Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Creatures of Great Consequence

Long ago, a friend turned me on to a book “When Elephants Weep”, and we began discussing the seemingly “human” traits that are found in our animal friends. Not only have elephants been seen emitting tears in time of “sadness”, but they also have documentable mourning rituals when one of their herd dies.

They form matriarchal family groups, wherein mothers, aunts, sisters and grandmothers share the physical care and handling of calves. When the herd grows too big for the surrounding resources to provide for, a younger female will take a portion of the herd and depart, starting a different branch of the family, within new territory. However, even years later, they have the ability to recognize those ‘related’ herds.

Like humans, they have a vast amount of brain growth from infancy to adulthood, meaning that they have a much increased capacity for learning, and many behaviors are conditioned, not instinctual.

In short, they are thinking, feeling, sentient creatures, with many similarities to our kind.

Thus it disturbs me when I hear that ‘elephant rage’ is significantly on the rise, because I cannot help but wonder if we have taught them how to hate, and in some way encouraged their urge to kill.

Elephant Rage is a growing phenomenon, which seems in some ways to mirror the 100th Monkey theory of collective unconsciousness. Herds that have previously lived in harmony with their surroundings are now stampeding villages and fields, killing at will, and stopping once there is a body count. Some scientists believe that this is due to years of human cruelty and greed, and that the animals are suffering from PTSD (the first time that mental disorder has been diagnosed in an animal other than a human).

Additionally, I found an article that says this:
”If an orphaned baby elephant or several orphaned young are left to fend for themselves, as they grow up, they have no older members to keep their hormones in check and to teach them how to be an elephant, so they gang up and act on their unrestrained aggressiveness.”

So can we then assume that we are inappropriate teachers & caretakers? Is it just genetic design that keeps us from providing what is needed? Or could it be that we set a bad example?

A herd of rogue elephants ran amok in India's northeastern state of Assam, trampling five people to death and destroying dozens of houses. Police believe the herd could have been upset by a train killing a baby elephant a few days ago.

Locals say the animals have developed a taste for locally-brewed rice beer and may have been drunk.

We’ve utilized this honorable beast for years, as pack animal, transportation, weapon of war, even as executioner. We hunt and butcher them for ivory. We invade their territories with our unrestrained and growing population. Could it be our blatant disregard for their (lack of a better word) humanity has led them to rebel, rage, and respond in ways we would otherwise associate with the negative side of ourselves?

Are we, the self-acclaimed dominant species of this planet not responsible for the care of all Earth’s other creatures? Certainly there are those that would call me overly-emotional and irresponsible to my own species because I sit here in defense of the elephants. In truth, this isn’t even to defend their actions, as much as it is for to think and wonder… with the increasing number of natural disasters, and more global news about monkey and elephant attacks, I can’t help but speculate that the sins of the fathers are coming back to haunt the children, and that our years of unrestrained abuse of the planet and her resources are now beginning to bite us in our collective ass.

IF everything happens in cycles, then perhaps this is all par for the course. I’ve been here such a relatively short time. Perhaps what seems to me a new and disturbing trend is really just a portion of some evolutionary bio-rhythm. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say it affects me, on a deeper level than I want it to. It creeps into dreams and whispers in my ear sad tales of dark times to come.

Is the “dawning of the age of Aquarius” really a step forward? Or will we plunge off the edge of our flat earth, discovering too late that when we thought ourselves enlightened, we were really only at that teenage “think you know everything” stage?

Monday, January 30, 2006


People who need people....

are NOT, in fact, the "luckiest people in the world"

They are, by definition, co-dependant.

Just Sayin...

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Design Flaws

"Romeo & Juliet"
"Bonnie & Clyde"
"Love Story"
"Moulin Rouge"
"If Only"

Are you seeing the pattern here? Because I noticed it the other day, and it's bugging me.

According to Hollywood, people who fall in love... DIE.

Sometimes both..... but many times only one.... leaving the other to painfully carry on. And we, the viewing audience, sit with our tissues, weeping at the devastating beauty of it all. Moved, we claim once again that it is "better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all."

However, IN the mess.... it's an entirely different creature. Damaged or disappointed, broken-hearted or bitter, the gorgeous lush quality of loss is a celluloid lie, and you do not have the wardrobe or stylist that would make it look pretty on you.

Loss is just that. The agony of defeat, painfully real and not beautiful at all.

So why, generation after generation, do we still buy into that created world where absence makes the heart fonder? Where the sad tatterings of a shattered heart are a war wound one wears with pride, like a boy scout badge that says, "I once knew a desire beyond all this, for I once loved"??

What is the design of the human creature, such that we continually do this to ourselves?

And why, o WHY do I, as I type this lamentation about internal pain, keep getting distracted by the really cute boy who keeps crossing in front of my desk?

It can't just be some intrinsic genetic design to continue our species, can it? Are we really all such slaves to our groins?

ooop.. there he is again.... I think he's new. *grin* Pardon me while I go make introductions.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

From Rob Brezney


All hail the Tricky Goddess of Benevolent Mischief, also known as the Cosmic Instigator of Healing Trouble. Let us praise and ratify her ingenious plan to turn the status quo upside-down.

The vivid exposure of corruption and delusion among the top echelons of the American hierarchy is a blessing on all of humanity. We celebrate the increasingly transparent collusion of the media with government leaders to present propaganda disguised as information.

The eruption of fertile chaos is making it difficult to carry on with political business as usual, and we could not have received a more energizing gift.

A prayer:
Oh Wise Trickster Goddess, You Compassionate Conjurer of Relentless Change, You Righteous Rascal in Charge of Keeping a Steady Flow of Sacred Uproar Pouring into Our Lives: Please continue to influence the masters of wars and their media minions to be ever-more obvious as they spin out their perversions of your glorious creation, so that more and more of our sleeping tribe will wake up to the Open Secret.

Inspire the enforcers of mass hallucination to display their hypocrisy in an ever-escalating melodrama of spittle flecks and sour faces, as in a slapstick morality play from the Middle Ages, so that we, their captive audience, may convulse with purgative guffaws that shatter the mass hallucination.

And if you don't mind, Sweet Divine Rebel Goddess, please allow us to nurture a spark of hope that this breakdown in the Way Things Have Always Been Done will lead to fresh, hot, tidal-wave breakthroughs of beauty, truth, justice, equality and love everywhere we turn.

And now, in my capacity as Sacred Janitor of the the Invisible Government of Sweaty Meditation, I hereby declare the entire United States of America a Temporary Autonomous Zone.

As formulated by writer Hakim Bey, a Temporary Autonomous Zone (TAZ) is any festive event that liberates the imaginations of everyone present, thereby making it possible for life to be penetrated by the Marvelous.

Authority and dignity and routine have no place at a TAZ; an uninhibited quest for rabble-rousing conviviality must be the only guideline. (See Bey's website: http://www.hermetic.com/bey/)

Here are a few suggestions, mostly from Bey, to get you started in creating your own local celebration of TAZ. Feel free to dream up your own, and make sure to tell me about them.

Organize a strike in your school or workplace on the grounds that it does not satisfy your need for indolence and spiritual beauty.

Burglarize houses, but instead of stealing, leave behind beautiful and confusing gifts.

Bolt up brass commemorative plaques in places (public or private) where you have experienced a revelation or had a particularly fulfilling sexual experience.

Take a few friends and a boombox to an all-night grocery store and dance like crazy saints in the aisles until you're thrown out.

Pick someone at random and convince them that they're the heir to an enormous, useless, and amazing fortune -- say, 5000 square miles of Antarctica, or an aging circus elephant, or an orphanage in Bombay, or a collection of alchemical manuscripts. Later they will come to realize that for a few moments they believed in something extraordinary, and will perhaps be driven as a result to seek some more intense mode of existence."

Scrawl the following poem by Hafiz (translated by Daniel Ladinsky) in courthouse lavatories, on playground walls, and through e-mail lists."

I don't want to be the only one here
Telling all the secrets --
Filling up all the bowls at this party,
Taking all the laughs.
I would like you
To start putting things on the table
That can also feed the soul
The way I do.
That way
We can invite
A hell of a lot moreFriends.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Figment 4- You just won an Oscar....

"Knowing millions of people around the world are watching you, who would you want to thank?"

My family- My dream shocked and challenged you, but when you finally began to believe in it, you did so very much to support it.

My first therapist, Toni - who taught me how you find what you need to find in order to do what you need to do. She also called me beautiful.

To DreamSchool & Critterlover, who slogged endless hours of holding me while I wept. And to all the strong women in my life who have blessed me with their ferocious love and friendship, including but not limited to LunaMoonSong, Shazam, Mandarin

To the Goddesses who have taught me to think, to read, to dance, & to empower and heal myself and other women. (Specifically Mrs Cross, Mrs. D’Angelo, Mrs. Lovelace, Ruth, Rosemary, Bellezza, Marisa & Dirt)

To the Universe, for supporting a dream, challenging my limitations, and allowing me to learn, to grow, and ultimately be a flawed but entirely loveable and perfect child.

To the producers, directors, & writers who invited me to share this creative vision with them.

To the agents who had faith in me, despite the fact that I am not the typical Hollywood Beauty, nor do I ever intend to be the typical Hollywood Size 2.

Lastly, to the lost loves, the fair-weather & fall-away friends, to the ones who have wished me harm or ill…. Your energies called me to be everything I could be, to reach down into the depth of my soul and pull up strength I could not before even IMAGINE was in me. The challenges and wounds that occurred because of my interaction with you have helped create the Damn Special and Totally Amazing person standing up here today. And have allowed me to be PROUD OF WHO I AM and what I stand for.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Tagged by Mandarin!

Really folks, this is not the blog where i normally do Meme type things... but I was tagged by a darling girl who keeps me sane, so I must play along.

1. Universal Tour Guide
2. Bartender, at Dux Discount Liquors & the Decoy Lounge (Yeee-fucking-Haw)
3. Actress
4. Choreographer

1. Beastmaster!
2. Fools Rush In
3. Finding Nemo
4. The Muppet Movie

1. Tallhassee, FL
2. Jupiter, FL
3. Atlanta, GA
4. Los Angeles, CA

1. Sex and the City
2. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
3. CSI
4. Animal Planets Series "Growing Up _____" (the animal in the blank changes each episode)

1. Edinburgh, Scotland
2. Paris, France
3. New Orleans, Louisiana
4. Honolulu, Hawaii

1. LJ
2. Amandarin.net
3. myspace.com
4. hotmail.com

1. Melting Pot's white chocolate/amaretto fondue
2. Chik-fil-a
3. Sushi
4. Gyros (or pretty much any other Greek food)... YUM.

1. At the Volcano National park on the Big Island
2. Edinburgh, Scotland
3. At a bar.... any bar will do, but i'd probably go for Blue Room
4. Curled up in front of a fire, in a cozy cabin built for 2, with the partner of my dreams

Mandarin & Cinnamon Girl already did this, so i can't tag them.... Therefore i leave it up to the blogging community. If you read this and you want to play along, please do so (and leave a comment with a link so i can go see your answers!)

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

WK 2 Figment

If all expenses were paid, and your safety guaranteed, where in the world would you go?

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

No, NO, NO!

For the love of all that is holy people.... are you really going to make me put it in writing?


I walk in, to the public restroom at my office, and there's a woman in there, just chattering on. Giving driver's license and social security number over the phone. (not smart, you don't know who I am and whether or not I'm writing this down)

What's more, I find myself trying to pee more quietly so that the person she's on the line with won't be disturbed.

At first, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps someone calling her had unfortunate timing, and she felt she had to answer. BUT NO..... when she finished with that call, she started dialing the next.

NO... RUDE... Don't do it!

When we send you in there to 'handle business', please handle your own buisness ONLY... no one else's. Ew!

Dangerous Trail Hiking

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds.
- Edward Abbey

Themes are an amazing thing. You speak them, and they come into being. So when I said that this year, I would be Ferocious.... boy did the Universe ask me to step up to that one. ( and that's the "serendipity"part)

So much of my life, I fought doing things the easy way. In fact, for someone who has almost no Earth in their astrological chart, I have a huge stubborn, bull-headed streak. If there's a way to complicate a matter, I'm the one charging straight for it.

My father once said that I like to shoot myself in the foot, and (a) complain about the pain and (b) show my wound to everyone and ask for sympathy. My father is ALSO a huge Edward Abbey fan.

Come to think of it, my father also tends to do things the difficult way. Sorry Dad, but it looks like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.... although I must say, if I'm going to be like someone, my Dad is a pretty fantastic choice. I've seen him go thru some pretty rough stuff, but he's discovered the joy of peaceful open place, and he honors his "inner wanderer" in wonderful ways. May I grow into that wisdom.

But I'm off track, I was going to speak to dangerous trails. The view is much more magnificent when you had to trudge a bit to get there. A road that challenges you beyond what you thought possible is the only way we get to experience our own growth. It blesses us with this opportunity to reach inside, and despite our doubts, pull something from within us, utilize some tool previously unknown, and conquer an adventure we would not have thought possible.

This seems to go hand in hand with this week's SwirlyGirl Figment, which asks us "if all expenses are paid and your safety is gauranteed, where in the world would you want to go?"

At first of course, my thoughts went to Scotland, the place that feels most like home. But I want to stay in Scotland, not just visit, so perhaps that is not the answer this week. I long to see the steps of Sacre Coeur in Paris again. The sun setting, turning the marble pink, as street musicians play is one of my happiest travel memories.

But then I thought, "Dream bigger... have anything."

I thought of OuterSpace. Watch the earth rise from the moon. See Jupiter close up. Swim thru the cosmic materials in the rings of Saturn. However, her question does ask where in "the world would I go, and so perhaps "space" might be outside the rules.

This turned my thoughts to the even greater unknown... The bottom of the ocean. It remains one of the undiscovered countries of our planet because of the physics of pressure and light. A human being simply can't exist down there, but OH, what wonders haven't we seen.

Safety gauranteed, I could swim with dolphins, killer whales, sharks, and creatures that haven't even been discovered. Would a see the mysterious Giant Squid? Could I, in some essence become a mermaid, and live as one of the beings of the sea?

Changing course again....what of my Big Cat love? Safari in Africa is another wild and wonderful choice. Not just a tourists' drive through the open plains, but a stay WITH the animals. Sleeping on the dry grass of the veldt and listening to the lions hunt. Wander with elephants as they search for water and food. View an endless sunrise and listen to the wild world waking up.

Or the most dangerous trail.... Mt. Everest. If I was fully funded and gauranteed to survive, could I... would I .... hike the tallest mountain on our planet? Surely the sights from up there are beyond imagining... top of the world, knowing you are there through your own strength, stubborness and determination.

Then again, isnt' part of the thrill of Everest that ever-lingering possiblity that you may die? So would safety gauranteed be a help, or a hinderance? If it's not all on the line, do you still have the same determination to push forward?

Do we sometimes hike the dangerous trails, simply for the fact that they are dangerous? Or is that line of thinking why I keep shooting myself in the foot?

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Fragile situation, indelicate hands

Sometimes, we come to a point, where we must walk away, for our own good. And what we leave behind is an ever changing mystery that you can analyze to death and never have confirmation that anything you are thinking is correct.

I cannot pretend to know what he is experiencing regarding his family issues. As to his current situation here, I can remember what I felt when I was in the similar one, but that doesn't mean that I "know" how it feels for him.

Of my many words, the phrase "emotional lockdown" seemed to resonate with him, and I feel it best conveys what my experience is, over here on the other side of the conversation. He's living in this perpetual glossy 'nothing bothers me' shine, which is great, if it's true, but something about it rings in my gut like a cheaply made wall, thrown up in a hurry, and only getting thicker with constant inquisistion.

Where does the difference lie between 'detachment' and 'denial'? How can I practice one, without living in the other? Until I have answers to these questions, I'm best served by remaining a distance from the fray. Until I have the cool head of a battlefield surgeon, I shouldn't be dealing in bloody matters of life and death... lest i do further damage just trying to elicit some response.

Angels with silver wings
Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for you

If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it's your eyes He's seeing through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

I pray you learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in your heart for two

- depeche mode

Monday, January 09, 2006

Some days... it's hard

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald.

If it were not for hopes, the heart would break.
-- Thomas Fuller.

Hope is a state of mind, not of the world. Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but rather an ability to work for something because it is good.
-- Unknown.

"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."
Leonard Cohen

Now, please pardon me as i grab my magnifing glass and look for that fucking crack. Grrrr!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

I sound my Barbaric YAWP from the rooftops of 2006

So many women that I admire and find strong have talked about putting together a theme for 2006. [read any of these: Superhero journal, Amandarin, Adri or challenge yourself with Swirly Girl's 52 Fragments Assignment . Setting your theme is week 1. ]

I looked at “Courageous Passions” as a possible theme. That was my possibility that I created in Landmark’s Advanced Course years ago, and it still lights me up. However, it’s lacking newness and also… right now, it’s not capturing the intensely angry frustrated feelings I’m having regarding patterns in my life.

I considered “Release” as a theme…. Because my 30 day experiment in November, where I gave over to the Universe, really opened up doors and provided me with opportunities and love. However, it too sells short the churning intensity that I’ve been experiencing.

I thought of “The Year of Me”, because I need to learn to honor myself, to prioritize my needs and wants, and (OMG, in the middle of this entry, I’ve ended up on the phone with an amazing woman whom I honor and respect, and she’s telling me how her life has changed since she started honoring her self, her dreams and her needs. Talk about Universal confirmation. As she said “If stress is gonna kill ya, let it be our own stress, not everyone else’s.” She’s talking about the year of Miracles.... ooooh that sounds cool. But it’s still not capturing what I’m feeling.)

I thought about the year of “YES”, positive thought and action, permission. Then I thought about putting that together with “Year of ME” and having a year of “Me, YES, ME!” Fun, but now it’s beginning to sound like a cheer. I want more than a cheer, I want a battle cry.

I thought about my favorite Isadora Duncan quote, which scrolls across my monitor as my screensaver. “You were once wild here. Don’t let them tame you.” So… the year of “Untamed…” but untamed… what?

The word “Serendipity” leapt to mind… Untamed Seredipity? Is that it? It’s two pretty words, put together well… but it was still lacking something. Fire. The right and ability to be angry if I need to be (one of my “101 in 1001” was to allow myself to feel and express anger). I need something more… Grrrrrrr… ya know?

And then it hits me…. I need something more ferocious. And just thinking the word, it clicks. I don’t need something “more ferocious” … I need “Ferocious”. Ferocious has forward movement, anger, passion untamed. Ferocious carries with her a full set of claws.

But I don’t want to force it. As I said before… the release and flow of the universe brought so many rewards last November. She has her plan for us, and she guides us down the river if we let her…. And the word for that is…. Serendipity. Things happening and unfolding as they are supposed to.

And suddenly it all falls into place. This year... I declare the theme of 2006 to be FEROCIOUS SERENDIPITY.

Now folks…. Whose gonna join me? What is YOUR theme for the upcoming year?

Mondo Beyondo

Andrea in Superhero Journal writes:

And finally, the whopper- the Mondo Beyondo list….This is the list of things that are outrageous, wild, and may not even happen for 5 or 10 years from now. This is the list of things that are SO JUICY and unlikely to happen that you are afraid to even write them down. This might be the most important list of all!

…If this list isn't really fun to make, you're not using your imagination. Think big! This is your mondo beyondo….

The great thing about these lists is that you don't need to believe they will happen as you write them. Simply the act of writing is a show of faith... even if you're thinking "yeah, right" as you jot them down. You will be amazed by your ability to manifest. You will astound yourself with what you can create by putting pen to paper.

Ok Andrea,
In a testament to your inspiration, and the need I have to lift my spirit in what has become a very challenging beginning to 2006, I herein offer up my Mondo Beyondo list:

  • Travel to Rio Di Janeiro

  • Return to acting, with a loud successful BANG

  • Make/have the financial resources to have the bills paid on time, money in savings, start a retirement plan and STILL be able to travel.

  • Find a true and lasting love. Someone who holds the space for me to be who I am while not losing sight of his own goals & needs. Someone who makes me laugh, holds me when I cry, and is truly overjoyed at the concept of spending a lifetime with me.

  • Enhance my body & mind (thru nutrition, meditation and exercise) to the point that when I look in a mirror, I behold a gloriously sexy, outrageously beautiful, amazingly healthy happy me.

  • Finally get my Bull Terrier puppy!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

20/20 Hindsight

2005 was challenging, to say the least.... and 2006 has not proven itself a cakewalk either.... but drama aside, let us look at the lessons from last year, shall we?

-- Feed the right wolf

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 wolves."

"One is Evil. It is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

-- In regards to matters of the heart, become a vegitarian

We desire
the way a twice-poisoned dog
eyes a
third piece of meat

Philip Milito
20th c American poet

-- Burned Bridges keep the village safe... Then again, ships in a harbor are safe.... but that's not what ships are for. So burn the bridges but sail the ships. Keep clear of storms when you can, and when you can't, fucking sack up enough to Captain your vessel appropriately. Body counts are sometimes unavoidable.

-- Laughlin is not my first choice for ideal vacation spot. Especially not in Summer.

-- The seed in the crack only needs the smallest amount of dirt to grow... and the largest amount of courage.

-- Even Muses need Muses.

-- I am a Big Cat. The veldt is beautiful, and dangerous. Hunt anyway.

-- People will fall out of your orbit. You will be better for it.

-- Friends who talk shit about you to other friends... aren't friends.

-- Snakes on a Plane. Says it all, doesn't it?

-- IN next life, do NOT come back as giant squid

Having such a big penis does have one drawback: it seems that co-ordinating eight legs, two feeding tentacles and a huge penis, whilst fending off an irate female, is a bit too much to ask, and one of the two males stranded on the Spanish coast had accidentally injected himself with sperm packages in the legs and body.

-- I have now outlived Jesus.

-- You can never have too much BOOTIE