed me HOW painfully a heart can be torn and abused, without completely breaking. It was a slow death, that I allowed, because inside, there was a feeling of deserving punishment.
Why did I accept the ring, even after years of pain and lies? Well for one, I had some fear for my physical being if I said No (He was not fond of rejection). But more than that, I had been "caught" in some less than stellar behavior and lies of my own.... and I could not have the failure be my fault. Ah co-dependence, at the height of my addiction.
At the end, it was a near-religious theatre experience that pulled me from my years of pain and self-despair, and helped me rise to a moment where I discovered that there are beliefs that we can hold sacred long after they serve us. And it only by the painful sacrifice of these tenets, that we free ourselves of self-imposed chains, leaving ourselves naked and vulnerable in a new land, full of possibilities.
From the fall of 1994 til June 13 1999, the education was enormous.... as was the gut-wrenching pain. Still, on the other end of it, I'm so much more. Who might I have been? I might have been a liar. I might have been a victim. I might have been afraid of being alone. I might have been broken. I might have been beaten down. I might have been forever ashamed. I might have been a ghost, a grey and vacuous shell of all what I could be.
X-tina said it best:
After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Uninspired.....
...so I swiped the following meme from Amandarin
Things You Don't Usually Tell Anyone About, like...
...a strange combination of food you like to snack on.
Peanut Butter & Honey sandwiches. LOVE THEM.
...something you do that other bloggers who read you might find odd if they saw you doing it.
I don't know... none of them have ever seen me perform anything on stage, AND they are used to my being pretty light spirited.... so I think that if they saw me perform in a deeply dramatic/slightly psychotic play, it might be an unusual experience for them. (My "Agnes" in "Agnes of God" was well recieved by the Tampa/St Pete critics, and i was only 19 at the time. Kick ass for me!)
...when you were 7, what you wanted to be when you grew up - that you never told anyone about.
There's really not anything I haven't told folks about... but I wanted to be either a marine biologist (so i could work with dolphins) or a "Charlie's Angel" (cause they were beautiful, smart, and well armed). However, I also LOVED acting..... and in theory, in that profession, i could do both. So I went with that.
...the thing you don't tell people at work about yourself.
Oh, I'm an open book. I suppose if there's anything I really avoid talking about, it's health issues. I like to be very vague about my 'appointments', trying not to specify which doctor I'm going to see. Although lately, I've had to. Yuck! Very uncomfortable for me.
...what you like to do when no one else is going to be home for a stretch of time.
Clean, Clean, Clean! Or Nap in the quiet.
...the thing you believe - politically - that you don't admit to people who think you think like they do.
I don't really discuss politics at all if I can help it. My family tends to be very Republican. My state and many of my local friends are very Democratic. I have bits and pieces of views from both sides, but tend not to vote or lean either way. I am registered Independant.
...that one thing from your childhood, outside of your parents, that you try to maintain some kind of connection with, and how.
I have several of my original stuffed animals.... Dimples, the purple bunny (somewhere there is audio tape of me, at like age 3, talking to Dimples... and him talking back. Ah... my first animated voice over work); Tost-em, the baby panda (named after my favorite breakfast treat); Burgess, the red thing (people tell me he's a puppy, but when i was a kid, i was convinced he was a polar bear who had dyed himself red as a disguise. See, i'd read about polar bears being endangered from over-hunting, and I figured Burgess was one of the smart ones who'd gotten away). Lastly, there's a little black and white dog named "Gund" (cause I didn't realize the tag on her butt was the manufacturer's name, not hers).
...a song or group or singer you secretly like that everyone else groans about.
OH.. it's a toss up what my friends hate more.... My deep undying love of 80's Hair Metal (mmmm, Motley Crue), or my occassional passionate need to listen to Country music.
...do you close the bathroom door when you're the only one home?
NO.... any shut door in my house seems to be an invitation for the cats to go ballistic and try to break it down.
Things You Don't Usually Tell Anyone About, like...
...a strange combination of food you like to snack on.
Peanut Butter & Honey sandwiches. LOVE THEM.
...something you do that other bloggers who read you might find odd if they saw you doing it.
I don't know... none of them have ever seen me perform anything on stage, AND they are used to my being pretty light spirited.... so I think that if they saw me perform in a deeply dramatic/slightly psychotic play, it might be an unusual experience for them. (My "Agnes" in "Agnes of God" was well recieved by the Tampa/St Pete critics, and i was only 19 at the time. Kick ass for me!)
...when you were 7, what you wanted to be when you grew up - that you never told anyone about.
There's really not anything I haven't told folks about... but I wanted to be either a marine biologist (so i could work with dolphins) or a "Charlie's Angel" (cause they were beautiful, smart, and well armed). However, I also LOVED acting..... and in theory, in that profession, i could do both. So I went with that.
...the thing you don't tell people at work about yourself.
Oh, I'm an open book. I suppose if there's anything I really avoid talking about, it's health issues. I like to be very vague about my 'appointments', trying not to specify which doctor I'm going to see. Although lately, I've had to. Yuck! Very uncomfortable for me.
...what you like to do when no one else is going to be home for a stretch of time.
Clean, Clean, Clean! Or Nap in the quiet.
...the thing you believe - politically - that you don't admit to people who think you think like they do.
I don't really discuss politics at all if I can help it. My family tends to be very Republican. My state and many of my local friends are very Democratic. I have bits and pieces of views from both sides, but tend not to vote or lean either way. I am registered Independant.
...that one thing from your childhood, outside of your parents, that you try to maintain some kind of connection with, and how.
I have several of my original stuffed animals.... Dimples, the purple bunny (somewhere there is audio tape of me, at like age 3, talking to Dimples... and him talking back. Ah... my first animated voice over work); Tost-em, the baby panda (named after my favorite breakfast treat); Burgess, the red thing (people tell me he's a puppy, but when i was a kid, i was convinced he was a polar bear who had dyed himself red as a disguise. See, i'd read about polar bears being endangered from over-hunting, and I figured Burgess was one of the smart ones who'd gotten away). Lastly, there's a little black and white dog named "Gund" (cause I didn't realize the tag on her butt was the manufacturer's name, not hers).
...a song or group or singer you secretly like that everyone else groans about.
OH.. it's a toss up what my friends hate more.... My deep undying love of 80's Hair Metal (mmmm, Motley Crue), or my occassional passionate need to listen to Country music.
...do you close the bathroom door when you're the only one home?
NO.... any shut door in my house seems to be an invitation for the cats to go ballistic and try to break it down.
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