Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Falling of the Axe

So remember how I've referenced those anger issues? Specifically how there is one particular person in my life that I'm angry at, but had not yet figured out how to properly express it? Well, damn if that little problem hasn't been solved for me.

Sent at 2:39am today, is one of the most scathing hate-mails I have ever received in my life. Nearly unreadable in its rambling (not to mention large number of typos, lack of punctuation, capitalization or even an ATTEMPT at grammar), it accuses me of being ragingly immature and petty in my jealousies. It uses statements (told to him in confidence) as weapons, aimed back at me. It dredges up issues from last year that haven't been on the table since then, and tells me that clearly I am not over them yet. In short, it batters me with abusive language, slanders our friendship and then drops the executioner's blade without allowing me a moment's say in the decision.

Considering that I had already been tentatively contemplating ending the friendship due to the disrespect and mistreatment.... one might call this a moment of Ferocious Serendipity

All day I have vacillated between responding kindly ("I understand that you are going through a difficult time. I will be your friend should you wish to resume that at some point"), responding cruelly ("Clearly your observations of human nature are as vacuous as your grasp on literacy") and not responding at all. To return the serve is to swing my racket at yet another time-bomb, and I'm wounded already.

My anger stands in an awkward place, torn between defending my right to be treated well, and my compassion to reach out to some one so obviously in pain. However, the lesson that seems to be reoccurring at this time in my life is about caring and nurturing myself first and foremost. And as challenging as that is right now, it is what I have decided to do.

Good Bye Pup. I wish you healing on your journey. But I can't go another step along that path. No.... not "I can't".... I won't. I have healthier things to do with my time, my intentions and my affections.


Josephine said...

I am happy to see you made that decision. If it is right, the future may hold a new place for you and this person. But right now, it sounds like what it needed is for you to go on your path and for him/her on his path.

I'm sorry you have lost a friend, but when one door closes, another opens!

Happy wishes for your weekend ~ Jos

Adri said...

Sometimes it's just the right thing to do for yourself -- getting distance from an unhealthy situation. We all have to do it now and again... painful as it may be.

Amy The Writer said...

Rock on for making a wise decision and putting yourself first!

Not making decisions based on anger or other negative emotions is one of the hardest things to do for me, so I'm cheering and flapping my hands like Kermit in front of the Muppet Show curtain for ya. Yaaaaaaaayyyyy!

The Dung Beetle said...

You made a sound decision. It sounds like you have a good grip on yourself, despite the unfortunate situation.

I hope everything works out for you.