Toodles to Two-oh-oh-Seven

Amandarin has a yearly tradition of "the year in review" utilizing the following 40 questions. I like them and thus will gak them here, as a way to "wrap up" 2007 and send it on its way.

1) Was 2007 a good year for you?
It wasn’t all the ZIP, BAM, WOW that I was hoping for, but it had some great moments, and I think it laid some really good groundwork for 2008.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
There are many: Swimming with Sea Turtles in Honaunau; Watching the Pu’u O’o vent erupting against the night sky; Surrounding myself with the cats of the “Kitty Motel” at Best Friends.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Anxiety attacks; one of my BFF’s moving far away with hubby and baby; leaving Spuds at Best Friends that last cold morning.

4) Where were you when 2007 began?
Slack’s living room, trying to hold an inebriated Tag upright!

5) Who were you with?
Some of the coolest peeps in Hollywood blogdom.

6) Where will you be when 2007 ends?
Plans are to be at Slack & BetheBoy’s. I’ll probably be supporting Tag again too… if his plane lands as expected. *frets*

7) Who will you be with when 2007 ends?
See 5

8) Did you keep your New Year's resolution of 2007?
I don’t follow all the rules of “resolution”… but I do think that I followed through on plans and moved forward in several areas of my life.

9) Do you have a New Year's resolution for 2008?
FIND & FOLLOW MY BLISS

10) Did you fall in love in 2007?
Just a little bit more everyday

11) If yes, with whom?
Him (oh… and him)

12) If yes, do they know?
Yes

13) Are you still in love with them?
Madly

14) Do you regret it?
Nope

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2007?
Not that I can think… but I will be ending one crappy relationship soon.

16) Did you make any new friends in 2007?
LOTS

17) Who are your favorite new friends?
Dancer, Charlotte, Mouse, Scooter, HoneyBear & all the beautiful souls at the Kitty Motel

18) What was your favorite month of 2007?
It's all one big blur

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2007?
*sigh* nope

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2007?
5 (if you count my CA travels to Palm Springs and Monteray)

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2007?
No, I was blessed once again

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Yes, several people who for one reason or another have left my life.

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2007?
We really enjoyed “Surf’s Up” LOL! I also liked “Music & Lyrics”, “Pride”, “Eastern Promises” & “Ratatouille”. I have not seen, but am totally looking forward to “Sweeney Todd” and “The Water Horse”

24) What was your favorite song from 2007?
um... I’m so bad at this sort of thing. This year, I fell in love with the song “Daughter” by Vienna Tang. (however, she released it in 2002)

25) What was your favorite record from 2007?
*draws a blank*

26) Did you see any concerts this year?
Um… I don’t think so. I’m not much of a concert girl. However, Tag may have dragged me to something (then again, that might have been 2006)

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2007?
see above

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2007?
LOL… it would seem that way, since I can’t remember a damn thing!

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007?
They all come in bottles with prescriptions on the front.

30) Did you hope for something you didn't get in 2007?
yes, but I’m still moving forward in pursuit of that goal

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Not all my moments were shiny and glorious, but I don’t think I’m ashamed of anything.

32) What was the biggest lie you told in 2007?
“No, I really enjoy working with you. Really”

33) What was the worst lie someone told you?
“I feel great. I’ve done all my work and I’m ready to move forward. There is definately going to be some changes around here."

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?
I don’t think so, and certainly hope not.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?
Yes, and they will be sorry in about 3 weeks.

36) How much money did you spend in 2007?
BUNCHES. I was paying off a LOT of my debts.

37) What was your proudest moment of 2007?
I pulled off a lot of difficult feats at the office. Looking back, I’m proud of what I contributed to the special events at work.

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007?
Crying like a 4 yr old having a tantrum, as I sat on the ice on the bunny hill, during my first ever day of snowboarding.

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2007 and change something, what would it be?
Can I please just be brilliant at snowboarding on the first try? That would be cool

40) What are your plans for 2008?
Big Changes. New Communications. Follow the bliss and get the f’k out of LA.

Rainy Beverage Spazebas

Last night, Slack and BetheBoy hosted a small Blogger gathering at Bar Lubitsch. Tag and I braved the rainy LA streets (and the hideous LA drivers) in hopes of stepping out and getting to know some fabu new folks. Mission Accomplished! Not only did we get to meet Randi, Mike, Leyla (and her honey), Annika and Rachel, but I also got the chance to taste my first absinthe.

Please understand that the night gets very hazy from that point.

I do have the unfortunate recollection of stopping at Del Taco sometime after midnight. If the smell of the car this morning is any indicator, we apparently ordered two overly ripe and really dead forest creatures who had recently frolicked through industrial waste. Oh, and a small Cherry Coke.

Gastrointestinal issues and wicked strange dreams aside, it was a lovely evening. Thank you to all who participated. I look forwards to the next eclectic gathering.

Another Year in the Body

Well, I popped on Blogger last Thursday, in a brief attempt to jot down words to immortalize the passing of yet another year. However, my birthday makes me annually cranky AND the massive company holiday party (of which I was in charge) was last Thursday night, so instead of fluid writing, I had halting moments of verbal constipation, interrupted by "urgent" requests from co-workers.

However, I awoke Friday morning with the Muse sitting on my bed. It's been a while since I arose with a poem building itself in my head, so I rushed for paper and a pen to scratch down the morning's first utterances.

What came out was unlike any of my previous poetry. Usually, I am a fan of free verse, unrhyming and arrhythmic. This piece stirs the memory of beat poetry, more appropriate to a poetry slam than an online reading. Its style is clearly inspired by some of the Sage Francis works that I have been listening to lately.

No matter how odd the phrasing may be for me, the feeling behind it is clearly one inspired by birthday blues. It gives voice to the fury of futile attempts to defy aging and keep up American society's flawed definition of beauty. Directionless rage, turned within, damaging body and soul.

Me Carve Pretty Someday

gotta pain buzzin’ underneath my skin
rage & slice, drag it out from within
Put it on show
Let everyone know
Fat ugly insides, jiggling round there

Television, magazine
Teaching me to purge
Fighting to be clean
Get it out, set it free
Stab into the real me
Flay & peel
Defy what’s real
Till I’m standing there
in nothing
but my BONES


then wrap my bones in skin
hold me up
call me thin
RAGE
at time, age and gods’ design
cut, pull, tuck & suck
tiny girls are good to fuck
spray adhesive just to hold it all in place
no lines allowed on my titties or my face
draggin’, pullin’, cutting, fightin’
still losing time’s cruel race
I’m so dry and tight
I’m wearing BEEF JERKY

looking in the mirror
still hating what I see
paintbrush and exact-o knife
create ‘the perfect me’
blood red, my color
bringin’ out my eyes
small cuts, band-aid hidden
distract me from my thighs

Screaming to the godless sky
Make me pretty or make me die

Screaming to the godless sky
Make me pretty or let me try

Screaming to the godless sky
Make me Pretty
Make me Pretty
Pretty
PRETTY
Please

Grab the frilly edge scissors and a dying hope
Like a 3rd graders’ snowflake
Gonna carve myself pretty

**DISCLAIMER: No folks, I'm not suicidal. I'm not even angry today... just OVER IT, ya know? Worry not, I'll be fine.

Obligation & the Last Few Weeks

Some time ago, I put on my side bar that small icon with the raven that says B.W.O. It stands for “blogging without obligation,” which I believe to be a great concept. Too often, I hear the tale of a blogger who began writing as an exploration of self, and continues as a need to please the reading audience. Blogs have a way of taking on a life of their own, morphing and becoming unrecognizable to the writer. I wanted to state my intention to not fall prey to that phenomenon.

However, I then signed up for NaBloPoMo , during which the goal is to post every day for a month. I signed up with the best of intentions, hoping that I would be inspired to communicate more frequently. Instead, I began to immediately feel the pressing weight of obligation. Quantity over quality seemed the result and I found myself resenting showing up at the blog. That was not my intention, and so I let myself off the hook and gave myself the permission to post as needed.

It didn’t hurt/help that November was a crazed month, filled with stress at work and then a wonderful vacation far away from computers. Hell, far away from cell phone reception or most of society. Tag and I spent the week of Thanksgiving volunteering at Best Friends Animal Society in Kanab, Utah.

If you’ve never been to Southern Utah, I highly recommend the trip. Zion and Bryce National Parks are some of the most beautiful places I’ve ever hiked. There is magic in their deep red rock formations, and a quiet thrum of vibrational energy that affects me body and soul. Not far north, there is both Arches National Park and Canyonlands National Park. 100 miles to the south is the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. In short, if you like being outside, awestruck by Mother Nature’s talent for architecture, Southern Utah is Paradise.

Angel Canyon and Kanab are in what is called the Golden Circle, a centrally located resting point between Zion, Bryce, North Rim and Lake Powell. Best Friends owns 3,800 acres in the canyon, and leases several more from the Bureau of Land Management. On this chunk of land, they run the largest no-kill animal sanctuary in the country. Housing literally thousands of dogs, cats, bunnies, horses, burros, pigs and birds, they are sure to tug at the heart strings of any animal lover. The volunteer program starts with a heart-warming video and orientation, wherein you set up your schedule for each day you are available. We chose to spend each morning session (8:15 – Noon) working with Dogs, starting with Puppy Socialization class for the first 30 min. Our afternoons were mostly spent working in Cat Town, except for Wednesday which was spent in the Triple R Rabbit Retreat.

Duties can range from dog walking, pet grooming, playing and petting, to kennel cleaning and poop scooping. As much as I love animals, I did wonder whether or not I could spend my day off covered in feces and dirt and still feel like I was on vacation. Answer: Hell yes, I can! So much so that I’ve applied for a job at Best Friends and am seriously considering moving myself to that tiny town.

Animals never cease to amaze me, with their ability to forgive and forget. Particularly these animals, so many of which have been abused or abandoned. Sure, there are a few like Filly and Tobie (rescues from Hurricane Katrina) who walk on leash as far from you as they can… but even they are learning to take food from their caregiver’s hands. The process of recovering trust can be slow going, but these sweet creatures have not given up completely.

Words fail me when I try to capture what I experienced there. I can only say that I was happy. Happier than I’ve been in a while. It felt like a part of me that has been missing for a few years now was able to make a fleeting appearance. Best Friends is not only healing for the animals. It’s healing for the people who spend time there too. And as a butterfly sends a wind around the world, so does that little bit of focused healing cause a shift in the energies of Earth and all her children. It is Best Friends' philosophy that kindness towards animals is one step towards healing our planet, and I agree. And if you are not, in some portion of your life, creating a more positive tomorrow…what are you doing?

The desk job weighs even more heavily on me now than it did before. My soul, which felt leaden, has now darkened to numb. Add to that the fact that office politics and fragile egos have stirred up a mess of drama which left me broken and sobbing last Thursday night. I wake each morning with that sense of dread, that heavy weight of obligation rattling like ball & chain around my ankle.

There is a line in Parenthood, in which Steve Martin’s character says, “My whole life is HAVE TO.” I don’t want to wake up one day and find that is my life. Or perhaps, I’ve already had that waking moment. This LA life does not feed my soul. Its cluttered streets and angry people tear at my already tattered edges. In the quiet of Angel Canyon, I found a lightness of being that I have not felt in a long while. Although there were tasks to do, some unpleasant and challenging, there was never that foreboding sense of “have to.” There was choice and there was joy and there was a vibration of healing in each soft muzzle. Each time this office job pulls me to tears, I open up these pictures and remind myself of the great souls that I have had the pleasure to meet and to love.

Letting the Cat Out- In Two Parts

Part 1- PSA

Lately, I have seen around my neighborhood a number of "Lost Cat" signs. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a beloved pet. I know that sometimes they escape through the door as you bring in groceries, or they push their way out a screen and run loose. Animals are quirky creatures who love to be free. However, many times I find that the lost pet was left outside, to come and go at will, with little thought of protection or responsibility of ownership. I find this infuriating.

Look kids, the average life span of an outdoor cat is something like 4 - 6 years, while the lifespan of an indoor cat is more than twice that. Los Angeles is a huge city, crawling with cars, and wild creatures, and people who suck. When you let your domesticated pet outside unsupervised, you are tempting fate and should not be surprised if you find yourself one pet short very quickly. Traffic is a killer. And don't even get me started on the assholes who get kicks out of torturing, poisoning or otherwise brutalizing pets. There are those who will not think twice about leaving anti-freeze in a dog's water dish, lighting fire to a kitten's head, or shooting your puppy so full of b.b.'s that it bleeds slowly to death while you are at work. (and for the record: all of the atrocities that I just listed have happened to animals of people I know.)

Those of you that live outside of cities are not in the clear either. Coyotes regularly patrol for meals around dawn and dusk, as do other hunters. I've even had a woman I know lose a smaller cat to an owl or hawk. (We knew it was some bird of prey, because other of her larger cats had talon punctures.) Growing up in Florida, I can attest to the fact that gators and snakes will also do quite the number on your little furry friends.

To sum up, if you take the time to own a pet... take the responsibility to care for and protect its life. Tend to their illness and injuries like you would your own, and don't leave a domesticated animal outside to their own defences. Especially especially if you have children who are attached to them. Because some memories never completely fade, like sitting in your mother's arms, weeping over the body of what was 15 minutes and one car ago, a beloved family member.

**********************************************************

Part 2- Confessions

My parents are happily married, but will often tell you that one of the secrets to a life long commitment is the occasional separate vacation. Therefore, although my Father will not visit until next Spring... my Mother will be here tomorrow night.

I love my parents dearly, and I know that they love me. They have wonderful senses of humor and warm, loving hearts. However, we have differences of opinion on many things, not the least of which is "what is appropriate" or "smart" regarding my forms of self-expression. I like to put cute girly stickers on my car, which makes Dad a little crazy. I dress & behave in a way that has more than once made Mom question my values. This is not an uncommon rift between young women and their parents, and I'm in no way disparaging mine. That being said, it is time to let the cat out of the bag on a few items, so that Mom is forewarned, and Dad knows without having to hear the report from her later on.

1. I have new haircut. It's short and can actually be spiked up into what is called a "faux-hawk". I can also wear it down, accented with cute little clips. Either way, it is fairly cute.

2. I have a new tattoo.


3. I have a BIG new tattoo.


4. I have big new tattoo in a really obvious place.



So go ahead, roll your eyes. Take that moment to be horrified and wonder what the hell possessed me to do that. Get it out of your system now, while you're on the East coast... so that when you're here with me, you can be with me, as I am: your 35 yr old daughter with "boho fashion" sense and a predilection towards body modification and art. While we're at it, let's remember that although I teach 6 - 8 hours of dance a week, I still weigh more than you've ever seen me weigh before. I know it. You don't have to point it out, please and thank you.


Alrighty kids, I think that's all the dirty laundry I have to put out there today.


Happy Monday to you!

Do you think they meant that?

Let me get this straight... This is a diner wherein I can only get breakfast and lunch? Is it safe to assume that they close too early for me to go in and purchase any sort of dinner?

Or could it be that this is a case of not proofreading that sign order closely enough?



P.S. They were closed up tight at 11:30am, so clearly breakfast wasn't an available option today. Which reduces their wares to lunch only. Hrmmm, that seems pretty boutique for a NoHo eatery.

Quick Update & a Good Chuckle

So, day 7 of NaBloPoMo. I've been having a bit of a dilemma, as the "post a day" requirement seems to be leading me towards quantity, not quality. Therefore, I've taken to spreading my posts around. If they are either entertaining or insightful (at least in my opinion), they go here. If they are whiny or fraught with neurosis, they get put into my livejournal. If they are simply "look- I posted," then I put them on my page on the NaBloPoMo site. This is in hopes of keeping tedium to a minimum here at CNR.

That being said, today's post is a link to a website that made me giggle most heartedly. I hope you will make with the clicky-clicky and give yourself a good chuckle.

Overheard at the Office

The Homecoming Queen is in her office, on the phone. Clearly it's a domestic call, becuase I just overheard:

"Oh shit Grandma, you're spending money like a crazy person."

It made me giggle.

Slam-packed Saturday

Yesterday was Day 3 of NaBloPoMo (that's National Blog Posting Month, for those not in the know). The only goal for the month- to post at least once every day. And yet, Day 3... no post.

I could just sigh and give up, having missed an entry so early on in the race. Or I could quickly ramble on with some justification/explanation. I have chosen the latter.

Saturday morning began as many of them do. My alarm went off early, so that I could head down to Redondo to teach at the studio. A quick stop at the 7-11 for my "Green Machine" Naked Juice, and I was on my way. Early Saturday and Sunday mornings are one of the few times that you can enjoy the LA freeways with little or no traffic, and thankfully yesterday was no exception. I made it to the studio approximately 20 min before my 10 a.m. class started.

4 hours and 2 classes later, I had to close up shop and rush to Venice for hair coloring supplies. Finding parking in Venice on a warm sunny Saturday is impossible, so I paid some nice fellow $5 for a parking spot I used for 10 minutes. 5 tubs of Manic Panic color later, I jumped back in the car and headed to the domicile of my BFF Dreamschool. She's in massage school and needs practice student. My overly stressed, anxiety-ridden body posed some interesting challenges. Or as she said, "Your muscles mock my Swedish relaxation technique." Still, I'm not one to say no to a free massage, and I definitely did appreciate 70 min of downtime.

Wow. This post is boring. Sorry.

5:15 and I had to jump off the table and head to my hair appt. Julie at Shampoo Lounge is a genius with color, and currently I'm lavender with a bright pink ring around the hairline. I've also got a sassy new super short cut. I asked for something new, and definitely got it. Now I just have to figure out how to style it on an everyday basis.

Bleaching, plus coloring, plus cut, dry and style takes a bit of time, and it was 10:15 before I headed out, to join Shazam for her birthday celebrations. I'd already missed her dinner, but figured that I might be able to make the 11 p.m. comedy show that she was attending, if I rushed north on the 405 AND met with no traffic. A laughable concept on a weekend night, but I guess the gods were with me, because I found myself in North Hollywood a remarkable 25 minutes later. I sidled up to Shazam in the seat she'd saved for me in the front row and chuckled my way through the late show.

However, by the time I got out, it was after midnight... and I'd missed the posting deadline for the day. I staggered home (which I'd not been to since 9 a.m.), fed my ravenous cats, checked out my questionable visage in the mirror, and then gave up the ghost and slept. Despite the fact that Tag is out of town, I slept long and deeply, not waking until nearly noon this afternoon. Then I got up, did the dishes, watched some movies, cuddled with the fur-children. In short, I actually had rest Sunday. Yay!

No great revelations for the weekend. But sometimes, in my crazy life, a quiet normal weekend is an unexpected gift. Hope yours was also pleasant!

Just a Quick Note...

... to wish my father a Very Happy 60th Birthday.

He claims to be feeling old. This from the man who hiked the Grand Canyon (for the FIRST time) in honor of his 50th birthday. A few years ago, he white water rafted into the canyon and then hiked out again. Needless to say, mine is a zesty family.

Hope you tip back a glass of good Romanian merlot, Dad. While I may have referred to you as "the grouchy old man" a time or two, the emphasis was NEVER on "old". *wink*

The Dark Times

November 1st. All Saints’ Day. Dios de los Muertos. A beautiful celebration of the life that we find, even in death. A time to remember those who have passed. To celebrate and honor those who came before.

Recognized as the Pagan New Year, Hallows (or Samhain) is the entrance into the Dark Time. “Caldron Time," I've heard some call it. When days grow shorter and nights grow longer, we are supposed to use that quiet night to drop deeper into ourselves, slow things down, and reflect. We are the seed under the snow, waiting for the return of the light to give us strength and energy to grow.

However, for me, it can also be a dark time in other ways. My cyclical depression raises its ugly head, and makes daily life challenging. I was diagnosed way back in the day (when I was 15), before it was a commonplace diagnosis. Chucked into therapy and eventually put on Prozac (which only made things MUCH worse), depression became the albatross around my neck.

For many years, I have fought it and worked with it. I have used yoga, meditation, herbs, spirituality and just plain stubbornness to win my life back from the condition. Most of the time, I do ok. But every few years, the situation goes beyond my ability to deal with, and I have to seek medical help. I don’t like the chemicals and the side effects, but the other option is just as unpleasant. The moods are starting to negatively affect the quality of my life. It’s getting past the point where I can function normally.

This most recent bout of numbness has also been fraught with anxiety. Panic attacks wake me in the middle of the night. Unreasonable fears assault me when I’m out in the open. The other night, I was celebrating the holiday with friends, when suddenly I thought I was going to throw up, right there in the park. My head was spinning. My heart was pounding. All I wanted to do was rage and scream and run home and hide. I continued to breathe, and slowly it passed… but the time it took to do so was oddly distorted, like watching a movie slightly out of focus, in which I am starring, but have no control over the action. It was terrifying.

Needless to say, living with someone like this is a laugh a minute riot, and poor Tag is struggling. This is a man who picks up on my PMS and gets moody with me. Therefore, you can only imagine how his sensitivity is reacting to the screaming banshee that is currently inhabiting his girlfriend. My decision to go back on meds is as much for him as it is for me. I’d like to better the quality of both our lives, bring a little peace and happiness back to our home.

It is scary to be lost like this, to feel the growing fear gnawing on me each day. It is how I would imagine it feels to be eaten slowly by a giant invisible monster. I shall take with me many tools into the belly of that beast, and hope it doesn’t all turn to crap on the other side.

And so the wheel turns.

Returning

Nobody wants to leave paradise. Adam and Eve were not known for any sort of celebratory march out of the gates. Milton didn’t write Paradise: Meh, I’ll get there again eventually. Generally, the point is to get INTO Paradise, not out of it… so you can imagine the sad sense of dread that filled my stomach as I heard the wheels of the plane thud onto the tarmac at LAX.

Hawai’i was, as always, gorgeous beyond words. The Big Island continuously amazed me with the many ways in which it is different from Oahu, or, really, any place I’d ever been before. I blossomed in its rain forests, shivered in the magnificence of its volcanoes, and gloried in its endless blue seas. I slept deeply, lulled by assorted calls of wildlife. I woke each morning pre-dawn and watched light creep across the skies through the branches of the giant monkeypod tree that umbrellas over the resort like a protective spirit. And I swam with dolphins and turtles and a 100 other colorful denizens of the deep… over and over again.

Needless to say, I’m still adjusting to being back. The desk is restrictive and not near any windows and my heart just isn’t back at the office. Tag and I had a few conversations during which we seriously considered what we would need to do, and how we would have to work, in order to permanently relocate. It would be some years down the road, but it would be extraordinarily worth it.

If ever you get the chance to travel to Hawaii, please don’t deny yourself the experience.

However, until that boat comes in… please feel free to enjoy some of the scenery.

Aloha

(as defined by answers.com)
aloha from Hawaiian

Hawaii's best-known export is not sugar, pineapples, or Kona coffee, but a word: aloha. It is much more than a greeting; on the islands, it is a way of life. Hawaii's businesses include Aloha Fresh Flowers, Aloha Surfboards, Aloha Bicycle Tours, Aloha Quilts, Aloha Spirit Coffee, Aloha Candy and Card Company, and Aloha Beautiful Hawaii Weddings. There is an Aloha United Way, a football game called the Aloha Bowl, and a shirt and a day of the week dedicated to aloha. Summing up, one islander says aloha means "Hello, goodbye, love, compassion, welcome, good wishes. It means belonging to others with a common humanity. It's defined better as a feeling in the heart than by words."

How can you get the feeling? The "Live Aloha" website offers these practical suggestions:

• Leave places better than you find them.
• Hold the door. Hold the elevator.
• Plant something.
• Drive with courtesy. Let others in.
• Get out and enjoy nature.
  

I intend to get my aloha on by flying to Kona with Tag, resting our souls in a treehouse bedroom, and in general, allowing myself 6 blissful days of not worrying about paperwork, politics or other random bullshit that has invaded my life as of late.

Take care of yourselves and I'll chat at you in a week.

On Rats and Women

They say that loose lips sink ships, and that rats will leave a sinking vessel. Therefore, I am wondering if a loose-lipped rodent isn't really causing its own problems? Sort of a self-fulfilling prophesy of doom.

To which I'm sure you promptly replied, "huh?"

That's where my mind is today. Confused and dark. Reaching for sense of it all and coming up with some sort of scrambled goo, black and icky.
***************************************************************************
I recently received some information. In the sick world of telephone games, it is once removed from the origin. However, it is from an eyewitness and a credible source.

Someone I once trusted has (as of late) had some serious personality changes. (I've seen a few of them myself.) I fear that she too is traveling to a dark and scary place. However, instead of seeking help, she plays the victim and lashes out nastily at others.

Where once I had a case of 'hero worship', I now find myself facing the human. I don't want to let the fact that I idolized her be the source of my disappointment. Nor do I really want to look at the fact that she may not be a very nice person after all.

I want to come at the situation from a place of love. I don't want to be reactionary. However, I cannot help but feel foolish that I ever felt safe with her. I cannot escape the feelings of abuse and betrayal that I am now experiencing. I cannot (and will not) deny that I am both hurt and angry. This is my stuff... I get that. But "getting it" doesn't make processing it any more pleasant.

Some people say that I should wait. Stick it out. Hang in there. They long to believe that this is just a temporary phase, and soon, the situation will magically remedy itself.

However, history has a habit of repeating itself, and I've seen the pattern of behavior before. Both in her past and in mine. I want to believe that this will pass without incident. But my life experiences seem only to point otherwise.

Do I stand by and believe? Do I wait it out? And when the hit comes, and I am curled in a ball by the wall, crying with the ugly truth of it all... can I blame anyone but myself for still being within arms' reach?

When does it stop being "hope", and just become "denial"?

I tell my students to nurture others, but not at the cost of nurturing yourself. For what good can you provide if you are too weak, too sick, too wounded to do so? Yet here I stand, unhappy, trying to believe in better. Contemplating staying around to provide nurturing for her (and others), at the cost of my own health and happiness. I despise playing the martyr. I want to "walk my talk", but in this case, that seems to mean walking away. That prospect is equally unpleasant.

Rats leave a sinking ship... sometimes I wonder if I have that same survival instinct.

Sunday Scribblings: Hi, My Name Is...

I stare in to the mirror and draw a blank. Before me, a woman drowing. I run so fast, I don't know where I am when standing still. Wear so many hats, I've lost touch of who is here hatless. Reality can't hit a moving target and denial makes a fantastic running partner.

Hi, my name is... Perpetual Motion.

The first day I sat in the office of my very first (and still my favorite) therapist, she said, "Tell me about yourself." Without thought or hestiation, I launched into a diatribe of attributes (physical and personality), giving the root foundation for each. "Mother's eyes, Father's nose.... Father's angry mumble and Mother's prediliction for clutter."

Years later, that shrink confided "I had never met anyone with so little sense of self." But they do affect us, don't they? The Nature and the Nurture. They all have their say. From gods to parents, from peers to societal norms- every level has a few more rules and guidelines. Everyone says "Don't." Everyone says "Shouldn't." Everyone defines "Appropriate" for you, until you come to this place: Jane Doe, living in AnyCity, USA... and those few simple definitions give you a whole rule book of "supposed to."

Hi, My Name is..... Boxed In

We each have fantasies and hopes. Dreams that we struggle to keep feeding, trapped in the shoebox, hidden in the closet. We sneak it bread crumbs and the brocolli we hid in our napkin. And for what? The having of a hope makes the keen edge of not realizing it even more painful to endure. Then again, what is the other option?

Hi, My Name is.... Despair?

Like a 13 year old, I sit glowering "if only you knew..."
- what I really want to do
- what I really CAN do- if only you'd let me. If only I'd let myself

Hoodies with skirts and knee-high fuzzy boots and BigDog comments "One of the many perks of having Teece in the office that you never know what you'll get with.... (*pause* searching for the word)

A co worker suggest, "her avant-guard style??"

BigDog continues, "... her adventurous take on fashion."

I smile. I shrug. I giggle. I search and hold tight to the compliment, trying to purge from my mind Mitzi, who defined my junior year with the wicked words, "You don't have money and you dress weird. Now go away, we don't need your opinon."

My other boss, she recently looked at my hair, now shades of lavender and said, "I like this one. It's.... (*pause* searching for the word) subtle." Something I have never been by nature. Again I smile. I thank her. I try not read the sneer on her lips.

Hi, My Name is... Unappreciated? Misunderstood? Weird.

Today, I have classes to teach. How can I tell those women to love their bodies, to embrace themselves just as they are if I can't leave these demons on the page? They say "We teach best what we most need to learn," but I haven't figured out how.

Bewildered
Frustrated
Angry, deep within.

I am a volcano ready to erupt
I am a villager, living the in fearful shadow of the volcano
I am the village dog, chained and unaware

Hi, My Name is... (*pause* searching for the word)

Avast! It snuck up on me...

... but thanks to that snazzy radio dj, I remembered that it was

I be wearin' my jolly roger shirt and wishin' y'all a fierce and fabulous day.

(hrmmmm... i bet pirates don't say "fabulous," do they? *oops*)

Intentional Drowning

"Your body is drowning."

"What?" I asked, somewhat startled.

The soft Asian face tilted up towards me, her look pensive as she sought for the words to explain. "Your body...it is... drowning. Too much fluid. Is holding.... um, retaining."

Oh, yes... that. I'm retaining water. I'm bloated. Twas a combo of PMS, stress, and bizarre temperatures. And apparently, unknown to me, a great deal of extra mucus in my lungs and sinuses. Through the miracles of acupuncture and herbal teas, I've been draining profusely ever since. Breathing is easier, but my nose is still recovering from the repeated blowings and tissue wipes.

But it is her words that still stay with me. Drowning. I am drowning. Never has a diagnosis felt so right on the money.

Working two jobs can be overwhelming. And the teaching, although it is wonderful to experience, is growing in hours and demanding on the voice and body. I often feel that my most fierce doggie-paddle just barely keeps my head above the surface.

More than that, as of late, dreams and signs are filled with underwater images and icons. My long time love for mermaids has grown into a nearly obsessive fascination. I hear the sirens call me towards the rocks anytime I see their images (and I'm currently reading a fascinating book on the subject as well.) Octopi (octopuses?) are everywhere. Painted graffiti on the street, Discovery shows that happen to be on when I turn on the TV, books and fliers that chance to come across my desk. Even my dearest love (& subject of my first 6th grade research paper) Nessie has returned to my consciousness, lurking in the corners of my mind and popping up in unrelated conversations.

Until lately, I'd complained about feeling frozen or numb. My coven sister speculates that this new drowning sensation is merely the effects of the ice thaw.

Could that be it? Could it be that I'm coming through the winter of this endlessly long transition? Something in me broke in 2005, and I've not felt whole since. The experience has been 2 years of highs and lows and general angst without resolution, and I'd love to think that phase is finally wrapping-up. But drowning is an odd sensation. Not one of relief, but neither is it one of suffocation or panic. We breathed and lived in liquid within the womb. Is it possible to find that skill again, amidst a sea of uncertainty?

Water is essential

Water is affected by thought & intention

Water is in all life, all things

Water is the connection

I am mostly water

My world is mostly water

Can I sink into that, and find the way to live?

Pissy from the Heat

Dearest Department of Water & Power,

I understand that I live in LA, a town fraught with self-indulgent people who do not listen to suggestions like "turn your AC up to 78 when you aren't at home" or "turn off lights you aren't using". So when our power shut down at 6pm on Friday, on the hottest weekend of the year, I tried to be understanding. We opened our windows (nearly useless without fans in them) and hoped for an errant breeze. We found our flashlights and sat in the darkened courtyard of our apartment building, sipping water and trying to think cool thoughts. It was challenging, but doable. Two hours later, when the power returned, we were most appreciative.

The fact this all repeated on Saturday was a little more annoying. Rumors of a blown transformer were whispered down the block, from one grassy courtyard to another. Still, two hours later in the steamy September evening, power returned, and fans could be restarted. Ice could be made in the freezer again. I longed to believe that you folks had some inkling of what you were doing, and I hoped that you, concerned about the overheated citizens of Los Feliz, were working towards preventing a repeat performance.

However, when we returned to our house on SUNDAY evening, to find the neighborhood once again dark and muggy, my patience began to wear thin. Even though the sun was gone, the temperature in the area was in the high 90s, with uncharacteristic humidity making it even more unbearable. I likely would have rained curses on your heads if my kind neighbor had not distracted me by pulling her laptop into the courtyard, and sharing downloaded episodes of "Californication" while we all drank luke-warm beer. My fury subsided as I watched David Duchovney do a lot of naughty things to half-dressed women.

At least it HAD, until I returned home last night (after teaching 2 hours of dance class) to a totally black and silent Los Feliz. Once again, some brilliant yahoo somewhere had blown something or improperly repaired a do-hickey. Theories ran wild amongst the overly-hot Angelenos as to the cause of the repeated outages, but the point for guessing why was passed for me. I just wanted it to end. Is that too much to ask, LA DWP?? That on the hottest weekend of the year, I have at least ONE day out of four during which I do not have to run a bath of cool water in which to sit!??

To add insult to injury, this last outage lasted from 8:30 last night until 7:30THIS MORNING!! We slept naked on sheet in the middle of the living room with the front door standing open, as it was the only way not to wake in our own personal puddles. The cats had bearly the energy to walk from one spot on the floor to another, before they collapsed in a furry heap. The ice bottle we put in the bunny's cage to help him regulate his temperature melted, and there's not more ice to replace it. And I won't even discuss the inside of my freezer, now a large lemony lake that used to be 4 "real juice" bars, because my blood pressure continues to rise each time I think about the massive cleaning/purging that now needs to be done in the refrigerator.

IN short, I really want to send you the thanks you deserve, because without your incompetence, I would never have been able to spend my Labor Day holiday IN HELL.

Many are the ways in which you suck!

With much loathing,
YummyT

If pictures are worth 1,000 words

...then this link to my flikr should help make up for the fact that I haven't had time to chat.

Aug 10 & 11, in a much needed escape, I drove myself up the coast of California. I want to be alone with my thoughts, away the stress, and back in touch with simple beauty.

a quote from my journal along the way:


At the edge of the Earth, thar may be dragons....
but thar's no cell phone reception!


and I like it that way.

Hope you enjoy the photos. I promise to write more once my big Mouse Project has passed.

Saving Grace

There are days when the office is just hideous, and the workload overwhelming, and you KNOW that you should put every single moment into the project you are working on, but your mind screams for a break...

and that's when the Universe is benevolent and shows you that flick has a brilliant "group" called Dogs in Pools

When I was younger, I had a dog. A beautiful old mutt of a dog, and she LOVED the pool.

These photos, and those memories, brought me the smile I needed today.