Saturday, September 22, 2007

Sunday Scribblings: Hi, My Name Is...

I stare in to the mirror and draw a blank. Before me, a woman drowing. I run so fast, I don't know where I am when standing still. Wear so many hats, I've lost touch of who is here hatless. Reality can't hit a moving target and denial makes a fantastic running partner.

Hi, my name is... Perpetual Motion.

The first day I sat in the office of my very first (and still my favorite) therapist, she said, "Tell me about yourself." Without thought or hestiation, I launched into a diatribe of attributes (physical and personality), giving the root foundation for each. "Mother's eyes, Father's nose.... Father's angry mumble and Mother's prediliction for clutter."

Years later, that shrink confided "I had never met anyone with so little sense of self." But they do affect us, don't they? The Nature and the Nurture. They all have their say. From gods to parents, from peers to societal norms- every level has a few more rules and guidelines. Everyone says "Don't." Everyone says "Shouldn't." Everyone defines "Appropriate" for you, until you come to this place: Jane Doe, living in AnyCity, USA... and those few simple definitions give you a whole rule book of "supposed to."

Hi, My Name is..... Boxed In

We each have fantasies and hopes. Dreams that we struggle to keep feeding, trapped in the shoebox, hidden in the closet. We sneak it bread crumbs and the brocolli we hid in our napkin. And for what? The having of a hope makes the keen edge of not realizing it even more painful to endure. Then again, what is the other option?

Hi, My Name is.... Despair?

Like a 13 year old, I sit glowering "if only you knew..."
- what I really want to do
- what I really CAN do- if only you'd let me. If only I'd let myself

Hoodies with skirts and knee-high fuzzy boots and BigDog comments "One of the many perks of having Teece in the office that you never know what you'll get with.... (*pause* searching for the word)

A co worker suggest, "her avant-guard style??"

BigDog continues, "... her adventurous take on fashion."

I smile. I shrug. I giggle. I search and hold tight to the compliment, trying to purge from my mind Mitzi, who defined my junior year with the wicked words, "You don't have money and you dress weird. Now go away, we don't need your opinon."

My other boss, she recently looked at my hair, now shades of lavender and said, "I like this one. It's.... (*pause* searching for the word) subtle." Something I have never been by nature. Again I smile. I thank her. I try not read the sneer on her lips.

Hi, My Name is... Unappreciated? Misunderstood? Weird.

Today, I have classes to teach. How can I tell those women to love their bodies, to embrace themselves just as they are if I can't leave these demons on the page? They say "We teach best what we most need to learn," but I haven't figured out how.

Bewildered
Frustrated
Angry, deep within.

I am a volcano ready to erupt
I am a villager, living the in fearful shadow of the volcano
I am the village dog, chained and unaware

Hi, My Name is... (*pause* searching for the word)

9 comments:

thefirecat said...

Fortunately we now know better than to EVER trust the judgment of someone named Mitzi, don't we?

Hi, my name is I Make FireCat Laugh and Cry with Recognition When She Reads My Blog.

gautami tripathy said...

sometimes scratch my head trying to figure out who I am really!

Mardougrrl said...

I think your name is "wise, funny, with great fashion sense and hair."

But we call you "YummyTeece" for short. :)

Tag said...

For some reason I pictured a different colored hat for each name. Much like your hair. It was fun!

On the serious, your Name stirs the ancients within my soul and I thank you.

tumblewords said...

'Dancing as fast as I can' comes to mind when I read your post. Nicely done!

Jennifer Hicks said...

you inspire authenticity. don't change that!


“ “There is a bit of insanity in dancing
that does everybody a great deal of good.”

- Edwin Denby, American poet and dance critic

the slackmistress said...

Your name is genuine, is real, is authentic. That in and of itself is beautiful, and I hope you remember that.

Anonymous said...

mitzi was an asshole with frizzy hair and man shoulders and among the blandest of the bland sheep.

i just googled her and came up with ... NOTHING. :)

i think this is just part of the "becoming an adult" journey, only it's hard to see that when we are in the muck. i've been feeling all of these things and it's like a second adolescence. but i am confident we will both grow into the powerful women we were meant to be.

shine on, sistah.

sabina said...

that was me.