Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Taking my Lumps

“The more time I spend in my body, the more difficult it is to lie.”

That’s the first line of a hand written journal entry I started last week. I only got down that first line before being distracted, so it is all that exists of that entry. However, last night, as I lay awake with wicked insomnia, it occurred to me again.

I am in the middle of a shift. A shift of body and mind and soul. A shift that is taking frustratingly long. I had a healing sometime last year, because I’d been feeling that “my skin doesn’t fit” itch. The healer spoke of angels and spirit guides, and said that they wanted to let me know that I was preparing for a shift (it was nice to have this verified, without asking about it or bringing it up at all). However, they wanted to let me know that said shift would occur in 3 – 6 years.

Now I know it’s not polite, but I believe I responded with “What the f’k?”

Throughout the healing, he would talk of all the work I’d done and how I was molding into this new soul form and each time, he would begin to hint that perhaps the shift would occur sooner, and then he’d stop mid sentence and say “3 – 6 years”. Eventually, he stopped mid-sentence and laughed and said “NO… they appreciate all the work you’re doing, and you need to keep doing it, but they want to make it very clear…. It’s 3 – 6 years. Stop pushing!”

Ever had your hand slapped by a spirit guide? I had to laugh.

That was a year ago, and the ever-crawling snail's pace of this shift is driving me bonkers. I’m doing some work, and I think the dancing is a large part of that. Dancing has always been a joy for me, but now it’s like life’s blood. I can’t do well without it. My sanity is becoming directly tied to my ability to be in my body and work it as a form of expression. However, this new level of personal intimacy has brought with it greater awareness and less tolerance for bullshit.

The last two weeks, I’ve had a series of health issues. Nothing drastic. A migraine, on top of food poisoning, last night’s insomnia, and now this morning, my throat is swollen so much I’m having trouble swallowing. Throat issues often relate to “not speaking one’s truth”. And that’s certainly the case here, as I am dealing with a great deal of anger towards someone very dear to me. Someone who needed a friend once and I was there, but now… they prefer a fan club, and when I don’t wish to be relegated to just another of the adoring masses, I get shut out.

Insomnia makes sense, as my soul is restless indeed. The anger has also stirred up my ideas on love, friendship, relationships, what it means to be self-sufficient versus self-involved.

...

And here the writing flow just dams up. Grrr. I guess that is to say, I don’t have words of resolution for this issues I am facing. And thus my body is turning on itself and growling and consuming itself. As much as I would like to run, avoid, or pretend that these ugly questions are not staring me in the face, my newly ‘tuned in’ body will not let that deception pass.

I find it fascinating and challenging that I cannot lie to myself- that the shift of living in what is real and what is now is REALLY beginning to manifest physically. Additionally, I would be VERY excited about it… if it weren’t kicking my ass up and down the block.

3 comments:

Josephine said...

You know, I'm starting to think that to expect anything other than a costant state of being in some type of limbo or shift, it to expect in vain.

It interests me that you have seen a spiritual guide. Where do you find them?

Yummyteece said...

This particular healer was trained in South America, but works in a spa in Pasadena,where you can sign up for "energy balance" and "healing sessions".

A google search might turn up some at spas in your area.

Jennifer said...

i'm feeling sorry i didn't respond to this sooner. if i weren't keeping a mood journal right now i think i wouldn't even know what i've done in the last four days. i am everywhere (in and out of my head).

the last two posts you've written - no, the last three - have felt very powerful to me. by that i mean you're looking hard at how you're feeling and what's going on for you. you're recognizing what you need and what you will not continue to do (friendship). you have acknowledged (with humor and frustration) feeling that you're in a shift and what that means. you just feel really really present in your life. really aware.that feels right, and what i mean by powerful.

i would like to see a healer. i've seen a name or two around here in an alternative therapies guide. because of various things that have happened to me and my mother, sister, and grandmother, i am more than willing to accept the fact that there are things i can't explain or understand and alternative ways of knowing what we need to know. that might sound confusing. sorry!

i hope you are feeling better today - and that you can move through this (possibly lengthy) transition without too much pain or frustration. then again - i'm sure there are reasons why we experience what we do. still - it can get old depending on the day :-) xxoo jennifer