Sunday, August 06, 2006

Sunday Scribblings: Who else Might I have been?

A thousand times, I've looked at the events of my life, the good, the bad and the VERY VERY ugly, and wondered what I would have become without them.

The Evil Arachnid.... *snort*... bastard of an ex-fiance that haunted me for many years. What a long and painful saga that was. His fury and domination, his brilliantly-mechanized manipulations, his stupidly blatant lies.... There are many who think my life would have been better had I never involved myself with him. But I can't agree...


Can I really do this? Can I really discuss all that happened there? Perhaps I don't need to. This isn't "Rehash your crapiest memories"... It's "Who else might I have been"

His lies taught me to always seek truth.... and to always offer it.

His betrayals showed me HOW painfully a heart can be torn and abused, without completely breaking. It was a slow death, that I allowed, because inside, there was a feeling of deserving punishment.

Why did I accept the ring, even after years of pain and lies? Well for one, I had some fear for my physical being if I said No (He was not fond of rejection). But more than that, I had been "caught" in some less than stellar behavior and lies of my own.... and I could not have the failure be my fault. Ah co-dependence, at the height of my addiction.

At the end, it was a near-religious theatre experience that pulled me from my years of pain and self-despair, and helped me rise to a moment where I discovered that there are beliefs that we can hold sacred long after they serve us. And it only by the painful sacrifice of these tenets, that we free ourselves of self-imposed chains, leaving ourselves naked and vulnerable in a new land, full of possibilities.

From the fall of 1994 til June 13 1999, the education was enormous.... as was the gut-wrenching pain. Still, on the other end of it, I'm so much more. Who might I have been? I might have been a liar. I might have been a victim. I might have been afraid of being alone. I might have been broken. I might have been beaten down. I might have been forever ashamed. I might have been a ghost, a grey and vacuous shell of all what I could be.

X-tina said it best:

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter


Adri said...

I completely relate. I married a total jackass out of a total lack of self worth and fear that it was the best I would ever get. I spent 3 1/2 years struggling to deal with his idiotically skewed perception of reality, physical fights where we threw heavy objects at each other, and acute desperation knowing that it wasn't ever getting any better.

Once it ended I had my first major epiphany, realizing I had to take responsibility for my life choices. And still to this day I always say I don't regret having been through that relationship because I don't think I would have learned that lesson so profoundly if I hadn't fucked up quite so hard.

paris parfait said...

It's so true that suffering makes us stronger. I'm glad you got away from all that pain and suffering and found a happier life. Very brave, honest post. Well done!

Amy The Writer said...

it's kinda weird, isn't it. We learn so much from our mistakes, but wonder if the pain that accompanies it is worth it.

I personally wonder why I don't learn from my accomplishments more. And then I wonder why I'm a masochist. And then I wonder why I'm a dumbass :)

You are a rockstar!

Anonymous said...

You walked away and reinvented your life.

Amazing. I so admire that.

I've read that there are two types of suffering...passive and transformative. You chose the latter. Congratulations! :)

But he sounds like an ass. Good for you for standing up for yourself.